I’m pretty effing honored to have Ash Ambirge of The Middle Finger Project offer up a guest post to Redhead Writing. If you don’t know her, you should. If you think I’m irreverent, she’ll flip you shit and then make you sit in it. ‘Nuf said. Grab a coffee and a Snickers – this post is one that requires some settling in (and it’s worth it).

It wasn’t long ago that devastation quickly and quietly ambushed my life, culminating one night in a deserted K-Mart parking lot in the slums of South Philadelphia.

I sat in my car, underneath the unforgiving glow of an insect-encrusted floodlight, alternating between holding back the tears and not being able to stop them, followed by sporadic outbursts of kicking, yelling, screaming, and wailing at the universe for handing me this monumental test of strength that I was not, in any way, ready for.

Fucking universe and its perpetual lack of good timing.

I had hit rock bottom.  Not just any rock bottom, but the mother of rock bottoms, one covered in glass shards, stale cigarette butts, and dirty diapers, accompanied by a thick aroma of dread laced with despair.  Though, in retrospect, that might have just been the scent of late-night Philly streets–hard to tell at the time.

In that moment–my monumental moment of failure–I had exactly twenty-six dollars and thirty two cents in my checking account, zero available credit, and, as of one harrowing hour prior, no where to sleep that night. I had always known this moment could come at any time, and for many years, I feared it more than anything. My parents were both deceased by the time I graduated college, leaving me without much support and the unexpected title of bad ass orphan. That’s what I like to call it, anyway, because orphan alone sounds far too pathetic for someone who was once voted Most Likely to Succeed by her high school peers.

Boy did they fuck that one up.

I had known that if I slipped up anywhere along the way, this moment would one day find me. And lo and behold, suddenly there the bastard was, staring me in the face, taunting me with the smugness of victory. Life had brutally defeated me, once and for all.

So, amongst the crying, and the sobbing, and the punching of car objects that weren’t meant to be punched (your dashboard is much more durable than you think) I did the only thing that seemed right at the time–something I had never done before.

There at the steering wheel in the K-Mart parking lot, I, Ashley Ambirge, prayed.

A funny sight to see, actually–a recently-turned-homeless agnostic who doesn’t even know how to pray, praying. But clearly, I needed help, and since there didn’t seem to be any men with white horses nearby, I figured this god character would have to do.

I started with a little something like this:

So…hey, man.  Errr…sir…errr…god.

It’s me. The girl who lit the bank dumpster on fire in the 6th grade. I know you remember that day, don’t you? I still can’t believe we didn’t get caught. By the way, just so we’re clear, we totally didn’t mean for that to happen. You know how it is the first time you ever light a match–you don’t know it’s going to burn your finger so fast, and in a moment of panic you might make the fatal decision of throwing it, rather than blowing it out. Whoops. How were we suppose to know the dumpster was full of paper? Anyway, that’s not actually why I’m phoning you tonight.

The real reason is because, to be blunt, I suck. It’s been made very clear that I suck. This moment is testimony to the fact that I suck. But here’s the thing–from this day forward, I’m going to try with all my might not to suck. Not anymore.  No more sucking here. (Within context, of course.)

So, with all due respect, I was thinking that if you were feeling particularly chipper, maybe you could pull some strings and help me out of this mess. I know you’ve got a whole bunch going on right now with the economy, the Middle East, starving people in Africa, and fucking with Bush as as your new favorite sport, but right about now, I could really use a member of your angel posse.  I mean, what do you think?

I was met with silence. Apparently this god character isn’t much of a talker.

I stop, let my head fall to the steering wheel, and sob some more.

I’m fucked.

Growing up, I had always been one of those annoying girls with the annoying list of accomplishments. Student Council President. Captain of the volleyball team. AP Calculus kiss ass. Prom Promise Princess.  (Which basically means you vow not to do the nasty in your $200 Jessica McClintock dress, and then go out and do it anyway because, ohmygawd, it’s high school, and like, Troy Collins will totally let you wear his varsity jacket if you do.)

Brownie-baking, fund-raising whores.

And yet, that’s exactly who I was.

So much so, that the founder of Monster.com awarded me a full scholarship to a well-known private university.  I went on to graduate in the top ten of my college class, with not one degree, but two. I even went ahead and got a Master’s degree for shits and giggles (because isn’t that why anyone gets their Master’s degree?).  Later, I worked my way up the corporate ladder in marketing, and then as an account executive in advertising sales, handling national accounts and being awarded high praise (and compensation) for my efforts.  At one point, I had the perfect job, the perfect car, the perfect outfits, the perfect life, and even the perfect home.

And yet somehow, it all came tumbling down, and the next thing you know, there I am praying. Just goes to show that anything can happen, really.

It’s a long story as to how I went from picket fence to K-Mart, but I think the words, “financial irresponsibility,” “illegal Mexican immigrant lover” and “nearly choked me to death” sum it up quite nicely.

I loved him.  Madly.  Passionately.  Irrationally.

Until the day I was forced not to.

Until the day he slammed me up against the wall of our apartment, his hands tightly gripped around my neck, my air supply completely cut off. I waited for him to let go, and started to panic when he didn’t. I looked him in the eyes, and pleaded with him with my own, but what glared back at me was a cold, unfeeling hollow shell of what once was. He gripped tighter. I cried harder. And in that moment, I was sure I was going to meet my fate.

That was one hour prior to my K-Mart moment of glory.

I had managed to escape, taking what little clothes I could gather, piling them into the trunk of my car, and driving away as fast as I could. Though, with a quarter tank of gas, and only $26 to my name, I knew I wouldn’t get very far. For years I hadn’t played it safe with my finances, and now it was finally time to pay in more ways than one. And I was scared.

Fortunately, that whole bad ass orphan thing had an up side, principally in making me unapologetically stubborn. I might have only had $26, but I’d be damned if I couldn’t find a way to survive.

I knew I needed to draw on what resources and knowledge I had at the time, and that’s exactly what I planned to do. There would be no more reliance on opportunity to come a knockin’; it was time for me to start busting down some goddamn doors uninvited. So, I did the next best thing to praying.  (And drinking, of course, since that seems to be frowned upon while seated in an automobile.)

I opened my MacBook.

Beyond the freelance writing I had been doing, I had a little secret weapon that I had been building up, called a blog. It wasn’t just any blog; it was a blog titled–ahem–The Middle Finger Project (what? it’s classy, shut up), and it was a blog with about 2,500 subscribers at the time–something that, to me, was an accomplishment of sorts. On the blog, I talked about the importance of freedom in our short, short lives, and promoted entrepreneurship as a means of achieving that freedom. Freedom so we could do work that mattered to us, freedom so we could be with people that mattered to us, and freedom so we could focus on the things that mattered to us.

I knew that eventually I would turn it into a business, but wasn’t quite ready to take that full leap. I kept relegating it to a far off place called, “soon,” but the week I became homeless, I suddenly realized the sheer value of utter disaster:  Sometimes, you have to be on the brink of it, in order for motivation to override procrastination.

So right then and there, I decided to take a risk–I would try and leverage my blog and skill set to the best of my capabilities, in an attempt to create something of value for my audience that I could charge for. I wasn’t in the best mental state, and would need some time to develop said resource, but $26 surely wouldn’t last me until it was finished. So, I did something that, at the time, I thought was unconventional:  I decided to offer a pre-sale of the product I hadn’t yet made, nor had no clue how to make. I was nervous; I had never sold anything on my blog before, and wasn’t sure what the reaction would be, or whether anyone would even bother buying something that didn’t yet exist. I was even more nervous that I’d be laughed at, and that I’d lose every subscriber I ever had. But, I had no choice–it was sink, or swim, and I was determined to thrash my way through it, no matter what it took.

So in that very moment, there in the K-Mart parking lot, under the beam of the unforgiving, insect-infested light, I wrote this post. (Note: The original copy announcing the pre-sale has since been edited, which makes me sad, but the majority of the content is still in its original form.)

Throughout the post, my pain is hidden, buried deep beneath such encouraging words that, admittedly, I wasn’t sure I believed at the time. But after all, they say a blogger typically writes what s/he needs to hear most, and this is a prime example.

This blog post was a desperate attempt at me trying to save my own life.

The next day, I closed my eyes before pushing publish on the post from an internet cafe, and gave myself a quick pep-talk: It’s now or never, Ambirge. The worst that could happen is the no one pre-orders the book, and you’ll have to start asking friends to borrow some money and a couch. That isn’t so bad, is it? Surely someone will help. Won’t they?

I took a deep breath and hit publish.

And I sat, and waited, and gritted my teeth, and chipped away at my nail polish, refreshing my Gmail over and over, hoping to see the words “Sale – EJunkie” come through.

But nothing came.

Nothing within the first two minutes, that is.

Suddenly, right before my very eyes, my angel posse arrived, because the next thing you know, not just one sale came through, but several.  And more.  And more.  And even more!  I couldn’t believe what was happening; did my audience believe in me that much?

Within an hour I had sold 20.

Within two hours, I had sold 60.

And by the end of the day, I had sold 116.

At my pre-sale price of 50% off, at $12 a pop, that amounted to $1392.

I’d never been so grateful.

That $1392 did more than get me some gas money; it gave me the initial faith that I needed to continue, to start hand-crafting my own reality, rather than waiting for someone else to come along and give me the opportunities I wanted.  That was some time ago, but the lesson I learned that day–the value of creatively leveraging your talents–is one that has since helped me build The Middle Finger Project brand and turn it into the full-time business I had once only dreamed about. Fast forward to present day, and I just closed last month out with $10,132 in revenue, all from that little vulgarly-titled blog of mine–the vehicle that made all the difference in the world for me, the moment I finally started letting it.

And to think:  All it took was financial ruin with a dose of abuse mixed with a smattering of homelessness.  Funny how that works.

I haven’t told this story often, for fear that telling it would make me appear weak and somehow unworthy. Yet, as I’ve grown, and as my business has grown, I look back and reflect, only to realize that the only reason I’ve been able to reach the level of success I have today is because of the cracks in the foundation–as it turns out, those cracks don’t represent flaws, but rather, marks of character. Badges of honor. Street cred–literally. And the start of a journey that has only just begun.

For me, disaster was my saving grace.

Perhaps the universe doesn’t have such perpetual bad timing, after all. I’d normally insert some feel-good horse shit here about embracing your circumstances, and looking on the bright side, but at the end of the day, that’s a joke.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  It isn’t about imagining the silver lining. It’s about taking the sharpest knife you can find, vehemently slashing through all of the bullshit, and yanking it out with your bare hands.

You have no choice.

And if, by chance, you ever find yourself in a K-Mart parking lot in the slums of Philadelphia, I have only one piece of advice:

Lock your fucking doors.

And then get to work.

Because truth be told? There is no angel posse.

This one’s all you.

Today’s guest post is by Michelle Mangen, possibly one of the best Virtual Assistants in the universe. She’s savvy in everything from social media to bookkeeping and can be found online at Your Virtual Assistant as well as on Twitter.

As is typical with Facebook there have been a lot of changes taking place recently. Some time ago we were given the option to “upgrade” to the new personal profile layout. (Note: it may now be required)  Among the many differences in the new layout there are two things you may want to change as soon as possible.

1. Linking Your Fan Page to Your Personal Profile
2. Editing Your News Feed Items to Show All Friends and Fan Page Updates

By default Facebook apparently “set up” a new fan page if you previously had a company name listed in your profile as “employer”.  If you don’t change this potential “fans” will be going to the wrong destination.  Do your potential clients and fans a favor and set that link to go to your true page.

In this photo anyone who clicks on “Your Virtual Assistant” will be directed to my actual fan page and not the non-existent page that Facebook created.

You may be one of the lucky ones who can easily add your page by tagging it with @Your Fan Page Name. I was one of the lucky ones. All of my clients haven’t been so lucky….if you are one of those who can’t get your Fan Page to connect by simply tagging it these instructions are for you.

These instructions will only work with the Web Developer Add-On for FireFox or Chrome. Before completing the steps below download this tool for your browser from the appropriate link above and install as necessary.

1. Go to your Fan Page and copy the Page ID (a long set of numbers at the very end of your Fan Page URL)
2. Open a separate window with your personal Facebook profile>Edit Profile>Education and Work
3. Type your fan page name into the employer box ~ don’t be alarmed that it brings up the wrong page
4. From the Web Developer extension that you installed open the option that reads “Forms” and then “Display Form Details”
5. Enter the Page ID that you copied from Step 1 into the “employer ID boxes” (NOTE: your page will look different than mine because my Facebook profile attached by simply tagging my fan page name but the picture below will give you a general idea …just be sure to add your page ID to the fields that indicate “employer ID”.
6. When finished adding in your Page ID into the employer ID fields click save changes at the bottom of the page.
7. You can now turn off the Web Developer “Display Forms Detail” option and you should see your fan page connected to your personal profile complete with your fan page photo.
8. Go back to your personal profile and test the link to assure it’s correct.

Congrats on linking up your Facebook fan page to your personal profile!

You may also want to change Item #2 mentioned above. With the massive changes that took place the week of Feb. 6, 2011 your news feed has changed to only show updates from recent interactions you have had with fan pages and friends. If you’d like to show all updates and not limit yourself to only those you’ve interacted recently there is one simple step you have to take.

1. Select “News Feed” from your home page
2. Scroll to the very bottom of your news feed page and select “Edit Options”
3. By default the recent changes are set at “Friends and Pages you Interact with Most” — change this to the other option “All of Your Friends and Pages”
4. Save

OMFG – another GUEST POST? Yes, Preeeeeeeeeeecccccious, it’s true. Today, we have the bubbly and slightly snarky Antonia Harler.

I started a new job a few weeks ago, which is completely irrelevant in context of this post, except it’s not. It made me realize something. I no longer have time for BS on Twitter. But sadly, Twitter seems to be turning into a mad circus full of creepy clowns that shamelessly self promote, are not afraid to spam you with useless links or simply tweet for the sake of tweeting. And let’s not forget about those, who think it’s unnecessary to read the content they are tweeting.

I know I’m not alone with this feeling. I see a lot of Tweets every day complaining about the uselessness of some users, which begs the question whether or not it’s our fault for following them or if “they” just forget that they are dealing with actual people.

Don’t get me wrong. I *love* Twitter and the opportunities it has presented to me. But this kind of BS made me miss all the good stuff that’s floating around in the Twitterverse. And I refuse to miss it. That’s why, much unlike myself, I started to organize and plan. Scary, right? But it’s made such a difference.

And today, our amazing redhead, allowed me to share. (Holy sweet Jesus on a cracker!!) Anyway, here are some nifty tips and tricks to filter through the noise and kick the creepy Twitter clowns in the butt.

• Twitter clients! I’ve been in love with Tweetdeck from the start but there are many others. Hootsuite & Seesmic to name just two of the most popular. Whichever you decide to choose, you’ll be in heaven. The options they present to you are almost infinite, which brings me to my second point:

• Lists, lists, lists! I refused to use them for a long time. If you are unconvinced, take it from me, they are magic. By organizing the people you follow and putting them into lists you cut out 75 % of the noise. MAGIC. All of a sudden you don’t miss the good stuff anymore and even if you do, you can scroll down without having to read hundreds of useless Tweets. (Sidenote: Start using lists soon after joining Twitter. It will save you a ton of work in the longrun.)
• Re-evaluate and curate your stream! Now this, my lovelies, is an ongoing process. As much as I wish it wasn’t, it is. By unfollowing people that add no value to your stream, and instead adding people that do, you avoid a lot of frustration.
• Use #hashtags! Twitter hashtags are popular for Twitter chats, conferences and events but they are also a great way to organize yourself. If you and your followers agree to append a certain hashtag to Tweets about a particular topic, it becomes easier to find said topic in search and it’s also more likely for the topic to appear in Twitter’s trending topics.
• Don’t Auto Follow! There’s a great big myth floating around that says that the more followers you have the more influential you are. For some that may even be true but for the most part I think differently. The number of followers you have is irrelevant as long as your audience is there to listen to *you*. Be picky about who you follow. Quality over quantity.
• If all of the above doesn’t help, consider using a tool such as Proxlet. It’s a tool I’ve secretly been dreaming about. It let’s you block apps, filter Twitter tags and mute users (without unfollowing them) for a day, a week, or.. gasp.. forever! A puppy just got wings! And to top it all off, it doesn’t only work on the web but also with Desktop and mobile clients.  Brilliant!

By following those steps, I’ve transformed my Twitter experience and actually managed to make the most of it while working full time. Do you think I’ve missed something? Then PLEASE, share it in the comment section. And if you have a question, then post that too. If I don’t know the answer, I’m pretty sure Erika will. And in case Erika doesn’t.. gasp gasp.. I’m pretty sure someone else in this lovely community will.

***

FYI, Antonia & Social Glitz are the authors of the immensely helpful Ultimate List of Free Social Media Tools. You owe it to yourself to stop by and have a read.

Today’s guest post is by the ever-entertaining Marian Schembari. I found one of her posts last year via the Twitterz and have been stalking her ever since.

Back in April I uprooted my life in New York to move temporarily to London, and then New Zealand where my Kiwi boyfriend and I could live in visa-drama-free harmony.

Whenever I explain to friends and family how this is possible I say something along the lines of, “My job is online, I can work from anywhere!” Strangers assume this is mildly glamorous. Blog readers have expressed jealousy in my ability to “live carefree.”

I may be now living in one of the most beautiful countries on earth, but location independence is harder than it looks. I am not on permanent vacation. I spent six months in London not actually experiencing because my eyes were too adjusted to my computer screen to be able to focus on real, live humans.

And the two months I’ve been in New Zealand? I’ve taken one trip beyond my new neighborhood. And that’s because it was Christmas.

So before you go traipsing off to Thailand like every other lifestyle designer on the interwebs, let me share a few truths I’ve learned from my year as a “location independent freelancer.”

Truth #1: Normal People Don’t Understand “Working for Yourself”

The UK apparently didn’t like my “self-employed” line as they thought it meant “gonna lock down a job in the UK and steal all the monies from hard working Brits.”

After reading my journal, locking me up in a detention facility overnight and stalking me on Google, I was to be officially deported to my last port of entry. They eventually let me go without deportation – *wipes brow* – but not sans the help of a phone call from mommy, a $1,200 return flight purchase and forcing immigration to actually sit down and read my blog.

You see, not only was it very clear on my site that I run my own business, but I also wrote a post about my eventual departure form London to New Zealand.

TIP: The blog post apparently worked as it was written months before my departure, but I wouldn’t recommend this tactic. Before entering any country you plan to be in long-term, bring proof you work for yourself. As most freelancers know, folks with “real jobs” tend to get nauseous just thinking about us.

Truth #2: You Can’t Actually Work from Anywhere

After moving to New Zealand I found out about broadband limits. Apparently there’s no such thing as unlimited internet on this side of the equator and when you go over the measly 20-40GB? Oh. Right. They switch you to dial-up speed.

So those videos I make for my clients that require a massive upload to my website? I’ve had to cut those down big time.

The books clients send me so I can see samples of their work? Scratch that.

So no. I can’t actually work anywhere. You can’t actually work anywhere.

TIP: If your business is mostly run online, check the internet regulations and specifics of your country of choice. Also make sure there’s at least one cafe that doesn’t charge for wifi (I’m looking at you, New Zealand Starbucks).

Truth #3: You’ll Want to Travel. But You Won’t.

Being a freelancer is like being in school: There is always some assignment hanging over your head. So when you imagine yourself cruising across the Adriatic in that jet boat, remember when that smoldering Italian fisherman asks you to come to his villa for some gelato and pasta he’ll feed you with his fingers, you may have to bail early to finish that project that needed to be turned in yesterday.

TIP: Cut back your workload. Listen, I got nothing better for you on this one. Know you will regret not taking that road trip across the South Island because you had to finish that copy for client x. So either reduce the stuff that needs doing or stay at home where you won’t feel like you’re missing out.

Truth #4: Getting Paid is a Royal Pain in the Ass

Regardless of where you are, your clients will most likely be back home. And unless you’re big into taking large sums of money via PayPal and parting with 3% every time someone pays you, you need some way to get moolah.

Luckily, my family is still in the States and, because they’re nice, my parents deposit client checks on my behalf.

Because I’ll be in New Zealand for the foreseeable future, not having Kiwi clients hasn’t stopped me from opening up a bank account. Right now I pay around $10 for each withdrawal from my US bank and it’s a gain head ache. Never mind a waste of money.

TIP: Find a credit card that won’t charge ridiculous fees for taking out cash (Bank of America had a deal with Barclays while I was living in England) and have someone nice at home who can collect payments and deal with them. Sure, they need to really like you and live near your bank of choice, but I gotta say – not having to accept thousands of dollars through PayPal makes this totally worth it.

Lesson? Do it.

This isn’t to say location independence isn’t great. Looking back, I really should have been more prepared, but I was sort of fooled by the ease these online-lifestyle-design-douches seem to be running their businesses from really obscure countries.

At the end of the day though, after this year abroad I never want to HAVE to be somewhere. I feel ill just thinking about it. But just because I’m traveling doesn’t mean I’m not working. And just because I’m IN these countries doesn’t mean I experience them in the same way a traveler would.

That all said, I’ve only been doing this for a year. I may get better at it, I may decide to settle down. I also think plenty of folks do it significantly better than I.

Have you tried it? Are you considering it? Do you now want to hit me upside the head for not making it seem sparkly and magical? Better you know the truth…

Today’s post is authored by an ACTUAL redhead, known as The Naked Redhead. If that’s not enough to get you to read, I have no idea what is.

“Bring a donut for yourself, and you’re a hog.  Bring a donut for the whole office and you’re a hero.”

–T. N. Redhead

Have you ever noticed the difference between the donut eaten furtively in the privacy of your own home, and the dozen donuts purchased to surprise the office?  With a simple act of generosity, you’ve transformed from inhaling several hundred calories all by your lonesome, to sharing a delicious sugary treat experience as a group (P.S.—group calories are null).  In blogging and social media, you’re either eating a donut by yourself, or you’ve brought some to share with a couple thousand of your closest friends.

In other words, “It’s not about you.”

I gotta be honest, I learned this lesson the hard way.  My first experience on the blogosphere was reading the “big blogs”…the ones where people wrote stuff and other people flocked to read said stuff just because it was there.  That was in the early stages of the blogging boom where truly, the Field of Dreams statement applied:  “If you make it, they will come.”

Blogging, however, has changed (and if someone tells you otherwise, run far away.  People who have instant success overnight with blogging are the exception, not the rule), but I didn’t get it for a long time.  I figured if I slapped some words on a screen, Ray Liotta would friggin’ step out of a corn field and be my best online dead baseball playing friend.

But then one day it hit me:  NOBODY CARES unless you show them you care first.

It’s a lot like real life, right?  If you want to have friends, be a friendly person yourself.  When I realized that it wasn’t about me and my little bloggy donut, boy, did things change.  Here are a few things sharing donuts has taught me about blogging and social media:

Find out what kind of donuts your audience likes.

You like donuts, and your donut of choice is a Long John.  Your audience, however, might really prefer plain glazed most of the time, and will only occasionally eat a Long John.  One of the best ways to figure out what your audience likes is to do a quick and easy survey.  My most recent survey (via Survey Monkey) was a mere six questions long, and it helped me to channel my content more concisely than ever before.  I also displayed the results so my readers had a bigger sense of their collective “TNR Reader” identity.  Six easy questions that were not about me generated a bigger community response than one more post about how awesome I am.

Share your donuts with a genuinely generous and kind spirit.

It’s okay to know that in some way, you’re sharing donuts so that you can also one day benefit, but there’s a big difference between saying, “HERE ARE MY DONUTS!  Now where’s MY present?” and saying, “Here are my donuts.  I really hope you like them,” without expectation of immediate, tangible return.  That’s what a gift really is, right?   You wouldn’t bring a donut to your boss and say, “Here’s a donut, gimme a raise.”  Ewww…jerkface.  Don’t do that to your readers, k?

Let your new “It’s not about me,” attitude filter into every part of your online personality.

When I realized it wasn’t about me, I not only refocused my blog’s content, but I also immediately changed my auto-responder on Twitter from:

“Thanks for following me, now read my awesome shit here http://linktomyawesomewebsite.com!”

To:

“Thanks for the follow.  What’s one thing I should know about you?”

My response percentage went through the roof, with even savvy, experienced Tweeters responding to say, “Is this an auto-response?  I can’t tell.  Oh, I really like ducks.” (ßParaphrased from an actual response)

At that point, my new followers didn’t even care that I might not have personally typed that specific message the moment they followed me; they were just excited that someone out there cared enough to ask about them instead of simply eating a donut in front of them. (And for those with inquiring minds, yes, it’s an auto-DM. The question, however, does stem from a genuine place, the means is simply necessary from an efficiency standpoint. I absolutely answer every response.)

Because that’s what those “read MY stuff” auto-responders, ad nauseum “buy my shit” posts, and spammy e-mails are like.  They are the equivalent of solo-scarfing a goddamn delicious, chocolate covered, cream-filled donut on stage in front of a crowd of hungry, salivating people.  It’s a show, sure, but not one that people will ever watch again.  In fact, don’t be surprised if some of the audience likes the “performer” just a bit less…especially after the grand finale of languorous finger licking.

And finally…

Lest you think this post is saying that you should slave away for years bowing only to the whims of your audience, denying yourself any pleasure or financial return in your whole little bloggy quest, remember that just because you’re sharing donuts, doesn’t mean you don’t get to eat a donut, too.  I mean, that’s the whole fun of bringing donuts to a gathering, right?  You all get to dig in as a group and eat the shit out of those sweet confections.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall into a sugar coma.   Mmmm…donuts.

Today’s post is by Martin Stellar. He contacted me last week, asking if I’d like to read something he’d written, as he realized he had inadvertently made it a dedication to Jason Schippers. I said “ship it,” and today, you’re reading Martin’s literary craftings. Martin Stellar is a copywriter and a singularly odd micro-genius. He’s usually harmless and sometimes even funny, when he’s not busy rousing people into performing charitable acts of kindness. You can follow Martin on Twitter and check out his site at MartinStellar.com. If you’re interested in guest posting on RedheadWriting, use my contact form to drop me a line.

This post was intended to go on my own blog, but as I was writing it I realized that somehow, at some deeper level, I was dedicating it to Jason Schippers. I carefully asked Erika if she would like to read it. Afterwards, she said that she would post it, so here we are.

Why I Didn’t Write Last Night – And Why I Want a Christmas Present From You

Last night I had just finished a productive day of work, and I figured I’d go to a bar to write a guest post that’s been laying around for a while. You know, have a beer and see some life around me. Being a writer is nice and for an ex-monk living the hermit lifestyle is fine, but sometimes you just want some fresh air and some people in earshot.

I toted my laptop down the street, installed myself, ordered a beer. Started writing. Stopped.

There was a man right next to me who wanted to know why I was sitting in a plain old cafe with my shiny Mac.

“You’re a writer? Write about me!”

I eyed him carefully. A fifty-ish, slightly nervous but friendly guy, dressed rather less than casually. He looked like a simple but shrewd feller.

“Ok” I said. “Tell me a story, and I’ll write it down. Tell me something from your past that really touched you. Good or bad, but something that had an impact.”

He said we’d have to go to his friend’s bar and he’d tell me. I didn’t really want to because I was in the mood for a good writing session of my own, but he said: “Do me the favor.”

His friend’s bar was, in a word, grotty. Tiles on the wall, a stainless steel counter. A clientele consisting of older men in various states of alcoholic soporification, life fatigue, or by the looks of it: both.

The girl behind the counter was a pretty Colombian number with as keen an eye as you’ll ever see, and a black eye that was just short of being healed.

Broken people. Lost hope, strength, dreams. A lost leg. Resignation.

You know. People. It just happened to be a condensed mix of people who hadn’t made it in life. People who had nowhere near the chance all of us do to make something of it yet.

I Crashed

Here I was, a happy and fairly successful foreigner, in a small working man’s town in Southern Spain. In tune and in touch with the hip and the rich, carving out his little niche. Huzzah.

Surrounded by people who had totally lost their way.

The thing that hurt me most was seeing a girl who, by the looks of it, should have been a stellar student somewhere.  Stuck in a grimy cafe, drafting beers for clients who only wanted to chat her up crudely. And probably feel her up in the same manner. With almost enough make-up to cover her fading black eye. Young, and still unbroken enough to make it forward, but probably in for another few years of beating from her souteneur. That’s a fancy word for a not so fancy job: pimp.

It really sucked. While I am getting into the swing of this new career and being awed daily by the amazing people I meet, somewhere around the corner something bad happens. Someone falls and can’t get up, either in the bathroom or in life.

Every day.

Nothing new eh? Big deal. Life suck and shit happens, correct? Maybe I just happened to walk into a mental asylum and asked: ‘Is the entire world mad?’

Whatever, maybe. Your call.

So Why the Deuce Did I Stay There?

Because I realized that right then and there, I was able to give these people something that cost me nothing at all. In fact, I was getting free beer for it. But I could give them something that they probably haven’t received in more time than they’d care to remember.

In this case, talking to my new friend Julian, it was undivided attention. An hour or so of someone really listening to him. Paying attention to what he says, how he feels, who he is. Because, you know, he’s one of the lost ones. On the street, most people wouldn’t spend too much time talking to him.

With the girl, it was a good looking mysterious foreigner, who chatted with her a bit about Colombia and living in Spain. For a change, a man who did not want something from her. Just a chat, a few smiles and nothing more.

I walked out burning and itching to write this.

This Christmas, I Want You to Give

And I’d like you to start right the fuck now, please. With a cherry on top (and a battle axe in my hand).

Yeah I’m in the seasonal mood. You bet. Even though I’m the guy who vomits first when the Christmas madness starts in October in the shops.

I want you and everybody else, to give. I don’t care what it is. Anything goes. It’s about you giving something, something small and free. Just because you can.

You’ll find that with all the following examples, the person you give it to, he or she will not have been expecting it at all. They may not even be used to it anymore. And they may even not want it, in which case you shouldn’t push through. It’s not a gift if it’s forced upon someone.

Do it. Give. You’ll do a favor to them and to yourself with each of these little gifts, and every other you can think of.

Give…

• A hug
• A smile
• A cup of coffee to the guy next in line
• A book you cherish
• Some time that you’d rather spend on something else
• Biting your tongue for a change
• Speaking your mind for a change
• Not being so bloody stubborn for a change
• Standing your ground for a change
• Forgiveness
• If you want to give some money to someone or some cause, give it
• Lots of forgiveness
• Love, of course (What, are you dumb? Of course love)

Anything will do. Give something to someone, as often as you can, just because you can.

And don’t stop after Christmas. Just do it, again and again. It’ll even become second nature. And it will show you something sooner or later, and I would love for you to send me an email when that happens.

Do it. Give. Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, what did you expect? You think I’m going to wait a week to fully ride that Christmas wave like a good sleazy marketer should? I’m not a whore.

Well, maybe a little. Merry Christmas.

Oh, and please share, spread, retweet, Stumble, Facebook, Digg, Reddit and whatever the hell you want to do. Print it out and paste it on a message board. Make a Christmas card out of it. Mail it to your friends. Let’s get this message SEEN, people.

This is published under full free rights. You can do with this message whatever you want as long as you keep the core message intact. Copy, alter, edit, put your name under it, I don’t care. Whatever it takes to get this message out to as many people as possible.

Let’s tell the world that we have all, every one of us, something valuable to give. Let’s start giving. Now.

Now, you guys know I love boots. Hats. Fabulous fashion. I took those proclivities and wove them into a brand new post:

Tim Gunn’s Top 5 Tips for More Stylish Content

Who’s Tim Gunn? Have you been under a rock? He’s the dashing silver-haired voice of reason (and oftentimes, hilarity) for the hit show Project:Runway. Stop by Copyblogger today and check out this tidbit. Drop a comment, share it on Twitter, print it out and wallpaper your bathroom (or cat box) with it. Turn it into New Years confetti…awwyeah.

Enjoy – it’s delicious that I get to do what I love in more than one place. And yes, I realize that sounds a tad dirty. Did you expect any less from me?

About the Author

Simon Gornick is “The Tagline Machine” a top content consultant and copywriter with over a decade of experience delivering lines to most of the top studios in Hollywood. Follow him on Twitter@taglinemachine.

You can reach him via his site at http://taglinemachine.com

The Not-A-Top-Ten List

As someone who loves writing, I despise the whole idea of the “Top Ten List”.  So in a spirit of wild defiance I’m not going to number these tips. I’m not even going to put bullets next to them. But even without numbers or bullets they may help you create your own catchy slogans, or to know what to ask for if you’re getting some help.

Words are like toys – play with them!

The English language is an endless playground of meaning and counter-meaning.  Implications, juxtapositions, puns, punctuation. Try them all.  A slogan is like a poem. It’s something you can sketch, build, take apart and build again. Creating a good tagline has to be fun, or it won’t be good.

Does your tagline got rhythm?

Make the most of the music of your line to help them connect to your target audience.  Even in a few words, a great line can have a beat, a flow, even an echo. Listen to your lines out loud and hone them down to give them more rhythm.

Write yourself a creative brief

A creative brief isn’t a particularly skimpy pair of undies. It’s the roadmap to what you need in a Tagline. How do you want your brand to be seen? How would you describe it in human terms? What’s your target audience? Objectively, ask and answer key questions about your business.

We all need options

When I write lines for a client, I study the creative brief I get from them and come up with lines choices that explore a series of directions that express that brief.  Don’t be happy with the first decent notion that hits the page.

To thine tagline be true

The audience has a great big polygraph test it uses on anyone who’s stretching the truth unacceptably. So the simple advice is – don’t try to twist the truth in your tag or you’re guaranteed to get busted.

No big words

Shorter single syllable words have more immediacy and impact. Long words take up valuable persuasion time.  And when you only have four seconds, every millisecond counts.  As for words that require a reader to check a dictionary; go ahead and ask yourself whether they will.

And definitely no buzz words

Buzzwords are created by lazy writers for lazy writers, and lazy is not what you want associated with your brand. Steer clear of game-changers, ideations, and out-of-the-box slogan approaches if you want to connect with a fast moving internet audience.

Longer is better

That’s the long and the short of it. You get more word options, more time to connect and more wordplay with which to enhance emotional resonance.  Shorter taglines are very a la mode right now, but if they work at all they only deliver for mega-brands.  Don’t tagline your blog with the single word “Insight” or use “Advanced. Intelligent” for your startup slogan. Uggh.

Borrowing is bad

A good tagline says a huge amount about the brand it represents. And so does a bad one. One of the big mistakes people get into is thinking that borrowing is a bonus. It’s not. It just says that you’re short on imagination. And that is never a good image to project to an audience. If your line feels second-hand, even if it’s accidental, then it probably is.

Make ‘em laugh

Marketing is seduction. And the best way to seduce is with laughter. Wit is power, pure and simple.  But don’t be clever for clever’s sake or you’ll blow it. If you’re not naturally funny, don’t force it. Hire someone to be funny for you. Heck, every funny guy in Hollywood does it, so why shouldn’t you?

Clichés are bad news

Using a cliché in your tagline is a really bad idea, because to your visitors it looks like you picked some vaguely connected cliché INSTEAD of a tagline. You do not want that.

Go with your gut

There’s no science to writing a great slogan. It’s all art. Or to put it another way, it’s all in the gut. Formulas are good for learning a strong foundation, but when you’re trying to nail your line, use what you’ve learned to go with your gut on the right slogan.

Half an idea is no idea at all

Don’t expect your audience to finish a thought. They’re not going to do your work for you. If they think or even worse see an ellipsis, they’ll just….piss off to the next site.

Subtlety might not do the trick

The internet audience is very literal. I mean we love them and all, but keep it obvious, and at the same time make it fresh. That isn’t a contradiction. It’s a challenge.

Say it out loud

The phrases you remember best are the ones that talk to you. In other they’re like conversation bites. You could imagine saying them yourself. The same is true of taglines. They need to feel natural. There’s one sure fire test to check that. Say your line ideas out loud. If they sound ponderous and awkward, you can bet your boots they’re not memorable.

Check it before you use it

I’m not a lawyer, so make sure you consult one before you publish any tagline, but here’s an example of what you don’t want to happen. You came up with a fabulous winning line, put it on your site to rave reviews, only to find that someone in your business space came up with something just like it, and sends you a rude letter or ten telling you to take it down or worse. You get the picture.

Best of Luck, everyone. May your slogan be good to you.

Listen up!

Today’s post is by Simon Gornick, “The Tagline Machine,” a top content consultant and copywriter with over a decade of experience delivering lines to most of the top studios in Hollywood. You can reach him via his site at http://taglinemachine.com and follow him on Twitter at TaglineMachine. He’s new to the Twittersphere – so say hello!

What is a tagline anyway?

You’ve got four seconds to get your message across.

Taglines are industry speak for those catchy brand or product slogans that have been a staple of the advertising and marketing landscape for decades. They’re the text that’s at the sharp end of a marketing message, and good ones can drive logos, images and ideas home with audiences in a matter of seconds.  These days, it’s not just big brands that have them. Increasingly, especially in the dog-eat-dog landscape of the Internet today, they’re part of the lexicon of small business and personal branding too.

Why (just about) everyone needs a tagline

Unless you’ve been living in a cave in a jungle on an uninhabited island in the Pacific, you’re well aware that the global economy is in a very serious funk. More and more people on this side of the pond have to strike out on their own with the only weapon at their disposal. The Internet.

Some choose that road, while others have it thrust upon them.  But whoever you are, on the web means everyone starts as a teeny, tiny fish in a vast ocean. Getting noticed is everything. And that’s just the way it is.

If you look at your Internet content on a word-by-word basis, some of the biggest bang for your buck is right at the top of the page next to your logo. A good tagline tells me what you and your business is all about. It’s a critical part of the focus and engagement equation, and a great way to distract the audience from its endless flow of marketing distractions.

Takeaway

Unless you’re a big brand, you’ve got about 4 seconds to make an impact before a prospect gets click-happy.  A tagline positioned just right can serve you proud.

When Logos get Lonely. (Sniff)

People respond to images with far more immediacy than they do to text. The brain just processes pictorial associations that much faster.  But you don’t need four seconds to get a logo. You need one, maybe two tops, and you’re ready for the next piece of information.

Of course, there aren’t many logos and company names that capture all you need to know about a brand.  That’s where the marketing slogan comes in. With the couple of seconds you have left before consumer dances off somewhere else you can deliver a great phrase that reinforces the graphic message of your logo or ad image.

Reinforcement can elevate enthusiasm and curiosity if the line matches an awesome logo, but more likely, a catchy slogan will help the save the day for a poor or average logo (which most are).  The tagline can deliver wit, intelligence, connection and meaning to a “whatever” logo. 

Takeaway

Nine times out of ten, your logo probably isn’t that good. Consider a strong tagline to give it a helping hand.

Personal Branding and Slogans. It’s All About Me.

The new entrepreneurial landscape doesn’t look kindly upon shrinking violets or boring people. We’ve go to be out there hawking our wares (in a nice, sharing-y kind of way, of course) rather than suppressing our inner carpetbagger.  You have to be witty, irreverent, insightful, original, and on point, not just some of the time, but all the time.  Taglines can really help in making those first impressions count and avoiding visitors to your site giving you a ’swift click in the pants’.

Imagine you’re at a party and wearing a great line on a t-shirt. People read it and laugh and they’ll look at you and say, “Okay, you’re cool”. But if the line on the t-shirt shouts out “unfunny dork”, they’re gone.

When you’re branding yourself, your logo is probably a photo of you.  Most of us aren’t blessed with movie star good looks, so a catchy slogan next to the picture can be a text driven “face-lift” to add a little extra fabulous.

The tagline might be a quote by you, the core of your insights, or even some grand scheme you have, but if it’s well written and not too bombastic, it can be the key to that all important virtual handshake with site visitors.

A sub-set of personal branding is blog branding. If you’re planning to monetize your blog, a great tagline can provide the overarching thought to the main thrust of your posts, constantly reinforcing the subject matter, themes and character of your work.

Takeaway

Taglines are great personal branding and blog differentiators. (Say that when you’re drunk, or bungee jumping.)

What are the dangers of bad taglines?

Great branding sloganeers get paid shed-loads of money to white board awesome, well-ideated, out of the box, ‘concepts’ that everyone up and down the chain or command agrees are just fab-tastic.  But when those very expensive lines are plastered everywhere they can just as easily get a crap-tastic reception in the big wide world.

Bad taglines are a damaging waste of marketing time and real estate. If someone sees a landing page for the first time, checks out the tagline and goes “uhh?” then there’s definitely a problem. A great example of the “uhh?” is the classic…

Excellence through total quality.

Whatever that means.

Sometimes a tagline can do serious harm to a brand or business because double (and undesirable) meanings just take your mind down avenues the brand really doesn’t want you to travel.

We want you to live.

That’s very nice of you, Mobil.

Make 7-Up Yours!

How dare you, 7-Up! Up yours too!

Put together your own Tagline Hall of Shame as you research your brand’s line. Seeing what not do really helps get it right.

Takeaway

Before you settle on a line, try it out on lots and lots of real people. If people say “get it AND like it” keep line. If people just say “get it”, ditch line, If you get red flags all over the place, dump line but quick.

Where is a tagline a bad idea?

Corporate Lawyers probably don’t need a slogan, because they’re professionals whose bread and butter comes from reputation and referrals, but if you’re an ambulance chaser advertising on the back of a bus, a catchy slogan is probably a good way of differentiating yourself from the other ambulance chasers advertising on the back of other buses. 

Takeaway

Just because everyone else has a tagline isn’t a good enough reason to get one of your own. It has to be something that works for your business.

Differentiashun

Differentiation is a key area where business taglines and catchy slogans can really bring it. If you’ve got a site selling a product or service, it’s a sure thing there’s a bunch of other people doing something pretty similar, unless you’re an Arabian horse trainer, or a unicycling beat poet, in which case your business speaks volumes without a tagline.

Sadly, most of us aren’t vintage fire truck restorers or baroque marionette designers. So what makes you special? And don’t lie because your four seconds will be up real fast once the public bullshit detector is switched on.

I’m a good copywriter, but the thing that makes me special is that I think, sleep, eat and drink taglines. Erika is an excellent copywriter who specializes in bold, snarkified posts that keep it seriously real.  She doesn’t just write, she rants and we can’t get enough of it.

Takeaway

It’s a no-brainer, but understand and feel what it is that makes your business special and, you know, kinda tagline that.

And coming soon…

Part 2 of this post – “The Definitive Do’s and Don’ts of Taglines” will wing its way right at you when Erika says it should.

While some of you may have difficulty accessing this website due to your corporate firewalls, know that the post isn’t by any means “adult” in nature. Stop by the site this evening when you get home from the office.

But if you need a good vibrator, they’ve got reviews of those, too

Are Universities Giving Hall Passes for Hate?

PS: Have you voted in the Westword Best of the Web awards for little ol’ me?

PPS: If you’re in Denver/Boulder, you could win tickets to see Lisa Lampanelli with me and 9 other folks on October 30 – today is the last day to enter!