They’re the ex-whatevers who only message you when their Xfriend is out of town or they’re suddenly single.

When you end a relationship, they’re the people who think it’s OK to go from fucking in love to friend in 90 seconds flat.

Here’s a little Bitch Slap for you: people don’t come a la carte.

And it’s not YOUR decision on how you’ll have them in your life. It’s THEIRS.

It’s been a nutty as hell 2010 and I’ve had a litany of friends give me deer in the headlights stories about dickwads who want them on their terms.

No communication for days, but a last-minute text asking for a date in 2 hours. (RUDE)

I call bullshit.

A guy who had my friend, lock stock and barrel but went back to his ex-fiance. And then proceeds to pout because my friend won’t respond to his texts or make travel plans with him for the fall. (Seriously?)

I call bullshit.

A guy friend who’s had something going with a girl for three years, can’t say anything nice about the girl, but yet continues to keep her shit in his garage because she hasn’t found a place yet. (See? There are two sides.)

I call bullshit.

The beauty of relationships – professional, friend, family and romantic – is that they’re an exchange of ideas. Lines of communication. Fabulous ballets of give and take. It’s not for us to decide how someone will interact with us.

It’s for us to earn.

When you buy into a relationship, you’re getting a person in all of their tragic glory. And it is tragic glory. It’s the balance of their good and bad, strengths and weaknesses, dances on kitchen counters and vomiting sick with the flu in bed. You can’t just pick the good stuff.

And you can’t just be in a relationship (or pretend to have one) when it’s convenient for YOU.

I try so hard to reach out to my friends…connect, travel, visit, make time, drink, eat, laugh, listen and cry. It’s the least I can do for all they do for me. Some days I’m more successful at giving than others. Fuck knows, I’m not perfect. But it’s always at the front of my mind. When you invest in others, they’ll invest in you. If a time comes where you need to dissolve your holdings (aka end a relationship), you have to give that relationship time to heal. And sometimes, they never do. You can’t just order people off a menu and get what you want. You get what you get. And sometimes it’s fucking awesome.

If you’re the dickwad (and yes, girls can be dickwads, too) who:

• Wants a friendship immediately with the person you just dumped
• Thinks your dates will be available at a moment’s notice
• Only visits your coworker when you need something done
• Pings someone online only when you need something promoted
• Will call 73 people just to get a ride from anyone to the airport
• Always asks your colleagues for “favors” (i.e. free shit that they charge everyone else for)

Get bent.

Anyone who is there for you on a moment’s notice is one of two things:

• Someone who loves you, OR
• Someone too stupid to realize that you’re using them.

Quit treating the people in your life like a dim sum spread. I’m nobody’s condiment. I’m the entire entree – and so are you.

*** Small print disclaimer – this is my journey and perhaps a similar journey shared by other iPhone 3G owners. If you’re in 3GS land, you’re a happier camper. If you’re a 4G owner already, you’re Apple’s golden child and you’re the one sucking THEIR apple.

I became an Apple user long before technology made it possible for me to email, Tweet and Facebook with the touch of a button. I had the iPod Mini (which wasn’t so “mini”) and then finally broke down and bought a Nano. It is lime green, shiny, and I love it so.

Then came the iPhone. Which was an unreliable piece of sometimes-functioning technology that had no right to have “phone” anywhere in the name. Alternate names I’ve considered (if I worked for Apple’s branding department): the iSuck, the iCan’tMakeACall, iCanPlayMusic and the iCanDropCalls.

I’ve gone through all of the software upgrades, each of which have had their own associated version of hell. I even had a 4G reserved on launch day, yet opted for some of the buzz to dispel before I jumped into another bite of Apple. So in mid-June, I plugged my little iPhone 3G in its Peter Frank monkay case into iTunes to sync and saw that OS4 was available.

Well, fuck YES! I clicked that shit like I was playing a game of banner ad Punch the Monkey.

And that’s the day where I began to live Armageddon.

My phone would lock up, the maps would freeze, I had to reboot 3 times to place a call. Apps would shut down at the drop of a hat, my battery life lasted a half day at best and I found myself scheduling meetings based on the availability of an electrical outlet. The new OS sucked, and I’m not the only one who feels so. But hey – when I plugged into iTunes, I acted like a good little iPhone owner and said YES! I’ll do the upgrade!

So, after living in OS4 hell for a week, I decided to downgrade the software. I used this article from Lifehacker, which worked BEAUTIFULLY.

Except that all of my contacts were gone. POOF! Gone. Here’s where the fun begins. iTunes told me it couldn’t restore from backup as the save was in a higher version of software. Here’s is also where The Redhead starts to explode. I’ll finish this story in steps so it’s easy to follow along:

• Called Apple. Rep informs me I’m out of warranty and a help call is usually $29.99, but she’ll help me this once.
• Rep proceeds to tell me that the OS4 is not designed to run on anything lower than the 3GS iPhones, and there are really only 3 functions on the 3G that will work: home page, phone and contacts. Everything else will be problematic.
• Rep says that since I’ve downgraded to 3.1.3 using “jailbroken” information and that Apple does not support any software DOWNGRADES, there’s not much she can do for me.
• I ask: So, Apple told me to upgrade in iTunes. I did that. It borked my phone. What am I supposed to do if I can’t downgrade and you “don’t support” downgrades?
• She then informs me that once OS4 is on your phone, it’s like genital herpes (my words, not hers). It’s there for life.
• I said that’s unacceptable that I have a $200 device for which I pay $150/month to use and Apple can’t help me get my OS back to one that actually WORKS on my phone.
• Apparently, my logic is staggering at this point and she flips me to a Senior Support Specialist.
• Senior Support Specialist reiterates that Apple can offer me no help, even though it’s their software that borked THEIR product.
• I ask: so what the fuck am I supposed to do with a $200 phone that won’t make calls and crashes the apps?
• I was advised that there are “workarounds” that I could find on the web, but Apple couldn’t point me to them specifically (but if I used Google, I could probably find them).
• Really, I’m on the phone with Apple, who knows the answer but can’t tell me and can’t tell me where I can get help?

Apple, you’re getting bitch slapped and can suck my left apple. I own an iPod, a MacBook, an iPhone 3G and an iPad is arriving on my doorstep TODAY or TOMORROW. I’m an advocate for your brand, your OS and a convert after having been raised a PC owner by a mom who’s a senior programmer/analyst and who built every computer I’d ever owned until I (gasp) bought a laptop in 2006.

Your service and attitude is unacceptable.

• You need to have a BIG ASS WARNING in iTunes for 3G users. I mean, HUGE. One that reads, “WHOA! Looks like you’re a 3G owner! By installing this update, you acknowledge that you’re performance speed, contacts, app performance and life in general are about to become straight fucked. Do you wish to proceed?”
• Why are you even allowing the OS upgrade to be available for 3G users? While some people are fortunate to go through without incident, I’m thinking this is a known issue. Especially when your “Genius” on the other end of my phone line says, “Yes, I get calls like this all day long. It’s a known issue with the 3G.”
• How arrogant is it to tell me that, while my phone isn’t even 1 year old (you did a warranty replacement for me, assholes, because my first phone was more jacked than concept of Sarah Palin in a Las Vegas show), “You’re out of warranty” and you technically can’t help me,
• The arrogance involved in your responses to me on the phone yesterday was staggering. Here’s what you told me:
  • You’re out of warranty (lie), but we’ll make an exception.
  • You were more concerned about the spelling of my name than my technical issue. And yes for fuck sake, it’s with a “K.”
  • You told me, verbatim, that once OS4 is installed on your phone, it’s always there and you cannot revert – even if you do a downgrade using “jailbroken” information.
  • You also told me that OS4 is not meant to run on the 3G models, save THREE FUNCTIONS.
  • That even though the OS4 isn’t meant to run on 3Gs, your software (iTunes) will happily install it.
  • Once it’s happily installed, you’ll offer no support to those experiencing issues.
  • However, I could “Google” my problems and there is “a lot of information out there.”

I’m going to be in your Cherry Creek store this week and all I’m saying is that you can either MAKE or BREAK my Apple patronage experience. I am *in* warranty, my phone is functional, and there had better be a fix administered AT the store for this shit to get right and get right quick. You’re Geniuses, after all. A Genius would understand that a legion of 3G owners being pissed off about their products dues to software you provided and prompted to install is NOT good for business.

It’s like Honda saying,”Mmmmm – yeah. When you brought your car in for service last time, we upgraded the software in your engine computer. Yeah, it’s got a lot of bugs. I know it leaves you stalled at the side of the road lots, but it’s a known issue. You could Google a workaround and see if that helps but we can’t help you.”

Service is more important than product and in this case, the customer IS right and IS in control. We’re going to chat this week, Apple. And I beg you to end the arrogance and find solutions for me – the owner of FIVE of your products.

This is not a human being.

While catching-up this past week with an ex-boyfriend who’s become a friend over the past year or so, I mentioned that we should get together and chat about life, real-time.

The he mentioned that, yeah – that wasn’t going to happen because his girlfriend would flip her shit.

I said, “Bring her!” He responded that BP would buy us a brand-new Gulf of Mexico before that happened.

I really hope she’s worth it.

How often do we dick around with things in our life and let them run US instead of the other way around? Since when can people forbid us, prevent us or otherwise act an a barrier to what we want? Let’s think of this from a business perspective:

You had clients and customers long before your current ones rolled into your cash flow (kinda like friends, ex-significant others and whatnot). When something or someone new comes along, it should be a compliment – a delightful addition – to a business that you love and the reason you say “Shit Howdy!” when you head to the office each day. It should be a state of symbiosis where you each give the other what you need and want. You indulge in compromise. And while I’m not saying go out and say “shove your NDA where your ass hair grows,” it’s a relationship based on mutual respect.

I like yas. I’ll help yas.

Perhaps there are some pompoms.

When something or someone new comes along, that’s not a sign from the divine to scrap everything you’re doing, love, like and cherish to become their bitch. While the example that prompted this week’s bitch slap was a romantic relationship (not mine, though I’m guilty), take a good, hard look at your life.

Life is multi-faceted. A glimmering jewel reflecting prism-cast rainbows on every wall we pass, rain or shine. I don’t believe in the word impossible and I think we each have within our grasp the ability to bask in happiness. There’s nothing that can keep me from what I want, aside from my predisposition to walk around with my head in my ass.

And it usually has to do with the power I’ve allowed another person to have over me and my subsequent downgrading of what I WANT on the list of WHAT’S IMPORTANT.

Stop it. For all that’s chocolate in the Godiva shop, just stop it. Please. If you’re too much of a pansy to say, “I like my life and my business! This is me and my very own Legion of Awesome! If you want to be a PART of it, that’s soooo pimp. But hey – if you want to consume me and be my only priority, I’m not taking off my Super Suit just so you can feel important…”

then maybe you need to think of why you need someone else to define who you are and what you need or want.

When you let someone else take the reigns of your life, you’re saying, “I can’t think for myself.”

Really? You can’t? So sorry – my bad. I didn’t realize that you were a quivering, non-thinking mass fashioned of orange jello and fruit cocktail. You appeared to be human.

Because when posed with the question: is it worth it?

The answer is, most inarguably, no.

Here are three things you can do today to keep your Super Suit and stay at the helm of your Legion of Awesome:

• Think about compromise versus sacrifice (I covered this way back when in The Hallway).
• Pen and paper – do it now. Tell YOURSELF what’s important. Seal it in an envelope and attach it to your fridge. Each time you forget, threaten to open it and prove yourself wrong. Then you’ll have to go find another envelope. Pain in the ass. Be honest with yourself and keep from opening it.
• Get some front-stabbers. These are friends who will tell you to your face when you’re being an orange jello mold instead of a person. While I’m a huge fan of block party jello creations, I don’t really want to establish relationships with them. And you can’t, really. (It’s JELLO, for fuck sake – it has no backbone or personality aside from being “wiggly jiggly fun.”)

You’ve been slapped. Awwyeah.

It’s a rare thing in life when we get second chances – to say things, do things, BE things. I’m still toiling over the fact that I can’t remember if I happened to tell Vibrant “bye” when he left our training session at the velodrome a week ago Saturday. But I do very distinctly remember the quality of every conversation we ever shared during the short time I was lucky enough to know him.

When you speak, when you act – do so like you have to earn it. And by “it,” I mean the person on the other side. It’s unfathomable, but you really may not have a second chance for your words, actions and intentions to be interpreted. We think we’re being clear, kind, grateful. You think the other person is being an asshole. It’s all in the interpretation. We’re all guilty as charged – myself included, having ended a professional relationship with a firm whose work is…breathtaking…yet whose communication style simply wasn’t a fit for me or my clients.

You’ve been slapped – earn it, people. When you treat your clients, friends and lovers as if you’re consistently re-earning their business and value their place in your life, both sides win. You might even find they begin treating you the same way. And it’s not about jumping through hoops or following the bouncing ball of expectations. I have four reasonable expectations of anyone with whom I do business:

Step back.

Think.

Offer solutions.

Approach with kindness.

Wash-rinse-repeat. I think those are pretty good steps for my personal life, too, and how I try to handle my friends and other relationships.

Maybe you’ll find those four things useful as well. Now – go earn it.

Last I checked, you run a business. I run a business. While some of you run a non-profit business, that doesn’t mean all of us don’t run businesses with a few goals in mind:

• Pursuing our passions
• Earning a living
• Helping others

If you want to run a free clinic, I suggest you head to medical or nursing school. Quit doing it with your business.

You don’t have to be Facebook friends with everyone who’s a fan of your blog or who once bought something from your store. Better yet, if the guy wanting to be your friend is a friend of a once-removed friend, you don’t have to accept his friend request because you see that he’s in a wheelchair.

You don’t have to accept every bit of work that comes floating into your inbox or though the phone line. Stop acting as if you’re lucky to have the work and start looking at the work as if you earned it. If you’re booked and can’t take it, hire a subcontractor or push the start date. Better yet, explain that you’re sorry you can’t help out this time because you’re SLAMMED but to please keep you in mind for future projects.

And you certainly don’t have to accept work that’s below your normal rate because the economy sucks. Seriously? Screw the economy. If a client wants to haggle over price, there are two options to pursue:

• If you truly want to work on the project, offer a Project Discount. 10% is more than fair and 15% if you’re working with a non-profit organization.
• Explain that these are your rates. I’m fortunate that I rarely have to defend my pricing, yet when I do, I say one thing and one thing only: “I’m not the least expensive professional you will find, but you can get work that’s a whole lot crappier for a lot more money.”

The “state of the economy” is no reason to discount what you do for a living. Taxes don’t get any cheaper, gas and groceries cost the same. You can’t haggle with the gas company because the economy is in the shitter.

You. Are. A. Service.

You. Have. Value.

You have no obligation to do anything in your business except treat each and every person who approaches you with respect and professionalism.

You are not in the business of treating a raging case of the clap or bandaging-up victims of a bar room brawl. Pay attention to the fact that you opened a business for a reason and invest your energy there. It’s so easy for us to want to open a conversation and help everyone who shows up on our doorstep. God knows, I have 2 dogs and 2 cats, all from shelters. One more damn animal and I’m going to have to build an ark the next time it rains! My charity has limits, but that doesn’t mean I’m a cold-hearted and uncaring bitch.

It means that I understand I have limits and while I would like to help everyone:

• Not everyone can afford me
• Not everything fits into my production schedule
• There are clients who pay my full rate for my time and energy
• If I delude myself into thinking that clients who pay less for my services will rate the same as those who pay full rate, I’m simply a fool and over time, I’ll under serve those clients.
• If I give away my expertise for free, I devalue myself and what I bring to the table.

So today, step back and take a good hard look at your table. There’s nothing wrong with lending a hand and giving advice, but reassess your milk-and-cow scenario. Mama was right that if you give away one, you’ll never sell the other.

Stop being a free clinic. Be a business. You’re worth it.

You’ve been slapped.

Do you like getting slapped? Check out The Bitch Slap collection – blunt advice, delivered.

What the HELL are you doing?

You position yourself as a professional with words. You tell people what you do and that you’re gosh darn good at it, frankly. Yet you keep doing shit that makes you look like a side show act in a two-penny circus.

Business Card Magnets and Stress Balls – They’re ugly, stupid and a waste of money. Do you really think that when I need a real estate professional I’m going to wander over to the front of my fridge for some divine wisdom? No, I’m not. I’m going to call the realtor who’s a friend. Or a friend of a friend. Or who came on referral somehow. Instead of spending $500 a year on dumb ass magnets that have you staring at me every time I go to grab the spinach from the crisper, why don’t you align yourself with a local charity and make a donation commitment for the next 5 years…ask to be considered for the board. Invest your time where it will do some good and change lives while building the relationships you need to sustain and grow your business. The same goes for stress balls. My dog shreds them in 5 minutes flat and craps blue foam for a week. They are useless and generally end up causing me MORE stress. They’re not cheap, either. Quit wasting money. While my dog loves you at first, he hates you in the end (and with his hind end).

Free Business Cards from VistaPrint or Homemade Cards – G.H.E.T.T.O. That’s all I have to say. Why would I do business with anyone who won’t invest a few dollars in themselves to put forth a professional printed appearance? It’s no different than “free hosting” services that populate your site with ads (and that’s bullshit, too). If you can’t afford $21.99 for some kickass, easy-to-make business cards from a place like Moo, you probably need to go work for someone who’s going to give you business cards. And yeah, I know – who even USES business cards anymore, right? Lots of people and more than you’d think. Pull your head out of your ass and (1) pay to have them designed, and/or (2) go to a site that makes it easy for you to do it yourself. Just STOP doing it yourself and promoting someone else in the process.

Stock Logos: OMFG – Yeah, I need to address this. When designing your own business cards, stop it with the stock logos. Are you a stock company? No, you’re not. If you’re going to own a business, you need your own corporate identity. There are people who do that for a living and it doesn’t have to be expensive (for crying out loud – just ASK ME! I know FAB people!). Your brand is an investment. It says who you are, why you’re different and what people can expect from you. If it doesn’t, it sucks (and you either paid too much or didn’t know what a brand was supposed to do before you paid someone to develop one).

Are there more bullshit business practices I’ve missed? Share with me, monkeys…share. The Redhead wants to know. The bottom line is your business is worth the investment. Stop taking the low road and thinking you can do it all yourself. Go ask Richard Branson if he designed the Virgin logo. I’m bettin’ he says no. Treat yourself like a firm worthy of a professional presence and if you’re a graphic designer, great – but stop trying to be a writer and a web designer. If you’re a web designer, stop trying to be a writer. If you’re a plumber, just get my damn toilet working. Do what YOU do. Leverage others to make you look good getting it done.

• No one can make good decisions when you’re holding on to something for dear life
• The decision to hold on isn’t necessarily about WANTING whatever it is. It’s about fear.
• Fear is a nasty little effer and decision made based on it are…poop.

See that? It came full circle.

We all do it – there’s no shame in The Cling. It’s human nature, really. We’re inherently afraid of change so we grab the status quo by the nads whether it’s what we want or not…simply because it’s familiar. I’ve been there in relationships, in business…hell, I’ve even been there in Target. I buy the same damn thing because it’s habit, not because it’s the best or what I really want. My brain shuts off and ritual kicks in, and – lo, and behold! A cart full of crap that I don’t want or need, but it’s coming home with me because it was on sale, on an end cap or in the package I recognized.

(sound familiar?)

Here’s your bitch slap: let go. Clingy no workie. When you hold on so tight to this cart we push through life’s store, you don’t give yourself the freedom to snoop around in the organic veggies. We’re so used to going to the bagged salads that we don’t give ourselves the freedom to grab some fresh Hearts of Romaine and see what a handmade salad tastes like. Stop latching on to the familiar. It’s not really comfortable at all. It hinders progress, stymies exploration and offers absolutely no fertilizer for anything new to grow in our lives.

I’ve found that, in my own life, when I start to shed those things that no longer serve me, I make room for a ton of growth. New relationships, new friends, new clients and opportunities…they make themselves evident when you open your eyes to them. I tend to live by a Dorothee Solle quote:

If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to something, I can neither give nor receive.

Ain’t that the truth? How are we supposed to grab onto the new opportunities in life if our hands are busy holding onto other shit?

Look at your life and your business today: what can you release so you can welcome new things?

And to the person still holding on that’s affecting those I love, let go. Move on. Stop being angry. You don’t want what you’re holding onto…you just don’t want anyone else to have it because you’re mad. White-knuckling life is no way to travel, eh?

You’ve been slapped.

“If you find that, at the end of the day, you haven’t done something that would potentially offend someone, what did you *do* all day? Stop acting as if the opinions of others matter more than your own and start LIVING. #shitivefiguredoutafter37yearsonEarth”

I’m unfiltered and unashamed. I’m having the love affair of my life with ME. And I’m never afraid to offend. If there’s one thing that I took away as a firmly reinforced rule by which to live and work is this:

If you don’t know who YOU are, how will anyone else?

Granted, there’s always the “fake it till you make it” element when we wander into a new space. I’m not talking about that. There’s also the evolution of a brand. Not talking about that either.

It’s the essence of YOU. Coca Cola and Dyson aren’t confused about who they are. I sat in front of Jay Jay French, Julien Smith, Chris Brogan, Steve Farber, Hank Wasiak and an absolutely adorable bartender at Morton’s Steakhouse this weekend (sorry – no weblink available) – confidence in who they are shimmered from every pore. (Dudes “sweat.” They don’t “shimmer.” I get it. Take the damn compliment.)

Look at your brand today, whether it’s YOU, YOUR COMPANY or YOUR CLIENT.

WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR? WHAT TO DO BELIEVE?

You cannot appeal to everyone at all times. But I think a pretty good goal is to appeal to the people with whom you want to have a conversation.

Your audience does not sing kumbayah. They do not believe in wishes, unicorns, ponies with magical manes, Candy Mountain, fluffy pillows and walks on the beach.

More likely, they believe in things like family values, our nation’s president, that avocados and olives are the devil, cheese will kill them, The Oatmeal is funny as shit or that Suze Orman is a waste of tits.

Embrace them and give them a place to feel safe and hold conversations. If you stand for everything, you stand for nothing. If you don’t make your legs out as clear appendages, then the fall is twice as hard. Why are we so afraid to upset the apple cart? Maybe the folks on that cart aren’t the folks we want to talk to in the first place. Perhaps they are and you offend them anyway. If they run screaming, fine. If they engage in discourse, even better. If YOU engage with them over the subject of offense, then who’s the winner?

It’s YOU, buddy. Yeah, you (gives reader a noogie).

Go out today and be offensive. I’m not talking run-through-your-office-with-no-pants-on offensive, but grow a pair and have the audacity to put something out there knowing there will be backlash.

That’s when change happens.

Bring on the boot.

We all go about our days, embroiled in routine and  administering ass kickings. But when’s the last time we willingly signed-up for one? As professionals, our livelihood thrives on the opportunity to share our knowledge base with those in need of what we know. People pay us to whip them and their businesses into shape. We pay for what we cannot provide for ourselves: dental cleanings, medical diagnosis, automotive repair. I say we add regularly scheduled ass kickings to that list.

There’s something delicious in the entirely tawdry, “Yes, Mistress! May I have another!!?!!?” As humans, however, we’ve developed an aversion to pain, and pain rears its head in many fashions. Dawning recognition, dissolution of a relationship, loss, failure. But why can’t we start seeing ass kickings as paths to opportunity instead of beat-downs from failure?

Here are five things I’ve learned about getting my ass kicked since my arrival in Los Angeles on Friday morning last week:

• When you think you can’t do it again, do it twice. Rarely have I ever thought about what I’m capable of achieving and by hiring someone to kick my ass, I remove my preconceived notions from the equation. If I think I have no more good ideas, nothing left in me, there’s so much left and it’s hiding in places I never imagined. That’s why you do it twice.
• You’re rarely a good judge of your potential, but you can get better. When you sign up for an ass kicking, they’re approaching YOU without emotion and with pure function. WHAT can they make you do? HOW can they push you? They could really give a shit if you’re tired or haven’t eaten enough today or you skipped your morning coffee. They’re there to push, and when they push without regard for your assumed comfort zones, you’re left with a great gift: a new realization of what you can achieve. That’s friggin’ priceless (and it means endless potential for your NEXT ass kicking).
• You do exactly what you’re thinking. If you’re thinking about lunch when you’re supposed to be doing something for a client, your client is getting the ass end of the deal. Similarly, when you need to execute something and you don’t plan your process, you’re screwing yourself. Take a moment and THINK about what you’re doing. We spend so much of our days just DOING that by taking a moment to THINK, we can vastly improve how we DO.
• You can DO better. Maybe you’re damn skippy at what you do. A freakin’ savant and force to be reckoned with. When you bring in outside eyes to have a gander at HOW you DO, you’re getting two things: someone to watch the process who has no attachment to how you FEEL about it and the ability to improve something that may be pretty great (or even not so pretty). By opening yourself up to the ass kicking, you’re saying “I want to DO better” and separating yourself from the attachment you might have to how you’ve BEEN doing. It’s a pretty cool feeling when you realize that yes, you can DO better and there’s nothing wrong with what you’ve BEEN doing. It’s the potential inherent in the future. That’s what I think is damn skippy.
• Comfort, schmomfort. Many of you know I’ve become quite the cycling nut. A gentlemen down in Colorado Springs is reported to say, “It’s cycling: if it were easy, they’d call it beer.” If you want to be comfortable, get a sofa or a Tempur-Pedic mattress. If you want to move forward, apply some pressure and I think a foot to the ass is the ideal means of pressure. Stop being so wrapped-up in FEELING. Start concerning yourself with DOING, PUSHING, CHANGING. We’re fairly hesitant to get out of our comfort zones, and this past week, I’ve enjoyed paying for the pleasure of having someone’s foot up my ass. Improving isn’t about being comfy – it’s about acquiring skills so that you build a foundation for improving even more down the line. When you stop searching for the “push point” and how that affects everything else you do, you may as well be a bag of Cheetos. Crunchy, orange, lumpy…static. Bleh.

Stop emailing and pick up the goddamn phone, would ya?

As someone who lives and breathes in a digital world, it’s entirely too easy for me to sit down and tap-out a response when someone sends me an electronic ping. Text messages, emails – doesn’t matter. If I can type it, I can send it. And half the time I should be picking up the phone instead.

How much gets misinterpreted and poorly conveyed when you decide to respond to emails on the go or at 3 AM when you can’t sleep? Not everyone’s a writer and bril with the Webster’s action – and even if you are, there’s still the potential for something to get lost in translation when you opt to type instead of speak.

We’ve begun using email as a crutch. Opportunistic – we can do it at anytime and get things off our plate and put the ball in someone else’s court. When you think about it, it’s a half-shitty notion: I’m clearing my plate and dumping the contents in your lap. Yes, I know it’s 3 AM. Suck it.

Nice.

While digital communication has its place, the next time you’re faced with:

Option A: Hammering-out a conflict-laden response to an email or text

or

Option B: Dialing some digits

…perhaps you’ll opt for Option B.

For what it’s worth, I sent an email this morning to a new client in response to a minor issue, telling him to call me. Yes, I see the overwhelming FAIL in that whole scenario. It really wouldn’t have killed me to wait two hours and pick up the phone. But apparently I needed my plate clear then and there. Two hours…God forbid I have to wait such an extended time to have a real-time conversation about something that’s already spanned five emails at odd hours.

It’s funny, isn’t it? The fact that a five or ten minute phone call can erase hours of brooding over potentially misinterpreted words pounded out on a keyboard of indeterminate size. And yes, this also applies to those folk who think it’s A-freakin’-OK to stalk someone over text message. Pick up the phone, give someone a call and quit trying to avoid human interaction that makes relationships on any level work: friendship, business, lovers, dogs and cats.

Dogs don’t text message.They seem to get along just fine.

Tail wag: happy

Pouty face: tired/sad

Pee on carpet/eat couch: pissed.

Simple.