*** Small print disclaimer – this is my journey and perhaps a similar journey shared by other iPhone 3G owners. If you’re in 3GS land, you’re a happier camper. If you’re a 4G owner already, you’re Apple’s golden child and you’re the one sucking THEIR apple.

I became an Apple user long before technology made it possible for me to email, Tweet and Facebook with the touch of a button. I had the iPod Mini (which wasn’t so “mini”) and then finally broke down and bought a Nano. It is lime green, shiny, and I love it so.

Then came the iPhone. Which was an unreliable piece of sometimes-functioning technology that had no right to have “phone” anywhere in the name. Alternate names I’ve considered (if I worked for Apple’s branding department): the iSuck, the iCan’tMakeACall, iCanPlayMusic and the iCanDropCalls.

I’ve gone through all of the software upgrades, each of which have had their own associated version of hell. I even had a 4G reserved on launch day, yet opted for some of the buzz to dispel before I jumped into another bite of Apple. So in mid-June, I plugged my little iPhone 3G in its Peter Frank monkay case into iTunes to sync and saw that OS4 was available.

Well, fuck YES! I clicked that shit like I was playing a game of banner ad Punch the Monkey.

And that’s the day where I began to live Armageddon.

My phone would lock up, the maps would freeze, I had to reboot 3 times to place a call. Apps would shut down at the drop of a hat, my battery life lasted a half day at best and I found myself scheduling meetings based on the availability of an electrical outlet. The new OS sucked, and I’m not the only one who feels so. But hey – when I plugged into iTunes, I acted like a good little iPhone owner and said YES! I’ll do the upgrade!

So, after living in OS4 hell for a week, I decided to downgrade the software. I used this article from Lifehacker, which worked BEAUTIFULLY.

Except that all of my contacts were gone. POOF! Gone. Here’s where the fun begins. iTunes told me it couldn’t restore from backup as the save was in a higher version of software. Here’s is also where The Redhead starts to explode. I’ll finish this story in steps so it’s easy to follow along:

• Called Apple. Rep informs me I’m out of warranty and a help call is usually $29.99, but she’ll help me this once.
• Rep proceeds to tell me that the OS4 is not designed to run on anything lower than the 3GS iPhones, and there are really only 3 functions on the 3G that will work: home page, phone and contacts. Everything else will be problematic.
• Rep says that since I’ve downgraded to 3.1.3 using “jailbroken” information and that Apple does not support any software DOWNGRADES, there’s not much she can do for me.
• I ask: So, Apple told me to upgrade in iTunes. I did that. It borked my phone. What am I supposed to do if I can’t downgrade and you “don’t support” downgrades?
• She then informs me that once OS4 is on your phone, it’s like genital herpes (my words, not hers). It’s there for life.
• I said that’s unacceptable that I have a $200 device for which I pay $150/month to use and Apple can’t help me get my OS back to one that actually WORKS on my phone.
• Apparently, my logic is staggering at this point and she flips me to a Senior Support Specialist.
• Senior Support Specialist reiterates that Apple can offer me no help, even though it’s their software that borked THEIR product.
• I ask: so what the fuck am I supposed to do with a $200 phone that won’t make calls and crashes the apps?
• I was advised that there are “workarounds” that I could find on the web, but Apple couldn’t point me to them specifically (but if I used Google, I could probably find them).
• Really, I’m on the phone with Apple, who knows the answer but can’t tell me and can’t tell me where I can get help?

Apple, you’re getting bitch slapped and can suck my left apple. I own an iPod, a MacBook, an iPhone 3G and an iPad is arriving on my doorstep TODAY or TOMORROW. I’m an advocate for your brand, your OS and a convert after having been raised a PC owner by a mom who’s a senior programmer/analyst and who built every computer I’d ever owned until I (gasp) bought a laptop in 2006.

Your service and attitude is unacceptable.

• You need to have a BIG ASS WARNING in iTunes for 3G users. I mean, HUGE. One that reads, “WHOA! Looks like you’re a 3G owner! By installing this update, you acknowledge that you’re performance speed, contacts, app performance and life in general are about to become straight fucked. Do you wish to proceed?”
• Why are you even allowing the OS upgrade to be available for 3G users? While some people are fortunate to go through without incident, I’m thinking this is a known issue. Especially when your “Genius” on the other end of my phone line says, “Yes, I get calls like this all day long. It’s a known issue with the 3G.”
• How arrogant is it to tell me that, while my phone isn’t even 1 year old (you did a warranty replacement for me, assholes, because my first phone was more jacked than concept of Sarah Palin in a Las Vegas show), “You’re out of warranty” and you technically can’t help me,
• The arrogance involved in your responses to me on the phone yesterday was staggering. Here’s what you told me:
  • You’re out of warranty (lie), but we’ll make an exception.
  • You were more concerned about the spelling of my name than my technical issue. And yes for fuck sake, it’s with a “K.”
  • You told me, verbatim, that once OS4 is installed on your phone, it’s always there and you cannot revert – even if you do a downgrade using “jailbroken” information.
  • You also told me that OS4 is not meant to run on the 3G models, save THREE FUNCTIONS.
  • That even though the OS4 isn’t meant to run on 3Gs, your software (iTunes) will happily install it.
  • Once it’s happily installed, you’ll offer no support to those experiencing issues.
  • However, I could “Google” my problems and there is “a lot of information out there.”

I’m going to be in your Cherry Creek store this week and all I’m saying is that you can either MAKE or BREAK my Apple patronage experience. I am *in* warranty, my phone is functional, and there had better be a fix administered AT the store for this shit to get right and get right quick. You’re Geniuses, after all. A Genius would understand that a legion of 3G owners being pissed off about their products dues to software you provided and prompted to install is NOT good for business.

It’s like Honda saying,”Mmmmm – yeah. When you brought your car in for service last time, we upgraded the software in your engine computer. Yeah, it’s got a lot of bugs. I know it leaves you stalled at the side of the road lots, but it’s a known issue. You could Google a workaround and see if that helps but we can’t help you.”

Service is more important than product and in this case, the customer IS right and IS in control. We’re going to chat this week, Apple. And I beg you to end the arrogance and find solutions for me – the owner of FIVE of your products.

I own an iPhone, which should actually be called the iPod Touch with Optional Calling Feature. I drop calls to friends, family, clients and other AT&T subscribers on a daily basis. Hell, I even drop calls to AT&T Customer Service.

I have a Facebook Fan Page and I love it even though there’s really no way to get in touch with Facebook’s Customer Service Department (oh – that’s because it doesn’t exist). You can’t get a malicious fan page imitating a key client taken down because, in spite of rallying 20 colleagues to submit a Fake Profile notice, Facebook’s too busy jacking around with privacy settings and figuring out how to monetize the client base they don’t service.

But I’m not leaving either one. And it’s likely because I’m an idiot.

My iPhone has the most user-friendly interface of any mobile device on the market and as a new Mac convert, I’m never going back to the clunky Windows OS. It doesn’t matter that half the planet uses the Marimba ring tone for their phone or the Glass sound for text messages so I’m always in some frantic “Is that MY phone?!” scramble. The only way to get more ringtones is to jailbreak my phone (which I’m not far from doing, for the record), but then I lose my visual voicemail which I do so enjoy (even though I sometimes don’t get voicemail notifications for hours and the phone doesn’t even ring when I have a call).

My Facebook Fan Page not only serves as a hub for those who enjoy my content, it allows them to connect with one another. No matter where I go, I can let everyone know through Facebook. I can drive traffic from Twitter to Facebook to my blog, from my blog to Facebook and Twitter. Followers can share cool links with me on my Fan Page wall. I love the interaction though it’s impossible to get Facebook to remove me as an admin on Facebook Fan Pages I built for clients.

Why do we do it?

Business is about cost versus benefit. For all my bitching, I’d still yearn for an iPhone if I didn’t have one. I’d miss the lively interaction on my Facebook Fan Page and personal profile if I walked away from a company run by a 26-year-old whose built something bigger than he can handle and doesn’t know the first thing about servicing those on which your relevance relies.

Does AT&T suck? Amen and pass the salt.

Does Facebook have absolutely no concept of customer service? Without a doubt.

But I’m staying with both. Somehow technology gets a hall pass when every other transaction in my life can’t escape the scrutiny of a discerning eye. I can’t explain it – except to say that I’m a sucker.

Are you a sucker for anything?

Face it: sometimes business sucks. Something we’ve put a ton of effort into craps the bed and we’re left with no choice but to scrap everything and…

start over. Go back to square one. Ask our buddy for a “gimme.”

Business (and life as well) is a funny creature that tends to shake foundations juuuuuuust when we’re hitting our stride. It’s the source of locker room grumblings, water cooler gossip and what keeps my massage therapist in business. After getting bitch-slapped by life last week and feeling that I was going to (yet again) have to start over, it finally occurred to me: we never, EVER, start over.

Now, before you all start wondering if my business imploded or I’ve broken-up with someone (no and no), I’ll just say that last week was a series of events that snowballed into one big ‘ol stick-my-head-in-the-sand-and-don’t-want-to-come-out-until-2010.  We all have those weeks on occasion. This one gave me a moment of clarity that’s the topic of this week’s blog.

Starting over is bullshit. Total horse crap. Grade-A fertilizer material and the stuff of which self-help books are made. While I’m sure that I could parlay this blog into a book deal that would fly off the shelves and into the hands of whiny businessfolk far and near, I’ll sum it up in a few sentences. Refill your coffee and have a seat.

We never start over. No matter if you’re a sprinter coming back to the starting line to run yet another race, a businessperson with a company that’s folded, a guy who just broke-up with his gal or a chef in the kitchen ready to make another pecan pie after the first one refused to set-up and resulted in a pie shell of hot pecan soup (not that it’s ever happened to me…whistling). Every experience gives us an invaluable set of tools to bring into the next go-round.

It’s time we start appreciating the tools and quit bitching that they’re in a blue toolbox because we had our heart set on a red one.

While it’s impossible to go through life without a base level of expectations, they really are the mother of all disappointment. Yeah, it sucks that things didn’t turn out the way we planned, but in the Target store of life, we’ve been able to fill-up our cart with a litany of useful thoughts, experiences and feelings. As life throws us those occasional curve balls, we have to watch the cashier scan them one by one and then present us with the damage. I say pay for your mother lode with enthusiasm! Whip out cash and take ownership of it all right there. Then take your baggage, roll it happily to your car and…

hop on the back of the cart and go for a ride.

Hell, you can even yell, “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” as you scream through the parking lot on your plastic hot rod.

Bottom line: there is no “starting over.” Not in business, relationships or all the other that life brings our way. There are, however, awesome opportunities to take on new tasks and adventures with your loaded-to-the-hilt blue toolbox.

And guess what? No one’s going to even notice it’s not red.

In every professional’s life, there comes a time where the question is begged: do I keep this client or do I let them go?

Not always a black-and-white scenario, mind you, I mean, its not like you just caught your girlfriend in bed with the top account executive from your biggest competitor. While some might be inclined to rationalize that situation (if you are one of them, I kindly refer you to a useful list of self-help blogs), it’s not always as simple as cold, hard facts in your face.

There are financial considerations, the value of the relationship, and a relationship’s potential to bring you more business down the line. And finally, there’s the question of Who’s Running Who?

Today, we’re going to take a look at some questions you can ask yourself when evaluating your client list. We can all learn a little from the bearded sage when it comes to client retention.

Know When to Hold ‘Em

They’re your favorite clients. They pay their bills on-time (or at least they’re predictably late and still pay). Its’s the work you enjoy, or perhaps enjoy not so much but at the day’s end, the client is happy with your work and sends you referrals.

Or…

They’re a complete pain in the ass. You cringe when you see their number on called ID. They phone you more than an unemployed guy trying to win NASCAR tickets from the local radio station. They’re famous for changes at the 11th hour and will predictably shift blame (to you, of course) when a deadline is missed because they didn’t get you stuff in time. But they pay. And occasionally you share a laugh or two.

Where is the line that lets you feel good about keeping a client? Here’s my own personal metrics and I’d love to hear your thoughts as well.

1. Appreciation (definitely pocket 10’s or higher): I’ll bend-over backwards…hell, I’ll even let ‘em take photos of me doing it…for a client who is appreciative. Piss me off, run me around, make me want to work at Starbucks. But if you pay your bills and say thank you, treating me with common decency, I consider you a keeper.
2. Communication (hard to beat, but pocket Kings at least): They’re the clients/customers that tell us their expectations and are adept at communicating them – conscisely, efficiently and without argument. They’re also known as a rare freakin’ thing. However, if I have clients with whom I’ve established a line of communication, are open to a two-way street and understand that the better I make their product/project look – the better THEY look…those, my friend, are keepers.
3. Volume (a solid pair of Queens): Along with the appreciative client comes the consideration of work volume. Are they a client who sends you dribs and drabs and it’s always a firehose mentality when they call (it’s on, need it yesterday and of course, “within budget”)? Or are they they client who provides you with a predictable workload, adheres to schedules (or something resembling one) and can you establish a rapport with the client that will lead to a better working relationship over the long-term? Volume/predictable workflow clients move up my personal food chain.
4. Referrals (pocket Aces every time and you flopped a set): Huge. No matter what business you’re in, your ability to generate more business is always important. Whether for your company or your own shingle, you’re looking for the endorsement-based marketing of The Referral. A client who is tedious and demanding yet sends me referrals is higher on my food chain than even the nicest of clients who never mention my name to anyone. Just think: you’re happy to refer a co-worker to your vet’s office for Sparky’s annual exam. I take every referral I personally dole-out as a confident endorsement of another professional. Clients who don’t understand this are missing the boat. Down the food chain with you, I say.

Know When to Fold ‘Em

When do you let go?

Money’s tight. Every dollar affects your bottom line. How could you possibly consider letting a client go?
Gasp…

FIRE a client?

Good ‘ol Kenny says that there’s a time to fold ‘em and I couldn’t agree more. While you can discern from the above what I think are the qualities of “keeper” clients, here’s a list of complete dealbreakers for me. Again, I’d love your thoughts on your own dealbreakers. And might I say – if you’ve never fired a client…you might want to take a look at your client list!

1. Lack of Appreciation (or a 10-2 offsuit): If a client never says thank you (and believe me, they’re out there), it’s time to consider the future of your relationship whether they pay their bills or not. While personalities vary, there’s a rule in business for expressing appreciation. If you don’t and you consistently make demands on me for my time and services, you’re not so interested in a good business relationship as your project. Possible fold, I might see the turn card though.
2. Poor Financial Responsibility (pocket deuces when the board plays): My mortgage company doesn’t wait. My credit cards don’t wait. A client who consistently pays their invoices/bills late or has to be nagged is a liability in my bookkeeping. I’m human and understand an oversight, an apology, a circumstance out of your control. I’ll work with clients on a case-by-case basis. But it’d better be good. You’d be just as pissed if I paid YOUR bill late. Show me the same courtesy, else you’re off the island when the opportunity arises.
3. Lack of Respect (they guy to your right has Aces up his sleeve): We all work hard. We all, I’d like to think, do our best to deliver a superior product for our clients. When clients choose to berate you, swear at you (and I can swear here ’cause it’s MY blog) or show you anything less than the respect you’re due as a human being, it’s time to tell them to hit the pavement. They might pay their bills, but here’s where you make the conscious choice between being a whore for the paycheck or a respected professional who is IN business and doesn’t NEED just any business.

While the above might seem cut and dry, it’s not. We’re all faced with difficult business decisions each and every day. And we’ve all LOST a client because a relationship deteriorated. I’m advocating being conscious when it comes to analyzing your client list, and it’s likely you’ve got some less-than-optimal ones on your books.

Decide who you are, determine the costs. Recognize the value of the services you provide. We’re all valued professionals, and since I can swear here since it’s my blog: Don’t allow anyone to screw you. Call bullshit on it – and the same goes for your clients. They can call bullshit on you, too.

The best advice from The Gambler? Know when to walk away, know when to run.

small print disclaimer: The Redhead plays poker

Obviously, that’s a no-no. The teller inquired if I was aware of the “check cashing fee for non-Wells Fargo account holders.”

Here’s where I said “no.” Apparently it’s $5.

Seeing as how I’d just waited in line for 20 minutes, what am I supposed to say other than, “OK, you win, you’ve got me by the balls?” So not only did I wait in line for 20 minutes at a client’s bank to make sure their check was good (instead of wait 5 to 7 business days to see if it cleared), but since I wasn’t personally a Wells Fargo account holder, I had to pay $5 to get my own goddamned money from one of THEIR account holders.

Here’s where I ask: What happened to running a customer-centric business?

The customer who wrote me that check was a referral from another customer.

The person who wrote me that check is the reason I stay in business.

The collection of people who write checks on a Wells Fargo account are the reason that Wells Fargo stays in business.

When did business become so jaded that we forgot who funded the payroll accounts?

My community – “my peeps” – my fellow Tweeters, Stumblers, Facebook Friends and LinkedIn Connections…each and every one of them is is a service capacity. I’m surrounding daily by the musings of rock climbing attorneys, hiking photographers, work-at-home webmasters for media moguls, CEOs of emerging technologies, SEO firm whizzes, and notable voices from the PR and social media realm to name a few.

While each of these folks might dish and bitch behind closed doors to colleagues or friends, they often take their concerns to the public forum. Blogs, Tweets, Stumbles with “thumbs down…” No matter. They all have one thing in common: each of thir gigs is dependent on the next person or company that hires them to DO THEIR JOB. And the next. And that person telling another person.

It’s the hub, the cog, the spoke of social media at it’s core: endorsement-based marketing.

So when the hell did business get so bloody jaded that it forgot that the customers are the ones writing the checks and we shouldn’t be charged to cash them? In a world where positive feedback spreads like a slow burn and negative like wildfire, I think it’s time that service-based organizations re-examined their service model.

Todd Defren of PR Squared got it right this week when he Tweeted: The resoundingly negative response to Cuil, following a big PR push, is a textbook example of how NOT to launch. Only PR firm will be happy.

Explain to me why you launch an application that’s touted to “crush Google” and you do a shit job of it. What, for the paycheck? Congrats. That’s the last paycheck you’ll ever get. Drive it to Wells Fargo, pay your $5 fee, and start looking for new business. Yes, Cuil sucks, but part of the perception of the level of suckage is a direct result of a crappy PR job. A service provider who forgot Ford’s Job #1.

Perhaps this whole Wells Fargo incident happeed at the right time, in the right place. My client will never know how pissed I got at their bank, though I will make sure that everyone in my blogosphere, Tweeterverse, Stumble Zone and FriendFeed (and honestly, every live human I’ve met between then and now) knows I think that Wells Fargo is a bunch of bastards that forgot that I could be a potential customer.

Did you think you were going to earn my business, Wells Fargo, by pissing me off and bullying me to open an account, all so I could save $5?

The answer is no. You forgot what we all must remember as providers of service, extenders of expertise and mouthpieces of our organizations:

I’m the one who makes your payroll.

Perhaps this is why I love social media and why I value it so deeply. I try to never forget that each person I interact with is a potential customer … that the dollars could flow elsewhere and that a negative thought regarding my level of professionalism and the services I provide can end up here…

in the ether

and have either the slow burn effect of positive, business-building publicity

or the wildfire that leaves the pervasive scent of a crash and burn.

So I put the question back out to you, my peers: what’s your peeve when it comes to customer service and how do you ensure that you’re not the next Wells Fargo?

Is it so selfish to want companies to put ME back into their service model? Hell, I hope I never forget that YOU are the reason I live and work the life I love.

Questions? Thrown fruit? Work for Wells Fargo?

Email The Redhead: erika [at] redheadwriting [dot] com

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and a special thanks to everyone whose profiles I linked to above and thanks for always brightening my Twitterverse with humanity, thought, frustration and your professional insight.