Yes, Google! May I have another!?

Here’s the truth folks: Google beats me and I like it. I also occasionally take some fair swatting  from Yahoo! and MSN, less often from Alta Vista (but their spankings feel super niiiiiiice). Frankly, now that I think of it, I make a living out of spending my 8-to-5 bent over on some desk or another. And it’s all for my clients’ benefit.

Much akin to being in an abusive relationship, I’ve engaged with the hot quarterback from high school in a small rural town. His dad owns a farm, his cousins are known for their cow-tipping antics. Did I mention his dad owns a farm? Well, it’s not just a farm. It’s the biggest farm in the county. He also owns the land where the co-op grain silo stands. And the trucking company that hauls the grain from each of the farms to the silo each harvest. I think dad also owns the police department. Huh. Quite frankly, his dad owns everything. (I’m not even going to mention how creepy it is that Hot Quarterback calls him “Daddy.”)

So, I decided to make a life with Mr. Hot Quarterback and become Mrs. Hot Quarterback. I love him, see. He makes me swoon whenever he plants one of those burly kisses on my cheek and smacks me playfully on the ass while I’m cookin’ up somethin’ in the kitchen. I went to work for his daddy’s (ugh) company as a little computer gal so I could help out the family-n-all.

(read: Erika opted for a career as an SEO copywriter because she loves the challenge and constant problem solving involved with her day-to-day routine.)

Google smacks me on the ass a lot.

If you’re an SEO professional out there, it’s pretty likely that you’re getting smacked just as frequently as I am. Only difference is that I might look better bent over a desk than you do.

For the sake of my clients, I’m constantly embroiled in the ongoing discussion of the “Google algorithms” and how search engines determine your page ranking. Why does some piece of shit website with an ungodly amount of content beyond distillation rank a bloody 6 and an easy-to-navigate, user-friendly, well-traveled site earn a paltry 3? For fuck sake, Google. Help me out.

You told me to build backlinks. I complied.

You told me content was king. I wrote.

You told me you like keyword-rich anchor text. I stapled that shit down with some bomber keywords.

You told me blogs were good. I am a serious blogging mo-fo.

Like the wife of Mr. Hot Quarterback who’s daddy owns everything in town, I feel some days that I get smacked too much.  Google told me what my chores were – and I did them! Google keeps me on a short leash, issuing the almighty smack-down for black-hat practices and serious search engine nastiness. For the love of all that’s clickable, there are only so many blessed directories that you can list a site on.

But you keep changing the game, Google.

Your algorithms are like Mr. Hot Quarterback’s daddy – you own everything in town so I can’t go to the po-lice.

If I cross the county line into Yahoo!ville or MSNville, I’m going to get less traffic than your behemoth community can send me.

So I spend my days explaining to my friends at the beauty parlor why we had that argument at the Cracker Barrel on Sunday. *sigh*

But y’know? I love him. That hot quarterback of mine who’s put on 50 lbs. since we got married (he says it’s muscle)…he’s the love of my life. He’s introduced me to everyone wonderful in this little/big town we live in and I meet someone new every day. When he smacks me on the ass in the kitchen, I can’t help it but to giggle and blush a little bit.

Google – you can smack me anytime. I’m completely your bitch. All I ask is that, if I play by the rules and I play well, allow me a victory every now and then. And admittedly – you have. But as an SEO professional, I can’t really take my clients anywhere else (and you know that). I want them to be safe in your hands. So instead of giving me a smack-down when you change your algorithms, why don’t you put on that unassuming little polo rig like the guy in the picture above? I’ll put on some fishnets. Some pearls. We’ll have a party –  big, wicked search engine party and I’ll get excited when you double-click my mouse. Go ahead – put “naughty” in the search box. We’ll see what pops up in the results.