If you’ve never seen Amber speak, it’s something that should definitely be added to your Business Enhancement Bucket List. As someone who attends and speaks at multiple conferences throughout the year, there are some pretty lackluster speakers you can lose an hour of your life to. I wouldn’t be part of the team bringing her to Colorado if that were the case. Animated, insightful and human, Amber’s one of those speakers who grabs you in the first two minutes and won’t let you go until she’s signed your book when the hour is over. Not only that, she’s a rock-solid lady who avoids the dish-and-dash routine and hangs with her audience both before and after the fact.

What’s the Dealio? What Will I Get for an Hour of My Time?

What will you get? Ossum, that’s what. And just in case you’re not interested in ossum, here’s a more pragmatic breakdown:

At each event, Amber will address the “Seven Shifts To Make Businesses Faster, Smarter & More Social.” Whether you’re a one-person rodeo or a company with hundreds of employees, there’s something for any business that’s interested in becoming more nimble and efficient with their marketing strategies.

Amber’s presentation will teach attendees how to:

• Strip away silos and overgrown business processes and create a culture of NOW;
• Hire and empower a new type of employee who is adept at pattern recognition, human relations, and immediate analysis;
• Organize internal teams for maximum external impact, and empower every employee as a marketer (even if they’re not);
• Listen at the point of need and answer the social telephone;
• Travel the “Humanization Highway” and respond effectively and persuasively to customer inquiries;
• Plan for, find and manage real-time crises; and,
• Redesign success metrics in a business world that’s increasingly instantaneous.

Hey, Erika – Can I Get In for Free?

I dunno. I could probably arrange that if you want to pay Amber’s mortgage. The event is a $25 ticket. Why? Well, here are some things you might not know about how things work with published authors:

• Free books: Hahahahaha! Yeah. They might get 20 complimentary copies. So book tours are arranged to let various communities meet the author(s), talk about the book and let readers get some one-on-one time. Oh, and to sell books. Every attendee of these events will receive a copy of The NOW Revolution – that’s what your ticket price covers.
• Book tours: Unless you’re Seth Godin, Steven King or the awesomeness that is The Oatmeal, authors foot the bill for all their travel and expenses to get out and promote their books. The team that’s bringing Amber to the Front Range is absorbing 100% of the costs, except the books, to bring her expertise and message to the local business community. There’s nothing in it for us except being a part of a great event and we wouldn’t do it if we didn’t love the book and its message.

Fine, I’ll Pay. How Do I RSVP?

It’s easy-peasy. (And thank you for not arguing with The Redhead.) Here are the details, and we hope to see you there:

Denver Event

Thursday, May 12 at 6pm at The Rackhouse Pub (208 S. Kalamath)

Facebook event (for sharing with your folk)

Buy Your Ticket Here

Boulder Event

Friday, May 13 at 8am at Metzger Associates (5733 Central Ave.)

Facebook Event (for sharing with your folk)

Buy Your Tickets Here

About Your Event Sponsors

These two events are sponsored by Metzger Associates, the Mile High Social Media Club, PRSA/Colorado Chapter and RedheadWriting – four companies/organizations dedicated to bringing value to the Front Range business communities.

Anyone who knows me knows I love my bicycles. And you also know that I’m a self-admitted geek. I’m going to start today by telling you a little story. It has a lot to do with who I am today and why you stop by here to read the words you do on a regular basis.

My family didn’t have a lot of money growing up. My older brother, younger sister and I didn’t get a lot of trips to the toy store – and that was by design. Our parents were (and still are) smart. Honor students, former military and they knew one thing: an education was the stepping stone that would get us on the path towards wherever we wanted to go in life. Toys were for Christmas and birthdays. Books? Those were rewards.

There was nothing better than a trip to the bookstore when I was a kid. Some days, I got to pick out one book. On those days, it’s be a Choose Your Own Adventure volume (because I could read it 9 times and get a different story each pass through). Others, it was a two or three book day. Mad Libs, Nancy Drew volumes, Judy Blume angst gatherings…our family had bookshelves throughout the house that rivaled the downtown Houston public library. We went on trips with books, took them to school, read them at lunch and fell asleep with them. And it’s pretty much a miracle that I love books at all.

I’m dyslexic. Severely. My parents spent hours upon hours with me as a kid trying to get me to “read straight.” Math? Fugghedaboudit. Hate the stuff. My brain can do the work, but it does it with the wrong numbers (and teachers don’t give you points for “close”). But thanks to my parents and trying trick after trick to make the letters and words come out straight so they made sense, I’m living my dream as a professional writer. I write things that people read (which shocks the shit out of me daily, I assure you). I live by spell check and still take notes in longhand because it makes my brain slow down. I proofread and oftentimes read sentences backwards because some days, it’s the only way I can understand what something means. And I can’t help but to think what my life would be like if:

• I’d been able to “read straight” from the get go
• My parents had bought me toys instead of books

Would I be a writer still? I have no idea. But books are important to me and that’s why I’m asking for your help today.

I Want Your Children’s Books

And here’s where the bikes come in. My cycling team, TriBella (including a pic of The Redhead in a cycling kit…and if you’re going to gawk, could you at least fan the page?), has partnered with Ride for Reading, a national program that delivers children’s books to schools in need. This year, we chose Columbine Elementary School due to the number of kids that receive free or reduced-rate lunches on account of the surrounding area’s economic demographics. The state of education in this country is dismal enough without the proposed $332 million in budget cuts that Colorado’s about to take from state educational funding for K-12 programs and I can’t help but to think one thing:

Maybe there’s an Erika in Columbine Elementary School.

So that’s why I’m asking you to send me your children’s books.

How You Can Help

On April 29, the ladies from my race team will be hand-delivering the books we collect to Columbine Elementary School and we’d love to bring as many books as possible. Here’s what I want you do to:

• Talk to your co-workers
• Talk to your neighbors
• Dig through the attic and those boxes in the closet
• Find as many children’s books as you can
• Put them in boxes
• Ship them to our bike shop.

It’s the 5th of April and we need them no later than the 28th. That’s 23 days you have to help a kid like me – maybe a kid like yours – discover the joy of books.

Don’t want to box up books and haul them to the post office or UPS? Here are a few other ideas on how you can help:

• GOOD: Send us a check. Make it payable to TriBella Race Team and we’ll go shopping for you (we’ll even send you the itemized receipt).
• BEST: Drop by Amazon, Barnes & Noble or a place like AbeBooks (a leading used bookseller). Many of these stores have FREE SHIPPING with minimum purchases. Do some shopping (check those Bargain Bins!) and send the books directly to our bike shop.

Money Where My Mouth Is

RedheadWriting will match all donations made in RedheadWriting’s name up to $250. Just make sure you put a note in your box or on the shipment that your donation should be applied to RedheadWriting, mkay? And if you’re in the Denver/Boulder area and would like to make a book donation, drop me a line. One of the ladies from TriBella will come by and pick up your books from your home or office. Voila! So fancy. The ladies on my team have done phenomenal things already and we’d like to thank multiple Barnes & Noble locations and Denver’s own Tattered Cover for their participation in our book drive.

And as a closing note, Ride for Reading is NOT a nonprofit and we can’t offer you a snazzy tax deduction for your donation. It’s just something good to do with your heart and a box to help kids that were once like me discover the joy of reading. Books are a significant part of who I am today. Maybe you feel the same way.

So that’s it. I’m not asking you to vote for me for anything. I’m not asking you to break the bank. We could all do with a little spring cleaning (in our houses AND our souls), so if you can help, here’s the last bit of info you need:

Where to Ship Your Books

TriBella Women’s Multisport
1060 Bannock St.
Denver, Co 80204
(303) 495-2477

…thank you.

image via CreativeCommons.org

Do you think you’re being crystal clear when you’re REALLY clear as mud? We operate (myself included) on a certain set of assumptions. WE understand things, so other people must as well, right? It’s like (in my case at least) The Rules According to Erika. (Not related to The World According to Garp, though a completely brilliant tale.)

Some things don’t translate.

We live in a world where emoticons supposedly clarify out intentions, but what do we do when we have to (gasp) be ourselves and communicate with someone real-time?

I’ll tell ya: we either hit a home run or fuck it up royally.

What are YOU losing in translation?

In early November, I bought a new Mini. Her name is Beatrice Olivia (hello, Beatrice). She is the first new car I’ve bought since I was twenty-years-old. It was a major purchase decision (albeit, one executed out of angst as following Jason’s death, I needed to keep moving…this was a way to keep moving). I was excited.

Now, over a month later, I’m not excited. Three trips back to the dealership to deal with a bike rack issue (resulting in – “wow, they just don’t work for your bikes” when my bikes are normal road bikes) and a bomb dropped in my lap yesterday about registering my new car and how the dealership has lost the specialty plates from my trade-in, I’m wondering what got lost in translation.

Now, I like to consider myself a smarter-than-the-average-bear consumer. I read shit before I sign it. I’m wondering what got lost when I learned yesterday that the State of Colorado doesn’t allow car dealerships to collect all the taxes and registration fees for when you buy a car. A discovery that will now cost me about $500 when I walk into the DMV to pick up my plates (something else I didn’t know I had to do).

I bought a car like I’ve always done. Considering I’ve owned (yes) fourteen cars, I felt the process went as it always had:

• I sign financing and POA documents for the car and registration.
• They give me keys and a temporary tag.
• I drive away.
• Dealership calls me when I can come pick up my plates, which were removed from my trade in and I figure they’re holding until the registration and transfer if complete.

But no. This is how it went down with Ralph Schomp Mini in Littleton, CO:

• I sign financing and POA documents for the car and registration.
• They give me keys and a temporary tag.
• I drive away.
• I bring the car back for aftermarket accessory installation and ask them to look at an idling problem. They say the first tank of gas I’ve put in my car is “bad gas.” Funny. Even though I’ve owned 14 cars, seems odd that the first tank of gas I put in my new one is bad. But shit happens, right? I apparently need to run the tank out, fill up again and it’s going to take a few thousand miles for my new BMW product to “break in.”
• I take my car home. My bikes don’t fit on the bike racks properly. I call the dealership and make an appointment to come in.
• I take car to dealership. Huh. You’re right, Ms. Napoletano. The bike racks don’t work with your bikes for some reason. That’s odd. Why don’t you check with Rocky Mounts in Boulder for aftermarket racks?
• I check with Rocky Mounts. Yup – they see this all the time. I get information and call my salesperson. Salesperson now says that I have to come BACK to the dealership to have the racks removed, as they’ll only process the refund once the racks are back in Mini’s possession. Then they’ll cut me a check for the cost of the racks and I can go to Rocky Mounts for new racks.
• I return to the dealership for the THIRD time to have my bike racks removed. I also ask about the title/registration on my car. Joe in service (who is awesome) says he’ll have Phil (sales manager) call me as he’s looking into that right now. Car still idles rough (we’re now about 1600 miles into ownership).
• Phil calls. Says something about me calling the county. I say where are my plates? The ones you took off my old car. He’s aghast that I don’t have them. He’ll look into it.
• Salesperson calls me. Dumbfounded, saying he has a pretty good memory and doesn’t know what the heck has happened to my plates. So I ask him what the deal is with my registration. He says that I’ll need to take the postcard notice I got from Denver County down to the Licensing office and get my plates. I say, “So, the fees are taken care of. Are there any additional fees I’m going to have to pay when I go down there?” He says, yes. A couple hundred bucks is what I’m looking at. Me? I’m like WTF.
• Redhead stops being nice. I explain that this has been the worst car buying experience of my life, from the moment I filled up the tank. He needs to have his sales manager call me ASAP.
• Sales manager calls, I explain the Worst Car Buying Experience of My Life
  • Multiple trips to the dealership inside of 30 days, all for the same issue
  • Dealership has lost my Bicycle Colorado plates which cost me $50 to obtain
  • My plates are now wandering around in the ether and MY name is attached to them
  • The dealership failed to inform me that I will have additional vehicle licensing fees due (approximately $461 in ownership tax and $40-60 in licensing) at the DMV in order to complete registration on my new car.
• Sales manager says the best he can do it “throw money at the situation.” I have a check coming for $349 and change for my roof rack refund and he’ll round it up to $500 for my trouble. Also says I’m the first customer ever who has not been aware that Colorado (and apparently Wyoming) do things differently from the other 48 states when it comes to what a dealer handles for you at purchase. I suggested a piece of paper called “Registering Your New Vehicle In Colorado” for nimrods like myself who have lived here a mere 2 years.
• There are WAY too many bullets above, right?

Now, Ralph Schomp Mini wants me to be a satisfied customer – this I get. But does $150 really compensate me for a month of consternation and a car that still doesn’t run properly? Honestly, I’ve never had a new car that’s needed to “break in.” Maybe that’s another reason to buy used ones. But there was a lot lost in translation in my buying experience, from a sales and management staff that loaded me down with apologies and mostly skipped the solutions to the fact that I’m leaving on December 27 to drive about 2500 miles with 2 bikes, 2 dogs and 2 cats in/on my Mini Cooper and I now have a shitload to deal with. New bike racks, registering my car, moving money from one account to the other (something I only do once a month) to foot a surprise $500 bill for registration and additional taxes.

This is all shit that could have been avoided by not assuming a customer knows things. By going the extra mile and taking the bike racks off when I was at the dealership the SECOND time. By the sales staff telling me that the Service Manager himself has aftermarket bike racks. By noticing that my car was purchased in Nevada and knowing I’d only lived in Colorado for 2 years (barely).

What are YOU missing in translation with your customers? Take a moment. Breathe. Help set expectations. Otherwise, you’re going to end up with a customer like me who knows their way around the interwebz and shares her experience. I’m hoping Ralph Schomp Mini in Littleton, Colorado will take a look at this situation and understand what’s been done wrong. Throughout the whole bike rack fiasco, I even asked them if they wanted pictures to send to their product development team so they could make their bike racks better. They declined.

Alas, it looks like that at present, there is one thing that hasn’t been lost in translation: my Mini Cooper has a 3 year/36,000 mile bonnet-to-bumper maintenance-free policy. Whether they realize it or not, they’re stuck with me for the next three years, and I can be their biggest fan or the customer they wish they’d pleased when they had the opportunity.

Translation. People don’t read minds. They don’t know what you know. You have to tell them. And tell them straight. So….get to tellin’, mkay?

Angel Capital Summit is one of the largest events in the country in the angel and venture capital scene. It’s an event that’s grown by leaps and bound year after year and they’re expecting up to 900 attendees this year. And if you’re a business owner in the Denver/Boulder area, you’re crazy to miss it.

Why?

Because it’s right here in your own backyard and an event filled with people you need to know. Maybe your company isn’t looking for funding – maybe you’ve got a great thing going on. I’m honored to have been invited to be one of the speakers and can tell you that the series of events over the two days jazzes me. But hey – if you want to put your business on autopilot or not pick up the real deal from the people who make funding for new companies like Facebook, Twitter, Gist and more HAPPEN, stay at home.

Here’s what you can do:

• Learn more about Angel Capital Summit in general
• Register for the entire conference (both days) with full access. You can use code ACSPART-4973 to get $20 off the $119 regular price and attend for $99. (This is a no-brainer, and by the way: I don’t make an affiliate commission off that.)
• Attend JUST the workshop sessions on Monday for $39 for the entire day. Do I need to explain how, if you can’t take two days, this is also a complete no-brainer? Learn more about the schedule of workshops and click here to register for just the workshop day.

Conferences can get expensive (this, I fully know). But this is in your own backyard and even if I weren’t speaking, I’d be attending. It’s $39 on the low side, $99 on the high side. I’m thinking your business is worth more than $99, so take the deal. Connect with people. Get smarter. Make someone else smarter. Leave the coffee shop and start working things out with a pencil. The holidays is a sure-fire time for our brains to shut-down. Kick the tires and light the fires. Get Maverick (but please don’t “go rogue”).

I’ll see you there.

But enough talk about ponies. WTF Erika. YOU SAID THERE’S A NEW CONTEST!

Simmer down, Happy Pants. No lie. There’s a new contest. It’s ONLY for Denver/Boulder area peeps – and as I said yesterday, another one will be coming along shortly for my global folk. Hold on to your britches…

On Saturday, October 30, THREE WINNERS will be accompanying me to The Comedy Works in DTC to go see The Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli! And not just THREE winners, but these winners will each win a PAIR of tickets so you can bring a date/pony/spouse along for the ride as well. We have dinner reservations at Lucy at Comedy Works at 5:15pm prior to the 7:30pm show and priority seating for the group so you can see The Queen of Mean up-close. Special thanks to Wende Curtis at Comedy Works for getting everything squared away!

So, Erika – shut your yap. HOW DO WE WIN?

It’s actually pretty easy…

In the comments section below, you have until Monday, October 4 at 11:59pm to tell me a little story.

If you could take any mythical creature with you to see Lisa Lamapanelli, what would it be?

Tell me about your mythical date. Where would you go? Would you take it to get its hair and nails done (and where)? Would you stop for a drink (and where)? Details, please. Especially how long you’ve had a relationship with this creature and if the HOA in your neighborhood knows about your weird fetish.

And having people “like” your comment might help, too.

I am the sole judge, jury and executioner deciding the winner.

Some rules:

• Winners will be notified on Tuesday’s blog – October 5, 2010.
• Entries must be 300 words OR LESS (I will totally word count your ass).
• One pair of tickets per winner, three winners.
• Dinner at Lucy is on your own dime, but The Redhead WILL be picking up your two-item minimum during the show.
• Tickets have NO CASH VALUE. Don’t even ask.
• Winners are decided solely at my whim. Dance, Monkays, DANCE!
• Date of show is Saturday, October 30, 2010 at 7:30pm (dinner at 5:15pm)

And here’s where my more “sensitive” audience will want to tune-out…they don’t call her The Queen of Mean for nuttin’.

As a resident of the greater Cherry Creek and Glendale area here in Denver, I receive the Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle in my mailbox each month. While I generally only give it a cursory flip through, your recent article “How to Date in Denver When You’re Dead” caught my eye. I hope you don’t mind, but I felt the headline was inaccurate. Hence, I renamed it in my column here today.

Somewhere along the way, you’ve acquired the moniker “Sheik of Cherry Creek,” while I can’t imagine who comprises your harem. Your recent column is a cesspool of misogyny – and the last time I issued a smackdown of this magnitude, it was to Douglas Brown over at the Denver Post for his ill-researched, faux exploration of cougar culture. Pull up a chair – you’re about to get Bitch Slapped.

“Cut this column out, fold it up and put it in your back pocket. I’m serious. What you are about to read should be your first date constitution, the holy grail of dating. You could be a dead guy and use this recipe for success. It’s war out there and you need to be as prepared as possible when you enter back into the dating battlefield and if you’re not you will be left for dead, broke and lonely.”

Incorrect, Greg. It’s NOT war in the world of man-meets-woman. Perhaps for the douchebags who would read your column and take your advice as the holy grail, but not for the average population. It’s no shocker your column is dubbed “Confessions of a Serial Dater.,” as if you’re following your own advice, you’re likely to have more drinks in your face than beauties on your arm.

“First, you have to get your head right. Remember, women are wired to be dysfunctional by nature and when emotion overrides logic you know you’re in for a wild ride.”

This line actually made me spit Fresca. I truly adore the fact that you begin an article purported to be the Holy Grail for dating with a really offensive judgment on the nature of womankind. Now, I’ll hand it to you that there is psycho pussy wild and loose on the streets of Denver, but it’s douchebags like yourself that make it hard for all the kickass guys and gals out there looking for someone to share their lives with (or at least not kick out of bed for an extended period of time).

How about if I came out and said that every guy is a chauvinistic, self-absorbed, cheating, infantile, commitmentphobe dickhead? While I’ve met damn fine array of men in my lifetime who share one or an assortment of those qualities, it’s not an accurate assessment of men as a whole, is it? And it’s guys like you who spew such crap – and in a family-oriented community newspaper and a forgettably trafficked Blogspot blog, nonetheless – that make it hard for the hordes of decent guys out there because the awesome chicks think they’re assholes because some douchebag pigeonholed them. Alas, I could go on about this one aspect forever, but let’s move on to some of the other Holy Grail of Dating-type gems in your column.

“Your approach is everything. Your first impression and getting a woman to go out on a date with you is half the battle. Except don’t ever, and I mean never, call it a date…”

Really? We’re not “dating” anymore? Well, slap me and call me Myrna. See, when I go to sites like Match.com, guess what I’m looking for? A date. I’m not going to Friend.com or BeMyHikingBuddy.com. I’m going to a site that allows me to connect with MEN in order to explore future romantic involvement. And I never want to wonder if something is a “date” or not. So for fuck sake, it’s a date. Women appreciate straightforward. Go “hang out” with your buddies and watch the game. Take a girl on a date. After you’ve been dating a girl for awhile, you can “hang out” with her on the couch. But guess what – you’re probably going to have to take her out on a few dates first.

“So when you say, “Let’s go grab a happy hour and have some laughs” she is hearing a fun statement rather than a question that she can say “no” to. “Let’s go” rather than “Would you like to,” and “grab” meaning quick, in and out if she’s not having fun. Then “happy hour” and “laughs,” the double banger, booze and laughing, which are two of women’s favorite pastimes.”

Heavens. This is simply precious: booze and laughing are two of women’s favorite pastimes. Maybe this is true in the middle of Skankville where you apparently go trolling for your strange, but not among the smart and sexy women I know – and especially here in Denver. My girlfriends’ favorite pastimes include things like cycling, hiking, climbing, knitting, salsa dancing, charity work, going to a Rockies game and working in the garden. And sure – we dig a beer or glass of wine before, during or after some of those activities, too. But I dare say that no lady having any semblance of class, here in Denver or elsewhere, would list booze on any list of pastimes. If alcohol becomes a pastime, that’s called being an alcoholic.

“And remember resistance causes attraction so if you can get her to wonder if you’re into her and create a little mystery you will begin to have women chasing you in no time.”

Aside from my overwhelming urge to copyedit this sentence, I’ll just address the content. No, I don’t want to wonder if a guy is into me. Not at all. It’s total bullshit and a game that douchebag “dating folks” like you need to stop perpetuating. If you want to play games, move along before you end up a chalk outline in my dating neighborhood, because I’ll pass you over and mark you forgettable before you can even check your phone a 17th time to see if I’ve texted you back.

Great relationships are borne out of mutual attraction, timing, circumstance and…that “thing.” And let me just say that if you like someone enough to sit down and think, “Hmmmm…how am I going to jack with his/her head so they know how much I like them?” I’ll just say that you’re probably not too terribly into that person. I’ve been blessed with some amazing relationships in my life, and while they all didn’t turn out to be forever, not a single one of those men fucked with my head. And I didn’t fuck with theirs, either.

(The next outtake immediately follows the previously eviscerated sentence in Mr. Hollenback’s column.)

“After all we are merely extensions of nature; women are little flowers looking for the strongest seed to pollinate them. Be strong and safe out there.”

I am not a flower. Women are not flowers. We are women, and while we may have the urge to become mothers some day, I do not require any man to “pollinate” me. This is, by far, the most offensive fallacy you put forth in your laughable column. You’re trying to tell me that you honestly feel that women are meek and men superior and my days spent looking for one who will bless me with his seed? Let me guide you through a day in my world.

I get up between 5 and 5:30 A.M. I head to the gym or yoga. Back home, and get jazzed for my work day. You see, I own a consulting business and am a professional writer. If I don’t move my business forward, who will? Throughout the day, I speak with colleagues, work with clients, acquire new projects and close out ones completed. I laugh, I swear, I smack spiders with a shoe and mow the lawn. I’ll hop on my bike for a training ride my coach has laid out for me, have dinner with friends, cook and indulge in a little Netflix. Then I’ll wrap things up and get ready to do it all again tomorrow.

Do you see a need to be “pollinated” anywhere in my day? I’ll venture to guess there are a ton of guys who have pretty much identical days, too.

I’m looking for a partner, and yes, it’s true: I dig the good old Texas Hangdown. I dig dudes. It will be wonderful when the man with whom I’ll move through my life emerges and we can build a relationship. Laughter (sans the booze), straightforward communication (no cryptic bullshit) and the desire to make one another’s lives better. To help one another be whatever it is they dream of being. That’s what I’m looking for. If children are in the mix, it’ll happen. If my plumbing doesn’t work, we’ll adopt and there’s the miracle of modern reproductive medicine to help things along if that’s the path we choose. But I don’t need pollination. I’ve never met a woman in my thirty-seven years who did.

“Follow me on Twitter at sheikofcc and don’t forget to go to www.greghollenback.com to comment on this and previous months issues of “Confessions of a Serial Dater” along with Denver’s most complete singles social calendar and a way to get a hold of me for one on one date coaching. In the next article, “Happy Hour, Happy Ending” I am going to tell you where to go on your first date!”

It terrifies me to no end that you offer “one on one date coaching.” Frankly, why would anyone want dating advice from someone who describes themselves as a “serial dater?” I want dating advice from friends and family who know me and care, a professional matchmaker or a therapist (since all women are inherently dysfunctional, we all must have one, right?). I certainly don’t want it from you, and I’ll venture to say that none of my male readers, single or otherwise, would either.

And I’m pretty much appalled at the proposed headline for your next column: “Happy Hour, Happy Ending.” The phrase “happy ending” is synonymous with jerking off a patron in a massage parlor. I can certainly hold out hope that the editor over at the Chronicle will do his or her due diligence and strike that prior to publication.

To wind things up, I’m wondering if the Glendale Cherry Creek Chronicle’s editor was drunk or high when they accepted your column for publication and subsequently featured you on the home page of their website. I know someone had to have looked at it prior to print, as they were sober enough to fix the glaring grammatical and usage errors displayed in your blog version for the most part. But your advice to men looking to get the attention of “hot, modern women” is so simultaneously false, demeaning and otherwise offensive that I can’t believe a neighborhood-oriented publication in the suburbs of Denver has taken it to print and offered it to their audience. It’s not entertaining. It’s not even well-written. It’s just…well, it’s crap.

Glendale and Cherry Creek are places where people raise families. I don’t see a single father out there who would teach his son of the “holy grail of dating” you spew.

And you, Mr. Hollenback, have been Bitch Slapped. And you’re a first: I’ve never Bitch Slapped a person before, yet in this situation, I’ve made an exception.

Sincerely,

Erika Napoletano
Head Redhead/Not a Flower
RedheadWriting LLC

Games were $30 (THIRTY DOLLARS) and my mother stood in line at Sears for more than one of them. Last Thursday night’s event convinced me of one thing…okay, TWO things:

1) I still love video games.

2) The Wii is dead.

I’ve condensed it into 6 minutes and hope you enjoy.

***Per FCC regulations, I have to disclose that Xbox has not compensated me for the review and information contained in this post. However, I did receive a Flip MinoHD as a gift for attending the event. Thanks to Edelman PR and Xbox for the kind gift! You’ll be powering my video blogging efforts from here on out.

When you’re at a certain place in your business, the 101-level common conference fodder doesn’t cut it. Sometimes the 201 “next step” sessions are even a snore. While we all needed these at one point and I frequently teach them along with several of my colleagues, WE are looking for something to add extraordinary value to our respective businesses.

I was at an all-day conference last week up in Ft. Collins and during the closing session, they had us share our Likes, Improves and Favorites openly with the group. I said that they should price the conference higher, as I felt the information shared throughout the day was worth TEN TIMES the $15 or $25 I’d paid. And then a gal in the audience piped up that she’d paid $30 and that she had to really consider the investment she was making in her business at that price.

So I did The Redhead thing. I said if you have to consider $30 as an “investment-level decision,” then maybe you’re in the wrong business. And if you don’t have $30 to invest in your business, who the hell to you think is going to invest in you? Hey – I’m not saying piss money away willy-nilly, but anyone who considers themselves a business owner needs to stop thinking about the revenue and start thinking about the value.

Revenue will come.

Value is built. Earned. Layered. Instilled.

Value becomes the language you speak and the service you offer. If you don’t understand how to build value, a 101 level “How to Blog for Business” course is just going to leave you with more questions than answers.

Back in March, Shelly Kramer of v3IM told me I was going to SOBCon. Given I’ve been called worse than an SOB in my lifetime, I was still a bit hesitant as it was a “conference.” She asked me to trust her. She introduced me to Liz Strauss via Twitter. I happened upon Terry Starbucker’s blog. These were the organizers. They didn’t suck. FINE! I’ll go, you nag. SOB apparently stood for something like Small Online Business. Sonofa…who knew?

The weekend I spent in Chicago for SOBCon in April of this year was one of the best of my professional life (and it sure as hell beat my first honeymoon by a mile). And now Liz and Terry are bringing SOBCon to Colorado for a 1.25 day event.

I’m not going to try to sell you on the conference. YOU need to decide if you feel the $31 per hour price tag is a reasonable investment for your business. But here’s what you can expect to find when you walk into the room (and I’ll bet it’s different than any other “conference” you’ve attended):

• There’s no one in the room that’s more important than anyone else
• Speakers are designed to spark conversations, not be the Holy Gospel (heck – each panel of two only has 20 minutes!)
• A community of business owners willing to SHARE
• A pleasant lack of poopy penguins trying to shove their business card in your face
• A significant lack of schwag – unless you consider a room full of people who are ready to help YOU move your business forward “schwag.” (For the record, I do.)
• People ready to challenge you to stop screwing around and start clobbering obstacles like it’s a Whack-a-Mole game.

I’m speaking on a panel with John Cushman, CEO of Solany LLC (a Denver-based document management & scanning/consulting firm). There are people from all walks of like and every line of business imaginable. And frankly, I’d love to meet you. I left April’s annual 3-day SOBCon event with the following:

• 3.2 million new contacts I was HAPPY to have in my Twitter stream
• Three people with whom I currently do business
• The understanding of where I want RedheadWriting LLC to go in the next year (and if you come to the conference, I’ll tell you about it – it’s not what you might think <insert Mission: Impossible theme here>)
• Friends. I simply can’t have enough of them. I even met people I’d communicated with for TWO YEARS online in person
• A new understanding of the alphabet thanks to Hank Wasiak (and if you don’t know this man, you should find a way to get that process moving).
• Two guest bloggers who have appeared on Redhead Writing (the no-BS and beautiful Carol Roth and the Apple-addicted Doyle Albee).
• And a boat load of things you’ll have to meet me to discover.

SOBCon isn’t about the “how to.”

It’s about the “how do YOU…”

It’s a dialogue – and I hope you’ll join us on September 17-18 here in Denver (OK – Broomfield, for the Boulder snobs who can’t bring themselves to drive to “Denver!”) It’s time for a business weigh-in.

Such is the way with asshats and defending your honor. I run into the same situation repeatedly, and this week, I’m taking aim.

I spend an inordinate amount of time hanging out and chatting with folks just like me – consultants. Small business owners. The fact that we’re not of epic proportion doesn’t mean we don’t bring value – it just means we foot the bill for our own health insurance. But there are people in my own backyard that ooze their smarm and I’m sick of it.

Check out this dude. According to his LinkedIn profile, he’s been an “expert” on LinkedIn, YouTube and Twitter since 1990.

Ummm…Yeah. Here’s the thing: YouTube was launched in 2005, LinkedIn launched in 2003 and Twitter in 2006.

He’s keyword stuffing, obviously, but it reeks of douche-tastic overtones.

This guy is in my own backyard here in Denver, Colorado. Ew, ew, ew. If you’re going to put yourself out there as a LinkedIn and social media expert, Mike – can I give you a few tips?

• Do your research and don’t establish yourself as an expert in a field before the field or platform…even existed.
• Don’t have a Twitter stream that filled with 90% broadcast-only messaging. Twitter and social media are places for conversations. Or do you charge people for that tasty nugget of knowledge?
• It’s awesome you’ve “figured out” LinkedIn and self-published a book on the subject. After reading your profile, I”m tempted to self-publish a book on the top 10 worst LinkedIn profiles with yours at the top as an example of self-indulgent keyword stuffing in bogus job fields. Fail, my good man. Fail.
• Really – you charge between $1,500 and $10,000 to show folks how to set up social media profiles, a basic WordPress blog (kinda like yours here, hosted ON WordPress.com?), and create Twitter & Facebook pages? Holy hell. Remind me to raise my prices, m’kay?

The reality is this: these people exist. How do you defend your honor against the asshats? Here are a few tips:

• References. If you’re like me and the identity of your clients is often confidential, let your prospective clients know that and offer to connect them with your clients confidentially.
• Best Practices. Follow them. Don’t be an expert – be a continual and willing student. Social media is a slippery slope and the best you can do is develop a solid knowledge base that’s going to morph (and delightfully so) with every footstep.
• Know Who You Are. You’re not going to be everything to everyone. Align yourself with those who cook what you can’t.
• Know Your Shit. In the end, only you can win a client. Clients will buy what they’re willing to be sold. I get clients day in, day out who were sold a bill of goods and then realize things aren’t working. I understand. It’s then we get to work setting them in the right direction.

There is no business that’s purely a number game. Twitter followers, Facebook fans, LinkedIn connections…they’re numbers, pure and simple. What you choose to DO with your network is one thing. How you choose to BUILD it is another. And here’s a hint – if you don’t do one of them properly, then the time you spent on the other is worth…well, jack.

PS: Check out an excellent read about competitors by @ShellyKramer – because really, Mike – I don’t want you to change a thing.

Have an outrageous Monday!

I’ll start off with a little snark: I didn’t expect much. I’ve been to waaaaaay to many charity events that were time sucks and time wasted that I can’t get back. Poor planning, horrific organization, silent auctions filled with crap that no one wants…I was looking at this as a night out of the house and figuring that if Jim invited me, there was something I needed to see.

Capital O.M.G. – Jim was right.

Simply stated and without sounding like I’m blowing smoke up ARTMA’s ass, every charity event I attend from here on out will have to rise to the bar they’ve set. I won three pieces throughout the evening’s silent auctions, and while I lost the brilliant piece depicting three eggs in a nest, I did win a mid-century modernesque wood sculpture that I can’t wait to hang. I’m going to give you a rundown on the successes and a few places where the 2012 event can excel even beyond 2010’s:

Visually Stunning: Whether you’re attending a conference or a charity event, people want to be wowed. It doesn’t take much, just some attention to detail and the understanding of what does and does not matter visually. The event was about the art, and the art auctions raised money for the foundation. When I arrived, I felt glad I’d put on some killer heels and a skirt – and if I hadn’t, I would have wished I had.

Remarkable Layout: Charity events and conferences alike are challenged with “fitting everything in.” ARTMA delivered in spades. Check-in, get your auction booklet, go to coat check and then you’re off to a wonderland of art. I have to share how they did this:

Comp bar inside the exhibition hall between two prominent live auction paintings

The room was comprised of silent auction galleries, beginning on your right hand side. The galleries closed at evenly spaced intervals (7:20, 7:40, 8:00, etc.) and in a counter-clockwise fashion around the exhibit hall. This kept the sense of urgency up to bid, kept people MOVING around the hall and allowed volunteers to quickly clear a closed auction gallery and send pieces off for packing and pickup ASAP.

Food was all the way at the back of the room and just enough to tide you over. The selection was brilliant, especially in the eyes of two gluten-free guests (though I did indulge in a lollicake from Simple Sugar, which I hereby dub the WIN of the evening in the food section).

Seating in the middle – limited, but enough to take a load off for a girl in 4 inch heels (hey – I’m 5′3″ on a GOOD day! I need all the help I can get…)

Cashiers – Ready to go? No sweat. Just give your auction booklet number to the volunteers, they give you a total, run your card. Within minutes, they’ve delivered each and every piece you won – bubblewrapped and complete with a receipt that clearly shows your tax deduction (wow).

The Right Size: All too often, we go to events that are overcrowded or make you feel like you’re a tadpole in an ocean. The event had 1000 guests (sold out!) and while the galleries were crowded, you could always navigate your way around the room. Kudos on this – it’s a difficult task.

Thoughts for 2012:

Second Chance Gallery – LOVED the fact that you took any piece that didn’t receive a minimum bid and placed it in a second chance gallery…but let me give you money! I tried to outbid someone on a piece I wanted desperately and was told “sorry.” Sad face for this redhead. How about 20 minutes of bidding and then before the next closed gallery’s pieces come in, you change the color of the bid sheet which makes it a “last chance” piece for minimum bid?

Eye Level - The pieces on tables between the galleries were often overlooked (I know – I got one for a song). Raise the display tables on these up to above waist level and you’ll have more eyes and more bids, I’ll bet.

Children’s Gallery - While I didn’t win any of the pieces created by the children (dangit), I did love that you had them in a separate area. Make this area in a featured location next year – like the entryway between those two large paintings and the first bar. After all – they’re the reason we were all invited.

Gallery Closings – Upon close, have volunteers go around and immediately highlight the winning bid. I’m pretty sure I lost 2 pieces from after-the-close bidders. While I’m delighted that it raised more funds, it’d be a way to even the score and keep things fair.

Anyone working with a nonprofit, on the board of one or organizing an event that’s designed to be a conference or a fundraiser, you could learn a thing or two from the Morgan Adams Foundation’s website and strategies above. There’s a reason they only do this every two years, and it shows. Simply splendid, I say. And if you can bring in 1000 people, I can’t wait until 2012 when my friend Lisa and I will attend again and see what you’ve done with 2000 people. I have no doubt that’s where you’re headed.

My peeps – what makes an event a success in YOUR book? I was surprised this weekend…tell me how you’ve been surprised.