Hi…yeah – is Bullshit in? No, It’s okay. I’ll hold.

Bullshit always keeps you on hold, doesn’t it?

The lines of communication propriety have become inarguably blurred by technology. I addressed this awhile back in a diatribe/personal memoir on online stalking, but think it bears repeating in a slappier tone. So let me rack my Bitch Slapping hand like a shotgun and say this:

Our audacity is blinding.

The social web is a brilliant tool. If used wisely, it offers greater insight into those people who matter to us most. Friends, family, colleagues, customers and clients all now have the opportunity to share their lives to any degree they see fit – from conspicuous absence to annoying overshare and every iteration in between. But here’s the rub: just because you can see someone online doesn’t mean you know them. And it certainly doesn’t mean you have access to them.

I don’t know about you, but the level of faux-social intimacy bullshit I deal with every day is astronomical. There’s nothing I adore more than a personal note from a reader or having the opportunity to answer a question for anyone who asks, but my social networks are becoming overrun with people who think they know me. Well, ya don’t. Here’s what you know about Erika: the persona. There are a select group of people in the Inner Sanctum, the ‘hood. But the rest? You’re standing outside singing “How Much is That Doggie in the Window?” and looking at an Irish Setter.

I know I’m not the only one who deals with this, so before I go from Erika to see-you-next-Tuesday in five paragraphs flat, let’s get to some common sense rules for the social web. These are my rules and perhaps not yours, but I think much of it is common sense. Let’s take a spin on the Train to Communication Propriety and stop this epically fucked devolutionary process back to knuckle dragging Neanderthals that club Jane on the head and drag her back into the cave so we can sneak a look at her Facebook profile when no one’s looking.

Text Messaging

If you get someone’s phone number, that’s a pretty coveted thing these days. Don’t blow up their phone with multi-part text messages. If it takes more than two texts to get your point across, pick up the goddamn phone and have a 30-second conversation. For fuck sake, if your fingers work to text, they work to dial. And yes, I am occasionally just as guilty of this as anyone else. Texts are great for where are you, what time, which brand of ketchup do you want? queries, but they suck ass for dialogue. Dial. The. Phone.

Facebook Profiles

I’ve been pretty lax with this but that’s about to change. My personal Facebook profile is for my family and friends. If I haven’t met you IRL (In Real Life), do you really need to see the pics of me and my girlfriends having dinner? No. Because that’s personal and requires a certain level of intimacy. I love connecting with my readers and hearing their stories and truly respect anyone who sends me a friend request with a clarification on how I know them. Just ask one of my besties, Merredith – I’d met her at a conference and was knee deep in shit, couldn’t remember and even denied HER friend request on Facebook. Alas, I’ve also now spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas at her family’s house. I also know quite a few people who use their personal Facebook profiles for their business colleagues and communications as well. That’s fine. That’s your decision.

But the moral is this: understand what you’re doing. Think about what you’re asking when you click “Add to Friends” on Facebook. It’s a pretty big level of ask. It’s not just a button. I built a Facebook Fan Page so people could reach Erika without seeing the things that really aren’t quite their business. And the same goes for you – you probably don’t think I need to see the pictures of your daughter’s birthday party or your brand of political rants. If someone you see online offers a link to their Fan Page on their blog, but not a link to their personal profile (ahem…coughs…points), maybe there’s a reason. It’s pretty audacious to ask to be let into someone’s personal life. Just think of who you’d let inside the front door of your house – any yahoo selling magazines or the person you share three yoga classes and carpools with each week? Methinks yoga person wins out.

Relationships Are Earned

This digital access we enjoy – it makes things way too easy. With a Google search, we can find most anyone and the only way to avoid being found is to stop putting it out there. But we should never forget that relationships are earned. Just as flinging a business card at someone doesn’t mean you’ll get them as a client, seeing someone online doesn’t mean you know them. Relationships built over the social web take time and nurturing, just as with any in-person relationship. Why should anyone “be your friend” after exchanging a few blog comments or tweets? After shaking your hand at a conference? I think a good rule of thumb is this: if you’d invite the person to a dinner party where you could only have 20 guests, would you invite them? Granted, the parties are different for both business and your personal life – you have to be the one who decides the boundaries – but we only have so much bandwidth.

Use your bandwidth wisely. Take the time to bask in deeper relationships instead of skipping rock after rock across the surface of human interaction. Stop collecting people in your personal life. In my eyes, I need a select group of incredible relationships, not a plethora of mediocre ones that detract from the time I can spend on the ones I truly want to nurture.

The Desire to Connect – Go Forth and Don’t Be a Douche

We want to feel connected and now we have all of these buttons (Like, Digg, Stumble, Reddit, Add to Friends, Follow, Buy) that give the illusion of connection – but how are we truly connected? When the shit goes down (as it has on this blog), who’s going to be there and have your back? Who’s going to notice if you’re gone?

More importantly – who will YOU notice when they’re gone and reach out to help when needs must?

My readers – you – you’re the reason I get to do what I love. You make me laugh, you’ve been there when all hell’s broken loose. And many of you have come to be my friends and I hope I get to meet each of you one day. I never expected to be invited to your weddings and I don’t know your parents. I only know the persona – what you choose to share with me. And I respect that. How can we change the culture of People Collecting into one where we keep building relationships, but on different levels? I treasure that I’ve earned each of you coming back, post after post. I wouldn’t trade that for the world. But no offense – I don’t really need you to listen in while I chat with my mom, y’know?

So, you’ve been slapped. And I have, too. Enough with the over-asking and false senses of familiarity because a button says we can have it with a click. It’s time for me to rethink just clicking a button and consider what those clicks mean. I tell my clients all the time: it’s not how many fans you have on the boat – it’s how many who would jump in to save you when the shit goes down. Even the Titanic had a max capacity, y’know?

My points of contention? Let’s see:

• Random population of anyone’s “title” into the email. Total fail. Kinda like a Twitter auto DM.
• The assumption that anyone requesting a connection with me would have an answer for any question of mine.
• The assumption that their answers would be “high-quality.”
• The fact that I’m going to show you your erroneous thinking in one image.

Sometimes fields that are auto-populated are not such a good idea. After all – if Old Spice can make it personal, so can LinkedIn.

Special thanks to @jodiontheweb for her quick hand at Photoshop today.

Such is the way with asshats and defending your honor. I run into the same situation repeatedly, and this week, I’m taking aim.

I spend an inordinate amount of time hanging out and chatting with folks just like me – consultants. Small business owners. The fact that we’re not of epic proportion doesn’t mean we don’t bring value – it just means we foot the bill for our own health insurance. But there are people in my own backyard that ooze their smarm and I’m sick of it.

Check out this dude. According to his LinkedIn profile, he’s been an “expert” on LinkedIn, YouTube and Twitter since 1990.

Ummm…Yeah. Here’s the thing: YouTube was launched in 2005, LinkedIn launched in 2003 and Twitter in 2006.

He’s keyword stuffing, obviously, but it reeks of douche-tastic overtones.

This guy is in my own backyard here in Denver, Colorado. Ew, ew, ew. If you’re going to put yourself out there as a LinkedIn and social media expert, Mike – can I give you a few tips?

• Do your research and don’t establish yourself as an expert in a field before the field or platform…even existed.
• Don’t have a Twitter stream that filled with 90% broadcast-only messaging. Twitter and social media are places for conversations. Or do you charge people for that tasty nugget of knowledge?
• It’s awesome you’ve “figured out” LinkedIn and self-published a book on the subject. After reading your profile, I”m tempted to self-publish a book on the top 10 worst LinkedIn profiles with yours at the top as an example of self-indulgent keyword stuffing in bogus job fields. Fail, my good man. Fail.
• Really – you charge between $1,500 and $10,000 to show folks how to set up social media profiles, a basic WordPress blog (kinda like yours here, hosted ON WordPress.com?), and create Twitter & Facebook pages? Holy hell. Remind me to raise my prices, m’kay?

The reality is this: these people exist. How do you defend your honor against the asshats? Here are a few tips:

• References. If you’re like me and the identity of your clients is often confidential, let your prospective clients know that and offer to connect them with your clients confidentially.
• Best Practices. Follow them. Don’t be an expert – be a continual and willing student. Social media is a slippery slope and the best you can do is develop a solid knowledge base that’s going to morph (and delightfully so) with every footstep.
• Know Who You Are. You’re not going to be everything to everyone. Align yourself with those who cook what you can’t.
• Know Your Shit. In the end, only you can win a client. Clients will buy what they’re willing to be sold. I get clients day in, day out who were sold a bill of goods and then realize things aren’t working. I understand. It’s then we get to work setting them in the right direction.

There is no business that’s purely a number game. Twitter followers, Facebook fans, LinkedIn connections…they’re numbers, pure and simple. What you choose to DO with your network is one thing. How you choose to BUILD it is another. And here’s a hint – if you don’t do one of them properly, then the time you spent on the other is worth…well, jack.

PS: Check out an excellent read about competitors by @ShellyKramer – because really, Mike – I don’t want you to change a thing.

Have an outrageous Monday!

I'm keeping it separated...more sage advice from The Offspring

The circle of life is complete. LinkedIn and Twitter struck a deal this week to offer LinkedIn users the ability to have their status updates on that network tweeted. How you say? If you haven’t visited your LinkedIn profile lately, click on Edit My Profile and right under Websites, you’ll see a section where you can now add a Twitter Profile.

It’s a relationship that swings both ways.

Twitter to LinkedIn

• Include all updates from Twitter on your LinkedIn profile
• Include only those tweets with the tag #in

LinkedIn to Twitter

• Check the Twitter icon box next to your status update each time you update your LinkedIn status
• Read this FAQ from LinkedIn for more details

It sounds dirty, but I’m keeping my LinkedIn out of my Twitter.

While I don’t argue that there’s value in linking your social networks, my LinkedIn is a separate animal from any of my other social networks. It is my resume, my legacy and my history. It is my clients, past colleagues and nitpicky details. While is it laden with my snarky personality (as that is my professional persona as well), I have built it solely as a landing page for potential clients and professional connections. While some of those connections cross over into other networks, I never wanted that to be the case.

If you’re considering using LinkedIn and Twitter for cross-sharing of status updates, consider this: there are no two social networks that should be used in exactly the same way.

If you treat your LinkedIn like your Facebook, that’s not making optimal use of either platform’s potential to grow your sphere of influence.

If you treat your Twitter account like your LinkedIn profile, you’re missing the boat as well.

I’ve always felt that Twitter, when used properly, is an ongoing dialogue. It’s a conversation that changes every day yet with an overwhelming sense of familiarity if you do it right. LinkedIn isn’t built for “conversing.” It’s built for sharing professional knowledge. Aside from the Q&A sections (on which I frequently participate) and messaging/introduction features, it’s a “broadcast-only” network. Sure, you can use any number of “plugins” to share your blogs and SlideShare shows, but I’ll hold fast that it’s not really an outlet I’ll use to enhance my Twitter stream or vice versa.

I’m curious about your thoughts. Twitter’s been digging forever for monetization opportunities and it appears that partnerships and data access are the path they’ve chosen. Does the LinkedIn addition just add to the keyword-drenched spam potential through status updates? Will every tweet and status update become yet another billboard for someone’s affiliate or blog network? Hit me below with your perspective. But for now, my Twitter will be LinkedIn-free. (hallelujah, less money spent on ointment)

I see you…yes, you. You’ve followed me on Twitter, tried to friend me on Facebook, tripped across my StumbleUpon profile and pleaded us “colleagues” on LinkedIn. You’ve emailed me through both of my blogs and – to your credit – tracked down my company’s website and sent me an email at that address as well.

With an inbox full of your disjointed prose professing admiration for my wordsmithing and laced, without fail, with your enchantment by my fiery mane, you’ve poured out your heart and said that you want nothing more than to learn from me … communicate with me … emulate me … and you want to make one thing clear:

you’re not a stalker.

Of course you’re not a stalker. Why on earth would I think so? It’s merely your way of showing me how much you admire my work is all. I get that. You’ve just sought me out in every single virtual presence I maintain and attached yourself like a barnacle to my social media underside, clinging to me with an affection that’s generally reserved for small children and ponies at petting zoos and a teenager with their first set of car keys.

It’s perfectly natural for one to spew paragraphs of prose upon initiation of a virtual connection, one whose words you’ve most likely read out of context or even worse, one whose words you’ve poured through in their entirety and thus you think you “know” the writer, this object of your virtual and literary affection. I understand the strength it takes for one to sit down and craft that heartfelt masterpiece and am puzzled why I don’t quite rate a Beethovenish signature on the scale of Immortal Beloved. It seems only natural, considering you have me cornered … figured out … pegged.

You see my every word, every bookmark, and if I’ve erred, each picture posted for friends, families and the familiar to share. A single haphazard slip of the mouse and I’ve brought you into my inner sanctum, bestowing upon you the power to comment, peruse, rifle, and ultimately demand my engagement in your professed zealotry for my life and that which is “me.”

Each morning, I’m afraid to check my various electronic outlets as I know they’ll be filled by your comments, DMs, @ replies, messages and emails through my blog comment forms. You’ve scared me, fan, and I’ve no recourse except to put my foot down, reclaim my independence and push your social media stalker ass into the vat alongside Glenn Close’s bunny.

While I accept that having an online persona opens me up to people like you trying to gain access to my life, it doesn’t mean I have to allow it. Let me give you a rundown on why you are, indeed, a stalker (though you vehemently profess you’re just a fan/admirer):

Dictionary.com
stalker
(1) to go through an area(s) in search of prey or quarry
(2) to pursue obsessively and to the point of harassment

Social media has a beautiful safeguard built into it: permission. While you may follow, me I needn’t follow you. You may ask to be my friend, yet I need not reciprocate.  When someone such as yourself takes the liberties of imagined familiarity and grants yourself permission to contact me any ‘ol fucking way you please, at any hour and by any means…

you’re a stalker.

This also applies to your cousin, The Perv.

While my language is foul and ridiculous hash tags are of questionable taste to many, they are not implications of permission for you to speak to me in any way that’s less than respectful. You don’t know me, you’ve never met me, and I will block your ass and report you for abuse to any network I can faster than the epic fucktards who profess to help me make money on Twitter.

You are *not* my friend, my colleague nor even a mere acquaintance.

You are an unknown. Just as I am to you. And you freak my shit out.

Yet by your exhaustive process of “latching on,” you feel like you know me. My friends. My inner circle.

And you don’t.

You’ve gone straight from “fan” to dumbass by assuming that I appreciate your fanaticism and by thinking that, since I didn’t reply to your first 3 Facebook messages, it must be something wrong with Facebook.

But there’s not.

There’s something wrong with you.

Me? I’m a chick residing somewhere in the Rocky Mountain Region with a few thousand followers on Twitter, a couple hundred friends on Facebook and two blogs that beg debate on a variety of topics. I’m by no means all that and a bag of Boulder Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar potato chips. If you were remotely in the same fucking time zone as me, I’d slap a restraining order on you. But you assume that, based on the anonymity of the Internet, you’re entitled to horn your way into my life and force your desire to communicate on me.

Well, that’s horsehit.

As this blog is being written, I am parsing my Facebook friends and unfriending anyone whom does not “fit the bill.” I’m sure there will be more purging to come. I used to connect indiscriminately and I’ve learned my lesson. Those who ask me to connect now must indicate how they know me and I don’t give  a shit if they get pissed by my asking. It’s my life circus and if I want you to jump through hoops and sing Yankee-fucking-Doodle-Dandy, you’ll sing it.

It’s a challenge, I tell you — the process of trying to decide what to make public and what to keep private. Each day, I get better at the process and I have the pushy stalkers like yourself to thank. In an Internet age where newborns seem shat from the womb with a pre-programmed knowledge of the iPhone, it’s easy to find anyone through the wonders of technology.

Anywhere.

Anytime.

But I don’t have to communicate with you when you *do* find me.

Social media is permission-based interaction. I don’t give you permission to communicate with me.

When you take sex without permission, it’s called rape.

When you take belongings without permission, it’s called theft.

When you force yourself and/or your ideas onto an unwilling party, it’s called harassment.

If I were a celebrity (and thank all that’s chocolate I’m not), I’d have a publicist to deal with the jackassery that is you. Until I make my millions and I’m the flavor of the week on a Perez Hilton rant, I’ll continue to block you, delete your messages and keep you away from all that’s dear to me.

Why?

Because my life is my circus. I don’t need three-headed midgets like you running around and ass-raping the clowns.

They’re my goddamn clowns. Stay the fuck away from them, stalker (see part 2 of the definition above).

Sincerely,

The Redhead

Most of my blogs stem from personal experience. Yesterday, it was an unprovoked, out-of-context lashing-out from a follower.

It pissed me off. For a moment, at least. Then it inspired this blog.

I’m exhausted with the blind pretension and (wrongly) implied panoptic permission that stems from the perceived anonymity that accompanies social media and other forms of electronic communications these days. We have the glorious conveniences of texts, DMs (direct messages), Facebook messages and emails and somewhere along the line, there’s a herd that’s emerged who’s forgotten there are people on the other end of their words and responses.

Just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean that I don’t understand you’re a person with a story.

Think about that for a moment: everyone you chit-chat with in the electronic medium is a living, breathing soul. Alongside that comes hopes, dreams, thoughts, feelings and experiences unparalleled by others.

And sometimes there are douchebags.

Yesterday I told a poop joke on Twitter. (collective gasp – no, Erika…not YOU!)

Yeah, me. A friend sent me a stupid joke via email and I read it and laughed. I mean, poop jokes never really get old. Everybody poops. I posted the joke on Twitter, generating the anticipated groans,  snorts and follow-up jokes in the same vein.

Here’s the joke: Why don’t blind people sky dive? Because it scares the poop out of their dogs.

And then I got bitch-slapped from behind.

A follower wrote: “yeah hysterical.. now let’s tell jokes about African Americans and watermelons.”

(blink-blink)

You’re kidding me, right? I made a poop joke and now this person’s entitled to align me with a racist stereotype?

After much reiteration that it was a joke (JOKE – check it out) and the same user’s insistence that I take a class on people with disabilities (for realz), I blocked the user. No ifs, ands or buts. I cared not to expend any more of my bandwidth on the meaningless exchange.

Action regretted? No. My prerogative? Hell yes.

Here’s the skinny: it comes down to context.

All too often in written conversations, there’s the ability for things to be taken out of context. We don’t have the benefit of personal knowledge for many/most that comprise our network in the online space, and if a phrase is absent one of a myriad of “emoticons” to denote intended inflection and tone, we’re screwed.

What did they mean?

Sit down, shut up and ASK. Get the context. When you jump into the middle of someone else’s conversation that’s not directed at you (and didn’t even originate with you), you’re not entitled to horn-in on the offensive just because you can SEE certain words. Doing shit like that at a bar would have your ass kicked right and proper. At the office, it would have you labeled a “nosey neighbor” and ostracized from the watercooler gossip games. The anonymity that accompanies online communications doesn’t grant anyone the right to say whatever the hell it is they want.

It grants the privilege to engage in conversations, meet others and share ideas.

Yesterday, I wasn’t even granted the courtesy of an inquiry into my intention behind the joke (intention being – I laughed at a poop joke). I was lambasted with a comment aligning my puerile joke with a racial slur and caught completely off guard by someone who has previously NEVER interacted with me and I never them (and if I ever had, it’s long since been forgotten). Now, I don’t know this person’s story either – perhaps jokes about dogs pooping mid-air when jumping out of airplanes resonate and hit a nerve. Maybe they also give high marks to bank tellers and airline counter agents. However, had they made an inquiry into MY story instead of launching their racially-laden tweet bomb, here’s what they might have discovered:

I, @RedheadWriting, the Foul-Mouthed Lass, F-Bomb Aficionado, and She Sans Filter – am the last person who needs to take a class with regards to persons with disabilities and those differently-abled. While acerbic in wit, I am essentially soft at heart. I give because it hurts more to not give and I feel it’s my obligation while I walk six feet up (OK – 5′4″) to help others in whatever way I can.

• I live each day with an autistic nephew and my heart fills with admiration when I look at my sister and her family on how they cope, grow and revel in victories as they travel through his development. Having experienced the days where I couldn’t even touch him to those now when he comes up and gives me a willing hug…it’s a testament to the fact that I believe those labeled as “disabled” are merely “differently abled.”
• Last week, I dedicated a day of my Twitter existence to raising money to support autism research. (special thanks goes to @iamthechad, @m1nd7r1p, @poolboydeluxe, @bradwerntz, @canoelover and others who kindly made donations to the autism-focused charity of their choice)
• In 2008, I dedicated a year of my life to founding and operating my own 501(c)(3) organization called “Woman on Top: because there’s more to climb than the corporate ladder.” My year was dedicated to assembling a group of climbers to raise money throughout the year to support the Foundation for Positively Kids, a Nevada nonprofit organization dedicated to building the first inpatient skilled pediatric nursing facility in the state. We climbed Kilimanjaro for the cause – 4 women and one very brave, estrogen-suffocated man. We summited on September 26, 2009. It was exhausting – both running/financing the non-profit and making the journey – but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Thank you @unlaced (Meghan), Amy, Cindiman and Brandon for making the journey with me.

So before you attack – ASK. Become familiar before you point the finger. There are always going to be the folk who act like asses regardless of the environment – online or otherwise. They’re also likely the ones who place more value in contention than in collaboration. Screw ‘em – but try to not be one of them. The recipients of your literary javelins that you hurl into cyberspace – they’ve got stories of their own. You’re not always going to please everyone and there’s nothing wrong with requesting clarification and then taking a calculated stand – but there’s no reason to be a douchebag.

Some parting thoughts from The Redhead:

• Retaliatory and rash actions aren’t accepted in business. Ever. Why would you use them online?
• A keyboard and screen don’t make you anonymous. They merely obscure – and temporarily at that.
• Words are telling – how you choose to use them, even more so.