And I’m acknowledging that the men reading this post right now either have a hard on or are utterly repulsed by my most prominent childhood memories.

I also remember the day I got my first email address. It was 1998 – I’d just fallen in love with the man who would become my second husband. An entirely lovely man named Scot – a Naval officer stationed in Japan. He was headed back to Japan and I wanted a way to stay in touch. He suggested email.

Email? Shit. I didn’t really know what it was. So I called my mom and asked her: How do I get an email address? PRESTO! My mother to the rescue (she’s a career senior systems analyst and has built every computer I’ve ever owned up until I defected to The Dark Side aka Apple products in 2010). I was set up with a Hotmail address in no time and was communicating over thousands of miles with the man I loved. Sickeningly sweet, yet needs must and this was my first foray into the digital communication age.

Hello, 2012

Today, I live in a digital world. I’m tethered to  , plugged into Twitter and Facebook. I think Path’s UI is so sexy that I’d be willing to give it a handjob if it were remotely possible. I’ve got folks on LinkedIn, three email accounts, and a PO box that only gets the good stuff: checks from clients and my subscriptions to Rolling Stone and Entrepreneur Magazines.

Back in December, I took issue with the way a few of my friends (actual friends – not imagines digital ones) were conducting discourse on my personal Facebook profile. That incident led to a jettisoning of over 240 people from my “friends” list. And this week, my friend Merredith and readers Annie and Brian from my Facebook fan page have reinforced something I’ve been feeling for quite some time: through all of this digital communication, we’re breeding a culture of lazy and rude.

And it’s time for a slap.

It’s Apalling

The way we communicate these days – and the vehicles we choose to deliver certain messages even moreso. Back when I published the post that got Facebook to rate-limit my hosting company aka Is Facebook Hiding Your Messages? , the comments section was filled with tales from people who had received Facebook messages informing them that a relative or friend had died. Just yesterday, a long-time reader shared that his two-year girlfriend decided that a Facebook message was the most appropriate way to break-up with him (and I know that’s not the first time).

Fucking seriously?

While I understand that we all don’t have everyone’s phone number, there are certain events in this life that warrant a bit more emotional commitment (and balls, quite frankly) to deliver than a Facebook message. Or even a text for that matter. Jesus on toast – where do I begin with the text messaging?

The Wall Our Fingers Built

What better excuse have we as a culture had to unplug from the emotional aspects of human interaction than the rise of text messaging? While inarguably convenient for sharing short, concise messages, I’ll just offer this example for the complete detachment of onus – thanks to text messaging.

Back in November and December, I’d gone on a few dates with someone whose company I enjoyed. Fun, intelligent, attractive – yet seemingly completely incapable (or unwilling) to pick up the phone. The day after a rather awkward lunch date where I felt like I’d been crammed into an opening in his schedule as opposed to someone that was a pleasure to make time for (it ended up being my birthday, coincidentally), I received a three-window text message from him explaining that he thinks I’m swell but just not what he’s looking for in a relationship but he’d be more than happy to accompany me as a date to any professional functions I might need to attend that I felt might interest him (blah-blah-blah).

First off, there’s no arguing that we shared the same sentiment.

Secondly, it took him three windows on my iPhone to explain this to me.

Third, that text was sent to my phone number.

Finally, we won’t go into the skewed logic that given this display of failure to engage that I would even consider him as someone with whom I’d care to present as some sort of partner in public – but hey…thanks for taking pity on a single gal.

When did we forget that there are human beings on the other end of the messages that our fingers so furiously type on impossibly small screens on device with capabilities of similar impossibilities?

I feel that a significant portion of what’s going wrong in this world is a byproduct of what we’ve come to accept as acceptable in the realm of communication.

I’m Growing Detachment in My Digital Laboratory – Care to Step Inside?

There’s an exchange from a favorite feel-good movie of mine, You’ve Got Mail, that sums it up best.

Joe Fox: It wasn’t… personal.

Kathleen Kelly: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s personal to a lot of people. And what’s so wrong with being personal, anyway?

Joe Fox: Uh, nothing.

Kathleen Kelly: Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.

Personal. Communication between human beings – especially between ones whom we consider friends, lovers, and treasured colleagues – used to be overwhelmingly personal. Folks had to sit down and write letters. Pick up the phone. God forbid, drop by a friend’s house with a bottle of scotch or a bundt cake when the shit had really hit the fan. Our current age of digital communication has somehow granted permission (and falsely) for us to treat everyone with the same casual disregard and borderline contempt as the jackass on the sidewalk in front of us who doesn’t understand that we’re trying to get somewhere and can’t seem to step it up a notch.

And that’s no way to treat people.

We’re continuously cultivating a garden of detachment through all of these digital means of communication. We’ve become entirely lazy when it comes to the emotional commitment it takes to cultivate relationships (of any sort) and instead, accepted that sending a text/email/Facebook message is an appropriate way to develop a connection – and at our worst, unplug completely.

What happened to the adolescent anticipation we felt waiting for the phone to ring? Where did we lose the excitement we felt when we saw the flag down on the mailbox which told us we could run outside to see what stamped-and-canceled treasures lay inside? But more importantly, what happened to the stark honesty it takes to use our voices and share what needs sharing – over the phone or (god forbid) in person?

So Let’s Talk About Facebook For a Moment, Shall We?

It’s an election year. Lines have been drawn in the sand and friends and foes alike aren’t too ashamed of spouting off on what they think and feel. But when did Facebook’s invitation to Write something become license for assholian behavior of incomprehensible levels?

I’ll say that it has a lot to do with the total perversion of our collective definition of “friend.”

On my Facebook fan page and blog comments alike – I have but one rule: you can say whatever you feel needs saying and in the vernacular of your choice, but you will do it with respect, goddammit.

And we need a severe infusion of Aretha Franklin up in this joint, because R-E-S-P-E-C-T has gone right out the window by and large in the Land of Facebook.

The Land of Facebook isn’t some mythical place where we can say whatever the fuck we want on other people’s walls without consequence. Facebook is a tool that supposed to help us develop relationships with more people than we ever thought possible. And there’s a reason that our connections on our personal pages are called “friends.” We’ve forgotten that the audience on Facebook is vast – and that most of the time when interacting with friends, we’re putting our thoughts up for review to their audience not ours. Stop and think for one frog’s fine ass hair-sized moment whether you’re acting like a dick.

Facebook doesn’t offer anyone a cloak of invisibility. Start conducting yourself as if the people who were seeing the shit you post and spew were standing right in front of you – and were able to throttle you (or even hug you). There is nothing I post on my personal OR fan page that I wouldn’t say live – and that’s because that while RedheadWriting might be part persona, I know that people keep coming back to read for the person behind her.

There’s a person behind every word you see on Facebook. Including you. And there’s no excuse for the lack of respect that’s plaguing the walls and pages across this great digital tool that’s supposed to fun – yet as of late, has become exhausting for many.

And So We Come Back to Humans…

We’re breeding this culture of lazy and rude – each of us play a role. We continue the email thread, we reply to the text message, we drop what we’re doing to reply to a Facebook thread when we should be doing shit that runs our respective businesses. We type things with knee-jerk reactions, we use language we wouldn’t use in front of someone we respect and love, and we think that people don’t have a right to be heard because we’re the letter of the law and can’t possibly be bothered with ideas other than our own.

We stare at our phones with contempt when they have the fucking audacity to ring.

What happened to the humans in all of this?

I’ve been smacked down by friends on more than one occasion for using a digital crutch to communicate – especially when the device also acted as a phone. And so today, I’m passing that smack on to you.

Things should begin by being personal – whatever they are. As even the smallest business decisions elicit an emotional response. I’ll speculate that there’s a special circle of hell that Dante would allocate to those who feel that digital communication is the best way to break up with a lover, end a business relationship, or otherwise take an arm’s length distance from the message that needs conveying.

I understand that we all communicate differently. I’m a writer, for fuck sake – this post is nearly 1900 words. Digital communication allows us to be extremely efficient in many cases and we’re endlessly frustrated when the batteries in our phones and laptops die, putting a crimp in our nonstop pursuit of productivity.

But never forget – with all of the blessings and mind-blowing innovations of digital technology that humans eventually run out of batteries, too.

And wouldn’t it be especially splendid if, when that time came, we felt that we’d used our own batteries to plug into the people who matter most in our lives with every ounce of energy we had, instead of being lazy and letting technology create our memories for us?

You’ve been slapped.

Of course it is. People buy into extremes. Brands commit, and that’s where RedheadWriting comes from. It’s my alter ego that slinks off to the Bat Cave and gets shithoused at the bar while Alfred’s working on the Bat Mobile. It’s 80% me and 20% titanium balls…a devil-may-care version of a 5’3” redhead who, in all actuality, cares quite a bit about the people in her life. It’s also a defense mechanism – a protective outer coating. The chocolate on my Ding Dong. No one in his right mind would send a Ding Dong to market without that coating. It’d get beat to shit in 3 swings of the lunch box flat.

Enter, The Persona – the protective chocolate coating for public souls worldwide.

So what can Personas do that The Person can’t (or shouldn’t)?

Our brains like to conjure up retort after retort. We talk in the car, in the shower, in front of mirrors and to friends and colleagues about all the things we wish we could say if we had the balls. Enter the 20% of The Persona (remember? Titanium balls). Persona’s got balls covered. So, for every 10 shitty things we think of saying, The Persona says all 10.

The Person is more 9 out of 10. And here’s where we commence slapping.

I’m as guilty as the next person of taking snark one step too far. Ranting. My persona flies off the motherfucking handle like Ari on Entourage. But when it comes to my personal life, which includes every interaction outside of my Persona, I try to err on the side of leaving that one shitty thing left unsaid. Some days I succeed. Others, I fail miserably. But I do try.

And maybe I’m killing whatever illusion you had of my Persona – and that’s okay. Everyone has some level of illusion they conjure to protect them from the world knowing 100% of their shit. When you put yourself out there, you have to hold something back for yourself and the people dear to you. But before you get sideways that there’s a gal behind the curtain making the Big Red Head talk, think about your own Persona for a moment. What do you share? How do you share it? What makes you feel safe? Pot, meet kettle. You do the same thing. And it’s not about not being “authentic” (which I have no fucking idea what that means anyways). It’s about saying – Hey, I’m here, but here’s what you get. This stuff? It’s mine. Why? Because you haven’t earned a place in my life to share those things with me, just like I ain’t coming to your house for Christmas, ‘aight?

Personas can go to item #10 safely. But having been a person that used to always have to have the last word, to win, to conquer…I can say it’s a better life erring more toward the 9s. Having watched every season of Entourage, everyone fell in love with Ari Gold. I’ll say it: he made angry sexy. And he always went to #10. We all wished we had the balls to say what he said, and we cringed/laughed/felt embarrassed every time he long jumped over 9 and took the game-winning (and in many cases, losing) shot.

And it’s also why in the final season, he became human to us. Because we saw a man who stepped out of his Persona and left #10 alone and instead, started to say the things he should have been saying all along and to the people who mattered most.

This entire post was inspired by an email I received last night and couldn’t find the words to respond with until an hour or so ago. Filled with apologies and words I know to be sincere, it was from someone who always went to #10. And I’m here to tell you – #10s hurt. They make you doubt and lose faith in yourself; they make someone else’s issues your responsibility. They quickly turn what could have been love into remorse and take things that you wanted to remember as beautiful and tarnish them. Someone feels like they win. The Person on the receiving end loses. And neither of you are any better off than before #10 flew through the air.

Maybe Meatloaf’s math is better with the whole two out of three thing, yet I know my mind doesn’t work that way. My brain runs at 203MPH from the moment I get up until the moment I can convince myself to go to sleep (and god help me if I wake up in the middle of the night). And the 9 out of 10 rule serves me well.

I don’t argue, if nothing good’s going to come of it (and for all parties involved).

I certainly don’t fight anymore, unless it’s for something that I believe in. Life’s filled with small shit that we can waste our time bickering about or we can save that energy for the big shit (which is where we’ll need the extra energy anyways).

And when #10 flies every now and then, I still feel like shit. Because I remember how it felt when someone hit me with #10.

So, yeah.  I slap myself, having been on the receiving end of some #10s over the past few months. Maybe you know what it feels like. The next time you see The Redhead take it to #10, it’s the Persona talking – the one people say, “Oh, I wish I could say that!” about, when in actuality, you really don’t. Just like Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail – the one time you get the gumption to say what you really, really think (and not in a nice way)… it’s probably about the same time you wish you could eat those words like a bowl of fucking tortilla chips and RoTel queso dip at a Superbowl party.

Having the upper hand? Doesn’t win you anything most times.

Saying that shitty little thing that creeps in? That should leave you feeling shitty after the words are spent.

And sometimes, the most compassionate thing we can do – for others and ourselves – is to find a way to be more Ari in the series finale than Ari first-season.  And if you’ve never seen an episode of Entourage in your life, just go with the 9 out of 10 rule. Some days – the days where you feel less like the guy on the Wheaties box and more like the box – shoot for 3 out of 10. While I promised myself I’d never leave unsaid things I felt needed saying after losing Jason last year, we could all use a lesson on dialing back the snark and turning up the soul.

Or maybe I’m an idiot and that’s just me – if you’ve got this mortal coil all figured out, hats off to ya. I just feel pretty lucky every day where I can go to bed knowing that I did good work, spoke from my convictions and learned something in the process.

Carry on. Smartly.

Today, money’s role in my life is more akin to cherry blossoms – a lovely product of the business I’ve built, and there will no doubt be more if I continue to feed and nurture said business. It gives me the means to take care of Me, take care of the people I love and share it with those who need it more than I ever will…and occasionally just blow it on something ridiculously fun that leaves a smile on my face for days*.

* not hookers

On any given day, we are both the consumer and purchaser – there’s no way around it. While money’s the accepted currency for payment, there’s a role we don’t ordinarily talk about: being a vendor. I’m a vendor, you’re a vendor, he’s a vendor, she’s a vendor – wouldn’t you like to be a vendor, too? (and dammit, I love me some Diet Dr. Pepper) Accepting our roles as vendors, I think, is a higher level of responsibility for a business owner than just being someone who expects to get paid. So today, I thought I’d run down some things that can help business people to become better vendors and elevate their business practices to ones that operate with unquestionable integrity.

Deal with your HR and administrative shit

Do you have a W9 on file for every contractor and employee? Are you set up to pay your quarterly taxes? Do you have all of the required business licenses to operate in your county, city and state? Are you filings up to date with the Secretary of State’s office? When you let these things slide, it snowballs. Any prospective client should be able to look up your business entity and verify its validity and skipping out on your taxes is not only a total asshat move, it puts undue financial burden on your company. As someone who recently had a vendor share cash flow woes they blamed on a shitty CPA, which were apparently affecting their ability to pay my invoices on time, this is bullshit. Deal, because poor planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on anyone else’s.

Get an invoicing program (I personally use GetHarvest, but Freshbooks is also a raging favorite with other small businesses), track your expenses and receipts MONTHLY and not in some hurried panic at year-end where you’re crapping kittens at the eleventh hour on April 14th and start acting like you own the legit business you claim to operate. Deal with your admin shit.

Don’t go down-periscope

We can all get better at this. Here’s the poop: we are all busy. But as a business owner, you are never too busy to respond to someone who has reached out to you. This goes for new business inquiries, simple client relations moves and (inhales deeply) all financial matters. Nothing pisses me off more than when an invoice sits hanging in the ether with a symphony of crickets attempting to lull me to sleep.

If you go down-periscope on me, I will hunt you down. It is a total dick move to enter into an agreement and have someone perform the work you requested and then not see fit to respond to emails or offer lame excuses when you can get around to them. It’s also a dick move to delay a project because you don’t have your shit together. I would rather hear that you own it – you totally dropped the ball or your cash flow is hosed or your pet hamster gnawed your goddamn checkbook to shreds – I don’t care. The moral is, I want to hear it from you and in a timely fashion.

Make the move to communicate and for all that is holy, do NOT fuck with other people’s money. It is inordinately rude and disrespectful to think that I – or the person that you’ve hired to do a job – does not have bills to pay and mouths to feed just like you. And know that this is coming from someone today who realized over the weekend that she had not paid her attorney’s bill for her latest contract revisions (yeah, the ones that help me get paid and legally protected). He will receive an email today, including a check number that’s in the mail, with the explanation that I’m an idiot and spaced it.

Ask for help

I think that we all have the tendency to operate in Can’t You Read My Mind? land all too often. We assume that our clients work the same way we do and their terms are the same as ours. Ask your clients and your vendors for help.

Some questions and things to ask of and share with new vendors:

• Is there anything you need from me administratively prior to commencing work? Vendor agreements, W9s, NDAs or the like?
• My billing/payment terms are _______. Do you agree to those terms?
• I have a standard contract for services. We can’t commence until that’s mutually signed and on file.
  • If you don’t have one of these, please refer to this video. Jesus.
• Do you have any questions about the contract?
• How do you prefer communications: phone or email?

Stop thinking that the people with whom you do business can read your mind. Because they can’t. Nor will they ever be able.

Communicate

This goes back to the whole down-periscope pet peeve, but one thing I’m proud of with my business is the openness of my dealings between contractors and clients. They are bcc’d on billing inquiries when that inquiry affects their cash flow. They are asked how they prefer to be paid. I explain what’s going on with every account and they are brought to meetings as required. I give them a lot of leeway to accomplish their tasks and in return, I ask for work that is the same quality I myself would produce.

On the other side of the equation, I never glaze over a client’s question. If they become excessive outside a scope of work, I explain that we’re entering Consultingville and we should schedule a session as 73 two-line emails isn’t a way around paying for an hour of my time. I reach out when there is no reason other than to say hello or pass on a cool article and I make sure that their life events, such as a new baby, marriage, loss, business expansion and the like never go unnoticed.

Communication isn’t about what you say. Rather, it’s about what you don’t. Silence is telling and we can all tell the difference between radio silence (bad) and I’m here if you need me – hope all is well.

***

So that’s my list on how to be a better vendor. I’d love to hear what you have to add, as most of these ideas came from the comments on 19 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Started My Business. Now go forth, leave the asshat business behavior behind and do good business. There’s no better compliment to receive than, “I really appreciate working with you, because you make doing business a pleasure.”

And it was very quiet.

I have two three-year-old dogs. Hippopotamus (55 lbs) and Penelope (12 lbs) have free run of the house and I leave the back door open so they can do what they will. When they’re quiet, it freaks me out.

I got up from my office chair and walked out into the living room to find Big Dog and Small Dog on the cream-colored mid-century modern vintage sofa with a organeish-pink smear in front of them. They’d scored a cup of sweet and sour sauce. <insert expletive here>

Today’s blog is sponsored by Shout and one of these. Thank god for polyester blend upholstery.

Silence. It’s the number one sign that trouble is brewing in your business. We bitch and moan about our inboxes filling up and incessant phone calls, but here it is: that deafening silence? A sure-fire bet that you’re about to be hosed. When the clients stop asking questions, when the new business inquiries stop coming in, it’s likely a function of something you’ve done.

Or more importantly, not done.

And to some extent, we’re all a bit afraid of the phone ringing and emails pouring in, because they we have to figure out how to deal with the noise. I’m no different – there’s an Oh Shit factor attached to every one of my communication devices. But here are some ways I’ve come to welcome and deal with the noise, because the longer I deal with it, the more it begins to sound like a killer Etta James tune than a jackhammer outside my window:

• Flag Football: There’s a flag football game going on in my inbox. If I can’t get back to something immediately, I flag it with the goal that I don’t close the computer for the day until I deal with my flags. And while sometimes that doesn’t happen, I can sort my inbox by flagged items at any time and see where I can eat crow and get back to people ASAP.
• Program Your Phone: I try to get every one of my client phone numbers into my cell phone as soon as possible. Why? Because sometimes I have to ignore a call and I’m diligent about returning calls. Know who’s calling. Call them back. This keeps the phone ringing and also makes use of valuable car time. On the road? Call a client to touch base. Say hello. It’s the human side of your relationships (and the side that is often the most fun).
• Get Help: Dear business owner – You cannot do this alone. How many times do I have to say this? Amber Naslund had a great post earlier this week about email management and I admitted that I sucked. One of my followers contacted me that she’s a wiz with organization systems. BAM. You’re hired. She logs into my computer via LogMeIn when I’m offline for the evening and is getting me sorted out. There are a lot of things that I outsource so that I can pay attention to the parts of my business that keep business rolling in. And yes, they cost money. But it’s a small price to pay for sleeping at night, going to the gym in the morning and having ME at my beck and call 24/7.
• Manage the Asks: I met up with my colleague Doyle Albee earlier this week and he talked about The Levels of Ask. (And my friend, I can’t remember the blogger you mentioned who pioneered the concept, but weigh in down below if you can.) Lots of people will ask for your time. Favors. Access to your connections. Resources. You have to weigh these asks and sometimes, the asks are out of whack with the relationship level. For instance: if you’ve just met or have never met me and want to take me to lunch…that’s a HUGE ask. That’s time and intellectually intensive. However, if you drop me a two-line email with a simple question, I’m probably going to respond even though I’ve never met you. Different level of ask. You can’t give your time to everyone though everyone (quite simply) deserves it, so managing the asks will help you feel less shortchanged and make you, ultimately, more helpful. And some people just don’t know how much of your time they’re asking for. What seems small to them (coffee/lunch) might be a huge ask in your eyes.

There are times I love silence at they are usually ones that come when I’ve closed the MacBook and I get to pay attention to The Real World. But that’s my personal time. Silence in my business? Never a good thing. It means you’ve left something on the counter in Big Dog’s reach and you’re about to walk out and find a hot mess on your sofa. Polyester blend upholstery or not, cleaning it up is a bitch. Do what you can to keep momentum. Keep the noise coming. And soon enough, you’ll hear the rhythm in the chaos. It’s soothing, I assure you.

Could I buy you coffee?

Would you guest post for me?

May I guest post for you?

We’d like to get your opinion on…

What do you use for…

Would you teach me how to… ?

The past several days, I’ve been reminded of an important question we all face each day in our business lives: what do we give away and what costs money? Chris Brogan covered it last year in The Audacity of Free and Gabriella Sannino broached it again in a post today about social media ROI. Today, I’m going to try to break down this pervasive question into one simple thought: strategy.

Why Do We Give Things Away For Free?

I’ll dispell the myth now: 90% of the time, it isn’t out of the goodness in our hearts filled with unicorns and rainbows. It’s because we’re looking to add people to The Funnel. Now, The Funnel varies depending on your business. Perhaps you want email addresses for a mailing list. More RSS subscribers. More Twitter followers or Facebook Fans. But the bottom line of it is we are all selling something and it’s pretty shitty to hate us for it.

Giving things away gets people’s attention and it might get them in your circle, but you’d better have a strategy behind what you’re going to do with them once you get them there. And I’m exhausted with the begging and bitching. Stop asking people who work for a living (just like you) to give you something for nothing. We’re all giving something away. Me? I give away copies of books. iPod Touches. VISA gift cards. Seats to PAID webinars I’m teaching. Why do I do this? As a thank you. To get some new eyes on my site. But I know WHY I’m doing it. If you’re giving something away for free, here four hard truths you better own – we’re all hookers and hookers don’t rent fishnet stockings.

• People will complain that what you’re giving away isn’t enough.
  • Appropriate Response: Shut up. It’s free.
• If you run a contest, people will complain about not winning.
  • Appropriate Response: Ummm…call Publisher’s Clearing House. If they give in, I’ll give in.
• If you’re looking for something for free, you’re going to get a lot of 36,000 foot view information mixed with some 5,000 foot view gems. If you want ground level insight, that shit costs money.
• If you give something away for free, you need to compel people to return to your site/you/your business. It’s not a hit and run technique. It’s relationship building. Free was just what got them in the door.

Sometimes Free Costs You

I occasionally guest post on outlets like Copyblogger. Why? Aside from having been a long-time reader, they have kickass site traffic. I can get new readers and reach thousands of people who aren’t on Redhead Writing’s radar in a single post. And I do it for free. That’s my trade off. It costs me time an intellectual property.It’s an opportunity cost I’m willing to bear. And I’ll keep doing it as long as they’ll have me because not only are Brian and Sonia pretty kickass human beings, I can justify the expense.

But free can cost you.

There are those coffee meetings. The “pick your brain” sessions. The new client courting processes. I have new rules for anyone who wants to buy me a cup of coffee that I don’t already know. I’ll find the time to met with anyone if you tell me in advance (1) what your agenda is for our meeting and (2) why I’m the one you want to discuss it with. I think that’s common courtesy. And I have a certain approach I take with new clients as well.

We’ve all walked away from coffee meetings thinking, “Holy balls – that’s an hour of my life I can’t get back.” We’ve all been three months into a prospect only to realize we’ve just spent about $2,500 on earning business we haven’t closed yet. Both are bullshit.

It’s up to you to put the hammer down on free things that cost you. Just like there’s no crying in baseball (except opening day always leaves me a little weepy). People who want to pick your brain are asking for something for free. You have to be in control of what you’re willing to give as well as have the cajones to explain to people:

• It’s awesome that you see me as a credible resource. That’s why I offer consulting services. This is my business and if we’re going to proceed, it’s probably smart for us to get a scope of the project put in place so we can hold one another accountable.
• While you think you’re buying me coffee, a $5 chai isn’t proper (repeated) compensation for my time.

Your clients aren’t in business for free. Neither are you.

Strategy: It’s What’s For Breakfast

It should actually be every meal of your business day. Sit down today and consider what you’re giving away for free, why and what it’s REALLY costing you. If you’re on the hunt for free, understand that it’s going to be a lot of general mixed with few specifics and in order to get more, you have to pay. There’s nothing wrong with running a business and earning a living and the people who want you to give away more are much more concerned about their bottom line than yours.

“It’s inconceivable to me that anyone continues to read your drudge. Vulgar language is confused for wit, a little-girl-lost routine mistaken for relevancy and a column named after a violent gesture that I can only guess you feel is tough love. Do you think you’re setting a good example? I’m here to speak for all those who won’t and tell you you’re not. You’re a very bad example. Bad for businesspeople who take what they do seriously. Bad for anyone who comes looking to learn just to get smacked down. Bad for college students who think you hold some sort of key to success in the real world. Do us a favor and quit while you’re behind. We could use fewer bad examples cluttering up the airways.”

The above is the verbatim text of an email that landed in my inbox on late Saturday evening via my website’s contact form. The email address was, naturally, invalid, but the words very real.

You’re a very bad example.

And so I got to thinking – maybe this person is right. Am I?

Yeah. I am.

What kind of fucked-up realization is that to come to over a weekend? Six different kinds of fucked with a side of bacon, that’s what that is. So I sat down and put together all of the ways I’m a bad example. Apparently, it’s time to clean-up my act.

I’m a bad example of a business owner. In less than two years, I went from being an investor in a startup to dead broke to having multiple contractors and making a six-figure salary. My taxes are current, I hold all of the proper business licenses for my locale and I just hired a payroll company, a new CPA and a bookkeeper. I have no idea why I bother with all of this when it would be so much easier to go back to the way things were, a predictable paycheck every week from a job I don’t enjoy where I get paid less to do what I’m able to do for full-rate.

I’m a bad example of good advertising. Why? Because I don’t do any. If I had the balls to go out and post some ads, maybe I wouldn’t have to rely on the fact that 80% of my business comes from referrals from happy clients and agencies and the other 20% comes from direct inquiry over the contact form on my website.

I’m a bad example of successful relationships. Two divorces, an ex-fiancé and some other relationships that didn’t end with my hair tumbling out of a tower so Prince Charming could climb on up. At 38, it becomes more clear to me each and every day who and what I want and consider myself blessed to have found three men in my life who I wanted to give a go at forever with. And the best gift of my 37^th year? Seeing that what I thought was love was a very bad example of it and in its wake, discovering what it truly looks (and feels) like.

I’m a bad example of how to build an audience. Since the launch of RedheadWriting in its first incarnation in 2006, I’ve not only put the blog through massive changes in look, feel and tone, but I’ve found a voice that rings true. When I write, it’s me, not what I think people want to read. My readers call me out on it when I phone it in and there’s no mistaking that this is a place that anyone can voice their opinions. In other words, I’m a really horrible example of what happens when a writer listens to her readers, appreciates what THEY bring to the table and realizes each day that she wouldn’t be able to do what she loves without them.

I’m a bad example of literary prowess. There are legions of people who would never dare eke an f-bomb, and y’know what? I don’t think the f-bomb is funny. I think it IS. It’s a part of who I am, how I speak and sometimes there are times in life where there’s nothing you can really say except “fuck.” It’s like the lame attempt to dub a CeLo Green song into “Forget You.” It just ain’t the same. Some might think it’s lazy, but I know fancy words like philander and fornicate are just pulling punches when you need the bling-bling an f-gem.

I’m a bad example of a good student. I’m what happens to National Honor Society, Who’s Who Among American High School Students and high school and college honor graduates when they don’t get the right job. I piss away a college education, only to become a business owner and (heavy) taxpayer who provides jobs in a challenging economy. That, my friends, is The Suck, and a frightening example of what can happen to a good student.

I’m a bad example of being happy. Everyone knows that in order to be happy, you have to be like everyone else. You have to fit in and do what everyone else is doing. I went astray somewhere and decided that the motion sickness I was getting from riding that train wasn’t worth it. So I got off. Funny thing is, that train I was on wasn’t bound for Happyville. It was bound for someone else’s destination. It sucks to wake up every morning and realize again and again that you’re living your dream. That is, one that YOU were meant to live. I might have days where I am truly a “little girl lost,” but those days are becoming fewer and I always see a way out. Learning to live with them and understanding they are the exception as opposed to the rule? Pretty damn nifty. I guess most people are unhappy since I’m a bad example of happiness.

And finally…

I’m a bad example of what can happen to you. You should be frightened. Scared out of your drawers, actually. You could end up like me. One day, you could wake up and realize that everything in life you’ve ever wanted is within your grasp. That happiness isn’t dependent on people, things or geography. It’s not about the car you drive or the money in the bank. It’s completely terrifying to think that you’re the one who controls how you journey through life, because it’s easier to blame other people for the shit that rolls down your hill.  Life’s pretty shitty when you finally realize that you’re accountable for your actions and when you step up to slap others for their potential missteps, that you’d best have slapped yourself first. Each day, you could commit to compassion and try to help someone new or you could just push along in your every-man-for-himself routine and step on as many as you can on the way to the top.

But here’s the thing: there’s nothing waiting at the top because you’ve pushed everyone else off the ladder.

So, dear Anonymous Reader who said I was a bad example…I think you’re right. Lock up the women and children because I’m here to corrupt this bitch of a thing we call Life. And while I do it, you can get back on the train I got off of years ago. We won’t miss you when the train pulls out, but I hope you’ll stop by every now and again when that train keeps circling back around. We always need reminders of how we don’t measure up to everyone else’s standards (and why we simply don’t care).

Everyone who’s ever taken a shower has an idea. It’s the person who gets out of the shower, dries off and does something about it who makes a difference.

~Nolan Bushnell

Stopped.

Fuck my life.

My phone was hooked up to Navigation mode and I’ll admit I’m not so savvy on all its features. So what does someone like me do? I turn to my community on Twitter and ask WTF – can anyone tell me why traffic is at a standstill on the I-15 south of Vegas?

And the snark starts to roll in.

What, you don’t know how to find traffic on Google Maps?

Don’t you know how to use your phone?

Ummm – it’s post New Years Eve traffic. Good luck.

Yeah – your best bet is to pull over to the shoulder and park for 18 hours.

Looks like bad planning for this end of your trip, no?

Here’s an idea, folks: BE USEFUL.

If someone is asking a question that you can help them solve, why not be a wee bit fucking useful? Do you really think someone (like me) who used to live in Las Vegas AND California isn’t aware that there’s shit traffic on Sundays coming out of the last bastion for sin known to mankind? Really. Traffic. On a Sunday. Between Vegas and LA. Shut the front door.

How much time do we spend being snarkity-snark-snark when we could be lending value instead?

So you’re getting bitch slapped. BE USEFUL.

No matter how abrasive or nit-picky my posts get, I always do my best to teach you something in each one. And that’s because I, myself, learned something that prompted me to write the post in the first place. I might give something a beat-down, but I’ll offer up ways to fix it and improve (and always tell you why I’m issuing the beat down).

Like Monday. I told y’all that you might want to be looking for a new job if improving your marketing skills wasn’t on the slate. Then I gave you three cheap-to-free ideas for upping your game. And someone in the comments section said they hoped I would offer up some ideas for upping one’s game, else I was just blogging for the traffic and notoriety. Yes, that’s me. I’m a blogging whore. Read my shit. Please.

And this goes to show that you can offer up an argument, actually BE USEFUL, and people still will glaze over things and say what they want to anywhoo.

So why don’t we all just take a breath. The next time someone asks a question, seek to NOT waste their time. BE USEFUL. Just sit and think about all of the times you had a question and no one was giving you anything useful. No one was helping when you asked for help. We’re told incessantly to ask and it’s a nad kick with a massive wind-up when we actually swallow our pride and ask only to get shot down by the Snark Gun.

I want to thank all of the followers on Sunday who actually sent me USEFUL information. Traffic reports. There were two accidents between Vegas and the California state line that had traffic all in a jam. The remainder of my trip was smooth sailing. So I’ll share with you what I learned from my USEFUL followers on Sunday:

• On Google Maps, there is a Traffic layer. OMFG, it is awesome. It will even work in Navigation mode,coloring your clear roadways green and jammed ones red. You can see how long the traffic lasts. I like it so much I want to take it out behind the bleachers and get it preggers.
• Here’s a great blog to tell you about Google Maps for Mobile.
• And yet another great blog to show you how to access the layers and activate the traffic layer on a Droid. By the way, to access layers, touch the icon that looks like a little stack of paper in the top right. It’s between the pin and compass icons (screen shot to the right).

So thank y’all for being useful and getting me the information I needed when I didn’t know how. I learned a thing or two in the process as well, about snark, sincerity and well…what being useful means.

You’ve been slapped (and so have I).

You were going to stop being a pussy.

Some days I really lose faith in humanity. Sunday was one of those days. I got stood up for a 7:30am riding date. No call, text, carrier pigeon, smoke signal. Zip. Jack shit. But 2 hours later into my three-flat tire ride…

pling!

Text message. From the offender. Apologizing profusely.

FAIL.

You stand me up, you pick up the fucking phone and you CALL me. You do not type an apology. You do not send me an email. You would have only had to touch 10 numbers to reach me, but instead you hammered-out a 200 character text message to say you overslept?

HUMAN. BEING. FAIL.

I didn’t text back. To the first message OR the next two that followed – one later that day and the one that came last night.

Why?

Because if you don’t get that an apology requires you to tap into the human side of the communication process, there’s nothing I could type back that will have any impact whatsoever.

You can think I’m a bitch or add in a “Gee, Erika – no wonder you’re single” snide remark. Please – be my guest. But when someone disrespects you or hurts your feelings, do you want a digital “I’m sorry” coming your way?

We hide behind technology because we want to distance ourselves from the fallout of our actions. Whether actions were intentional or completely inadvertent, we’ve thrown a grenade. And we’re the ones who get to duck and run for cover? That’s complete bullshit. If you chuck the grenade, stick your head up over the fence like a grownup and take the blast. If you show up late for the office or don’t bother to call in to work, will your boss stand for a text message or email apology? I’m thinkin’ not. And I’m thikin’ you’ll have some ’splainin to do, Lucy. There is no such thing as an iRelationship or iFriendship. Stop gnawing on the digital teat and start tuning in real, live human behavior.

And I get that taking the blast might not feel great (then again, what you did probably didn’t feel great, either), but you might end up with something that feels pretty great: a continued connection with a kickass person. And you’ll also show the person that you’ve got some balls. We suck at humbling ourselves. Which is why we should probably do it more often.

So I’ll ask you again: Put the phone down. Stop typing. Every type of communication has its place. I’ve done it. You’ve done it. Let’s stop it.

You’ve been slapped.

PS: I’m a shameless vote whore – stop by and vote for The Redhead in Westword’s Best of the Web Awards 2010! (I’ve included a plug for one of my favorite blogs in there as well). It’s Denver’s coolest pop culture pub and shucks – it would be awesome to win!

PPS: No phones were harmed in the making of today’s Bitch Slap…

Yes. If you’ll put the phone away.

Then there was the ex-boyfriend who lived and died latched-on the the same Apple-branded teat. The vibrations never seemed to end. The texting with The Dudes was frequent. Conversations with the ex-wife were seemingly incessant. So I finally said something:

It’s me or the phone. Your choice.

Folks, it’s a piece of technology and I don’t care if you’re a Crackberry/iPhone/Droid/Palm devotee. It makes no difference. It disgusts me that you can’t put the phone down long enough to have a conversation with a real, live person standing in front of you (especially if you’re hoping the conversation culminates in a “happy ending with release”).

So yeah – you’re getting Bitch Slapped. Every time you look at that phone that plugs you into The Matrix, you’re unplugging from ME. You’re telling the person (or people) sitting in front of you that you place more value in virtual relationships than real ones. And let me tell you – while there might be some oddballs out there reading my blog who live in their parents’ basement and have an uber-pimped-out whatever on World of Warcraft, every damn one of you is seriously lacking an excuse.

If you’ve arranged your life so that you simply cannot function without checking your email every five minutes, my friend – you’re a walking example of a serious fail. You should turn in your opposable thumbs and go back to dragging your knuckles because your ability to operate as a being with logical capacity is utterly absent.

Social engagement these days revolves around our handheld devices. We check in, we text, we tweet, we share. But can’t you do that and put the goddamned phone AWAY?

Let me get this straight:

You go somewhere to meet friends.

You arrive. You “check in.”

Aaaaaaand there are your friends.

***where’s the part about your phone being a requirement for a meaningful experience?

Ladies and gents, it’s this simple: if you’re on a date, you turn the fucking phone off. If there is a life or death matter, your date will be understanding – but every date should NOT have a life-or-death matter lurking at the perimeter (and if it does, it’s likely a smart decision to lose the date and go find a new one).

If you’re in a meeting, you turn the fucking phone off. Your attention deserves to be present in that room with people who have arranged their time to hear what you have to say.

And if you’re in the car, quit fucking text messaging! It blows my mind that there are no-texting laws yet very few hands-free laws. You need to type “LOL” does not preempt my desire and right to drive the streets among other drivers with two eyes on the goddamned road.

Now, as the sting on your cheek subsides, I want you to think back to the day that you saw your first fax machine. The day you used your first computer. The day that Michael Douglas looked like a serious P-I-M-P in Wall Street when he spoke on that big-as-a-brick “mobile phone.”

We didn’t always have these fantastical devices. And somehow, life went on without them. Believe me – you are capable of giving other human beings the pleasure of your company for a finite period of time without having to “check in” with technology.

That’s it. Consider yourself slapped. And if you’ve got a technology-related horror story, I’d love to hear it.

While it might seem intuitive to some, others are epic fucktards about the etiquette of the referral process. Snarketing entries are usually reserved for visual representations of poor marketing, this installment is a little Miss Manners for the Referral Impaired.

How to Not be a Fucktard in the Referral Process

1. When making a referral to someone, it would be nice if the party receiving the referral hit you up with a “Yo – thanks!” They do not OWE you anything. They do not OWE you a reciprocal referral. They do not OWE you lunch. Hell, they don’t even OWE you thanks. Making a referral involves grabbing Karma by the balls. What comes around goes around.
2. Understand the protocol of the referral. If you’re referring a client to a strategic partner, outline how the relationship will flow. Will YOU manage the relationship? Is it an “open white label” situation? Whose responsibility is billing? Be clear.
3. If someone gives you a referral to a strategic partner, it’s incredibly douchy to go around the person who referred you and ask this new person if you can “deal with them directly.” What you’re saying is, “Wow – this is awesome and I’m glad to have met this person! I’d sure love to ass rape the person who referred me by seeing if I can cut them out of the deal! YEAH!”
4. If you ever find a strategic partner with whom you have a referral arrangement cutting you out of the deal or working some side magic/discount pricing on their own, here’s the easiest way to deal:
   1. Let them know that YOU know what they’ve done.
   2. Hire a shady PI to take compromising pictures of that person with a hooker.
   3. Never do business with them again.
   4. Kicking in the nuts/clam is optional (yet highly rewarding).
5. Karma is a cold hearted bitch, and if you doubt me, go ahead and indulge in any of the asshattery outlined above. 98 pigeons will shit on your freshly-washed car inside of 48 hours.

Here endeth the snark.