While it might seem intuitive to some, others are epic fucktards about the etiquette of the referral process. While Snarketing entries are usually reserved for visual representations of poor marketing, this installment is a little Miss Manners for the referral impaired.

How to Not be a Fucktard in the Referral Process

1. When making a referral to someone, it would be nice if the party receiving the referral hit you up with a “Yo – thanks!” They do not OWE you anything. They do not OWE you a reciprocal referral. They do not OWE you lunch. Hell, they don’t even OWE you thanks. Making a referral involves grabbing Karma by the balls. What comes around goes around.
2. Understand the protocol of the referral. If you’re referring a client to a strategic partner, outline how the relationship will flow. Will YOU manage the relationship? Is it an “open white label” situation? Whose responsibility is billing? Be clear.
3. If someone gives you a referral to a strategic partner, it’s incredibly douchy to go around the person who referred you and ask this new person if you can “deal with them directly.” What you’re saying is, “Wow – this is awesome and I’m glad to have met this person! I’d sure love to ass rape the person who referred me by seeing if I can cut them out of the deal! YEAH!”
4. If you ever find a strategic partner with whom you have a referral arrangement cutting you out of the deal or working some side magic/discount pricing on their own, here’s the easiest way to deal:
   1. Let them know that YOU know what they’ve done.
   2. Hire a shady PI to take compromising pictures of that person with a hooker.
   3. Never do business with them again.
   4. Kicking in the nuts/clam is optional (yet highly rewarding).
5. Karma is a cold hearted bitch, and if you doubt me, go ahead and indulge in any of the asshattery outlined above. 98 pigeons will shit on your freshly-washed car inside of 48 hours.

Here endeth the snark.

What the HELL are you doing?

You position yourself as a professional with words. You tell people what you do and that you’re gosh darn good at it, frankly. Yet you keep doing shit that makes you look like a side show act in a two-penny circus.

Business Card Magnets and Stress Balls – They’re ugly, stupid and a waste of money. Do you really think that when I need a real estate professional I’m going to wander over to the front of my fridge for some divine wisdom? No, I’m not. I’m going to call the realtor who’s a friend. Or a friend of a friend. Or who came on referral somehow. Instead of spending $500 a year on dumb ass magnets that have you staring at me every time I go to grab the spinach from the crisper, why don’t you align yourself with a local charity and make a donation commitment for the next 5 years…ask to be considered for the board. Invest your time where it will do some good and change lives while building the relationships you need to sustain and grow your business. The same goes for stress balls. My dog shreds them in 5 minutes flat and craps blue foam for a week. They are useless and generally end up causing me MORE stress. They’re not cheap, either. Quit wasting money. While my dog loves you at first, he hates you in the end (and with his hind end).

Free Business Cards from VistaPrint or Homemade Cards – G.H.E.T.T.O. That’s all I have to say. Why would I do business with anyone who won’t invest a few dollars in themselves to put forth a professional printed appearance? It’s no different than “free hosting” services that populate your site with ads (and that’s bullshit, too). If you can’t afford $21.99 for some kickass, easy-to-make business cards from a place like Moo, you probably need to go work for someone who’s going to give you business cards. And yeah, I know – who even USES business cards anymore, right? Lots of people and more than you’d think. Pull your head out of your ass and (1) pay to have them designed, and/or (2) go to a site that makes it easy for you to do it yourself. Just STOP doing it yourself and promoting someone else in the process.

Stock Logos: OMFG – Yeah, I need to address this. When designing your own business cards, stop it with the stock logos. Are you a stock company? No, you’re not. If you’re going to own a business, you need your own corporate identity. There are people who do that for a living and it doesn’t have to be expensive (for crying out loud – just ASK ME! I know FAB people!). Your brand is an investment. It says who you are, why you’re different and what people can expect from you. If it doesn’t, it sucks (and you either paid too much or didn’t know what a brand was supposed to do before you paid someone to develop one).

Are there more bullshit business practices I’ve missed? Share with me, monkeys…share. The Redhead wants to know. The bottom line is your business is worth the investment. Stop taking the low road and thinking you can do it all yourself. Go ask Richard Branson if he designed the Virgin logo. I’m bettin’ he says no. Treat yourself like a firm worthy of a professional presence and if you’re a graphic designer, great – but stop trying to be a writer and a web designer. If you’re a web designer, stop trying to be a writer. If you’re a plumber, just get my damn toilet working. Do what YOU do. Leverage others to make you look good getting it done.

Let me guess: I can work from home and make signs like THIS and earn a million dollars? (courtesy of @Elisa_Hebert)

This website…holy hell (click here for the full effect).

Your mission...should you choose to accept it...is to purchase property in Summit County, Colorado. OR DIE!!! What. The. Fuck. (courtesy of @TimeforCake)

And a total WIN:

The actual bathroom stalls in the Ladies' Room at The Curtis Hotel in Denver. Total WIN.

Have a Snarketing-worthy sighting? Drop me an email at erika [at] redheadwriting [dot] com. I give credit where credit is due…and remember: your marketing will always be memorable – whether for reasons wrong or right is YOUR choice!

So I began to wonder: how many self-professed ninjas are on Twitter? Am I surrounded? Are there LOTS of them? Should I be afraid?

So I did a search. The answer? 5,712.

Five thousand ninjas. Almost SIX thousand. Holy hell, we’re screwed. I just locked my back door.

How did the world become overrun with ninjas? Why hasn’t CNN run a story on the epidemic? It’s like ninjas have moved in and killed everyone in Vail, CO and started breeding. I wonder if ninjas ski…Hmmm…

Anywhoo -

Here’s a tip: if you’re really a ninja, no one knows.

WHY?!? Because they can’t see you!!!

Ninjas are stealthy. Discretion-laden. They’re the freakin’ Spanish Inquisition: nobody expects them.

I’m thinking that, especially in light of last week’s “expert explosion,” people might be best-served by letting others decide what they are and what they’re not. The right people know. The wrong people realize what you’re not.

So, here’s a tip, Ninjas: maybe you should consider discretion, else the entire world who’s really in the know about the essence of ninjas will know you’re full of shit.

I sat down this weekend and said to myself: “Self, where will Redhead Writing go in 2010?” After we crossed Tahiti off the list, the more important question came to mind: “How will I know when we get to where we’re going?” Since there’s no GPS for blogging to get you from where you are to where you want to be, the best I figured I could do is put together a set of metrics as a move-forward tactic for Redhead Writing. Hell, I do it for my clients. Time to sack-up and start doing it for myself.

Metric 1: Blog Subscribers

Subscribers come in two formats and a few iterations: email and RSS feed. RSS feed can be broken down further into Google Reader subscribers (easily tracked), other readers and pure RSS feed.  You need to monitor all three of these to establish move-forward metrics for measuring blog growth and success.

Email subscribers: I burn my feed with Feedburner. It has a robust set of marketing and subscription tools and also tracks email subscribers to your blog for you. To view this information, just go to Publicize/Email Subscriptions and scroll down until you see View Subscriber Details. They even let you export your subscriber list as a .csv file. Booyah.

Google Reader subscribers: Just go to Google Reader and click the “Add a Subscription” button in the top left corner. Enter the name of your blog (or anyone’s for that matter) and you’ll see how many people subscribe to your blog via Google Reader. Note that this number does NOT include other reader types. As everything Google, it’s an island. I have boatloads more RSS subscribers than Google Reader subscribers and I have to track each independently.

RSS subscribers: Since I use Feedburner to administer my RSS feed, I can just log into Feedburner and check my growth stats regularly. Doing this monthly (along with the other tracking above) will keep me apprised of what’s hot, what sucks and what I should emulate moving forward.

Metric 2: Tease and Tweet

It’s not dirty, so stop it. If you have a blog and you’re not using Twitter…umm…what? I’m not even going to discuss it. You need to track a few things to measure blogging success: teaser headlines and retweets.

Teaser Headlines: How do you lead in a link to a blog post? People are curious by nature but they want to be enticed to click on something. That’s where headlines come in. I track not only the headlines I attach to a link but the blog link itself. I will generally tweet a blog post morning and afternoon during prime reading times and use a different headline each time. Make yourself a spreadsheet to track your headlines and be sure to use a trackable URL shortening service like bit.ly for all links to your own domain. (Why you shouldn’t use Ow.ly for links to your domain….)

Retweets: If you’re running a self-hosted WordPress installation, there are many plugins out there that will track your retweets. I personally use Digg Digg, and you’ll see the Digg and Tweet icons at the top of this post underneath my SocioFluid social bookmarking bar. You can encourage people to retweet directly from the post, or if they retweet through Twitter, the plugin will pick up those pings and add them to your count. Go through your posts on a monthly basis and see what’s hot. Your URL shortening service will also help you track most clicked and shared content through the system’s built-in analytics.

Metric 3: Google Analytics and Lijit

If you don’t have Google Analytics installed for your blog, get thee to Google and get that shit taken care of, yo? There’s a simple WordPress plugin for Google Analytics. Just set up your GA account and plug in your tracking code – and in BAM! You’re tracking stats Emeril-style. I use GA in conjunction with Lijit. WTF is Lijit? One of the coolest tracking tools EVAH. It enables a high-powered search function on your site. Your blog visitors can search your site, your social content and your network’s content for awesome results. It doesn’t replace GA but is a dandy compliment to GA’s stats. Need more info? Well, first of all – it’s FREE. Download and plugin. Secondly, give @tarable a follow on Twitter (one of my lovely co-presenters at the upcoming Chicks Who Click Denver event this coming weekend, 1/23). She’ll be happy to hook you up with answers and the people who can help you make your blog more “Lijit.”

Metric 4: Data, Data, Data

Why do you have a blog if you’re not tracking this stuff? Set goals. I want X number of subscribers by X date. I want to send out email communications X times per year. I will tweet content X times per day. I will bookmark all posts with X social bookmarking services. I track ALL of this information for my clients and yet – I have been lax in doing it for my own business. Well, no more. All of this data is mine for the asking. It takes 1 hour per month to gather your stats, so don’t you owe yourself an hour to grow your reach, audience and brand affinity? Tracking is as simple as an Excel/Numbers spreadsheet. Personally, I’m delighted I am weaning myself off of the hateful Microsoft products since I now own a Mac (applause, please). But I digress. Track your shit, just don’t track it in the house. Wipe those shoes and keep your blog clean, organized and growing.

The bottom line: you can’t track your blog’s success by just looking at Google Analytics or Subscribers. If you see one, you’re missing the other. Never forget that your online community, while seemingly united, is actually highly fragmented. Everyone has their own preferred method of content delivery. You may have 500 RSS subscribers who never EVER click through to your site per month because they’re getting you in their feed or reader. Now the key is: how do you get people to click through and visit your site if they get content in your reader? Tune in Friday, my pets. Tune in Friday.

You took the time to start a blog, but on occasion you think WTF? How can I get more traffic and make this freakin’ thing work for me and my company? If you find yourself floating around the blogosphere without some sort of plan, you’re no more than a jellyfish in the cyber sea. Give your efforts structure and create a solid foundation for building your blog into a powerful marketing tool. Pimp your cyber ride with these three easy-to-execute blog-boosting tips.

TIP 1: Archives are Your Friend We should all write more and post more frequently, but what about those days where you just don’t feel like you have something new to say? Tap into those blog archives. Once or twice a week, find some evergreen content in your previous posts and share a link to older work that still applies. You’re not posting new content, but making your audience aware of content they may not have seen New to them, new to their network and best of all, you’re driving traffic to pages of your blog that aren’t frequently seen.

TIP 2: Give Yourself Some Link Love It’s easy to introduce your blog readers to more content in your blog with one simple tool: links. If you’re a blogger and still running on a WordPress.com or Blogger platform, you might want to learn how to Stop Being a WordPress Whore. If you’re new to social media (or not), you may get a chuckle out of How to Be Annoying on Twitter in Three Easy Steps. By referring to older posts in your newer posts, you’re not only driving traffic to other pages of your site, you’re enhancing your reader’s experience by giving them more than they asked for. I find some of the most interesting content this way!

TIP 3: Pimp Rides – No Strings I spend on the average of two hours per day reading other bloggers and news articles. Many times, these other bloggers inspire a post. Give them a shout out (and be sure to include a screen tip – it’s nice). Here’s a simple process for getting this done:

1. You find a post that inspires you. Let’s say it’s this one.
2. Write your post and give a hyperlink back to the original article and author like this: Five Guaranteed Cash-Generating Business Tips (Kinda) by Redhead Writing.
3. Mouse over the hyperlinked text above – there’s a screen tip. Don’t forget a screen tip. It’s just damn nice.
4. Send the blogger a message on Twitter or through their blog, thanking them for the inspiration, and provide a link to your blog where you mention their post.

Funny – what sometimes happens is the blogger will share your post with their network. While it doesn’t always happen, it’s really cool when it does. You gave your readers a link to great content, published new content and showed integrity when crediting a source. High-freakin’-five!

Feed your social media efforts with care

Every Sunday, I stop at the grocery store. I generally grab some fresh flowers and various odds and ends – but there’s one thing I never forget: a bag of apples. And no – I’m not worried about keeping the doctor away.

On my way into work and while running around town each day, there’s always someone standing on the corner with a sign. Someone whose life is in a different place than mine. The apples are for them. Yeah, I’m the asshole who holds-up traffic as I roll through the stoplight at a snail’s pace because I’m handing someone an apple.

One day it was a med student with a sign asking for tuition money. This past Friday, it was a rather clever sign that said, “You’re getting very sleepy…you will give me money.” Another was (my all-time fave), “I know – get a job bum!”

No matter what the sign says, there’s an apple.

In a time where we’re faced with a challenging economy and businesses are all seemingly scraping and battling for the same customer, this week’s blog is about buying your business a bag of apples. I’m talking about altruism, and it applies to your business, your social media efforts and pretty much life in general.

Let’s consider: how much of a jerk would I be if, after doling out an apple to someone in need, I stood there waiting for them to do something for me in return?

It’s no different in your business and personal life. I’m annoyed by those who dangle the carrot, interested more in their own bottom line than the lining of someone else’s stomach.

Let me preface the remainder of this (short) entry by saying that no one gets up in the morning and goes to work for free. Business, by design, is to generate revenue. There are plenty of incredible people out there who make livings out of teaching others how to do things – but most of them don’t call themselves “experts” or “gurus.”  They’re consultants and their businesses thrive (just like yours) on referrals from other satisfied customers.

But in social media, business and your own life, how cool is it when you happen upon a tasty morsel – and you didn’t have to pay for it?

When no one said:

“Sure, I’ll tweet your blog if you pimp my (piece of shit) eBook that runs my readers $29.95.”

“Yeah, I’ll help you move if you help me pick up the dog crap in my backyard.”

Life brings us surprises each and every day and if you’re using social media to drive your business’ bottom line and not seeing results: you’re doing it wrong. Remember that awesome line out of the 80’s classic file “Mr. Mom” when Michael Keaton’s kids told him “you’re doing it wrong?” He didn’t believe them until a fellow parent came along and confirmed it: “You’re doing it wrong.”

Stop taking the “220…221…whatever it takes” approach to your social media efforts and get in there with a bag of apples. Stop being concerned about what you’ll get in return from your blog posts (and by the way, this blog monetizes itself only through referrals and readers who have become clients – and thanks to all of you). Stop being the undeniable douchebag whose StumbleUpon and Twitter stream are filled with “guru” and “expert” statements and lack any sort of conversation. Just stop already.

When someone asks a question, respond with heartfelt personal experience. If it’s relevant, link them to one of your blog entries or an article you’ve written on the topic. Share a blog comment. Engage.

When someone needs a retweet (it’s people helping people), tweet it. Even if it’s outside of the topics you generally talk about with your followers, lick it and stick it in your stream. They’ll appreciate it. Especially if it’s something like THIS from @manicmother – I don’t know her, but shit. The least I can do is share this with my readers and hope it helps.  Her infant son has cancer and faces 3 years of chemo. Fuck cancer.

Stop faciliating bad social media behavior. Quit rewarding the disingenuous, the number hounds, gurus and experts with follow-backs and tit-for-tat moves that don’t do anything except piss off your true fans and those who look to your content for advice and on occasion, a laugh.

Fill your social media basket with altruism like I fill the passenger seat of my car with apples. You don’t have to give away the pie in order to let your peers have a nosh on your apples of knowledge. And unlike the whole mythical Adam & Eve scenario, you’re never going to get bashed for sharing the fruits of your labor. Quit marketing and start conversing.

So yeah – apples.

Get some. Some weeks, I go through 2 bags – a mere $3.89 each. I never even realize how many I’ve given away until I’m on my last one.

Then give some.

And then walk away…with your hands in your pockets, not extended for the reciprocal handout.

And unlike in social media, the folks on the corner I give the apples to always say “thank you.”

I wonder why that is.

It’s all a matter of perspective. And thankfully, he laughed.

We often find ourselves surrounded in both business and life by those who actively choose to be passive. Who allow life or their business to run THEM instead of the other way around. As a preamble to the 2008 holiday season, I wanted to send my readers face-first into their turkey sandwiches and shopping frenzies with some heavy thoughts for both business and your personal life. In scathing Redhead fashion, here’s my unsolicited thoughts on how to run towards something in life instead of continuing to run from everything.

If it’s not working, change it.

Are you stuck in square peg-round holeville? Einstein’s definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again in expectation of different results. You’ve got to mix it up, change it around, and sometimes — throw the entire bloody thing out the window if you’re ever going to get anywhere. Some of my favorite song lyrics of all-time are from a group called The Kills and their song “Good Ones.” Once in awhile, once in ahwile ya gotta burn down your house to keep your dreamin’ alive. Afraid of starting over? See the next point.

Fear is a four-letter word.

Your mom and dad smacked the crap out of you for saying “crap” when you were a kid and your stint on this mortal coil was threatened if you dared utter one of the “worse” words. Now as adults, we’ve got no fear of dropping the f-bomb, heli-skiing, motorcycle riding, bungee jumping or running a red light, but we’ve got this thing about “change.” It freaks us out. My advice? Stop worrying about what I call the “Udda Sisters.” They’re Shoulda, Coulda and Woulda. If you spend all of your time thinking about what might have been instead of what actually IS, you’re sticking yourself in a helpless position of fear and passivity. Take the leap, whether it’s one of faith or otherwise, and get something done. Shake up your world. I’d rather hear someone use the f-bomb than the other four-letter f-word (fear). You’re an adult – nobody’s going to smack you for not being afraid.

There’s a conversation you’ve been waiting to have. Have it.

One thing I’ve gotten extraordinarily better at in my life (though I still work on it daily) is my ability to initiate what could be uncomfortable conversations. No one wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings (and those who do aren’t worth talking to anyways), but those conversations we dread are the ones that leave us a hundred pounds lighter. If you’re afraid of the other person’s/party’s reaction, think about your wants and need beforehand. This is relevant in both business and your personal like. When you enter a conversation with intention and purpose, you’re positioning yourself as a winner. When you have these conversations, though, brig an open mind and ear to the table with you. Nobody wants to talk to a wall and dialogs are always more fun than diatribes.

If you hate your job, get a new one.

This one pisses me off. Seriously. Folks, I know the “economy is bad” and many people are “just grateful to have jobs.” This doesn’t mean you can’t find a new one. What it means is if you’re a fuck-off and just a total suck on an employer’s payroll, you’re going to have a tough time finding work. But those aren’t the people who read my blog. Each person reading this is pretty much a rock star in their given field and chosen vocation. If you hate where you’re at, you all have the tools, skills and means to break out from the crowd and position yourself as a valuable and value-adding asset to the employer of your choice. So quit bitching. Do it already. (there’s no hugging here)

Real friends – find them.

It takes being a good friend in order to have good friends. The real ones don’t care about the car your drive, the clothes you wear, if you’re married/divorced/have kids/have no kids. They care about you. Have a long look at your roster of friends and see who really qualifies. Who takes more than they give? Who’s there every time you end up in the emergency room (thanks John Mueller)? Who never has cash when you go on a lunch run? Who calls you out of the blue on Sunday afternoon just to catch up? Real friends will get you through any crisis in life and you’ll be excited to be their friend in return. And hopefully they’ll tell you when that purple skirt or “cool” shirt you like so much really looks like crap on you — and they won’t use the word crap. They’ll issue you a friendly yet stern, “Jeez…WTF?!” and tell you to burn it.

Colleagues – appreciate them.

They’re your 9-to-5. The life blood of your business. They’re the people who let you do the business that you do. Take a minute and say thanks. We don’t say thank you enough in our business lives (unless someone is saving our ass and then we pee thanks all over their desks). And if you can’t find a reason to say thanks, check out the point above about finding a new gig. If you surround yourself with colleagues you admire, respect and who challenge you to become a better business person, odds are you’ll have plenty to be thankful about!

Time – take some and make some.

Think back this year about all of the times you said you didn’t have time to do something. My take on it is that we always have the time — but sometimes we choose to not make it. Life’s about priorities, and sometimes first things are first and we truly don’t have the time to spend one some things because we’re actively (or passively out of avoidance) choosing to spend time on other pursuits. This is FINE. Just be honest with yourself and those surrounding you about where your time priorities are. And then always take some time for yourself. MAKE the time for yourself. There’s a ton to be said for hanging out with friends, spending the rare Sunday afternoon on the couch napping or indulging yourself with a last-minute getaway. And you don’t always have to do these things WITH someone. Sometimes it’s a hot date with YOU, buddy. Get rowdy. (insert bad kitty meow)

Make your list – check it twice.

It’s YOUR list and it’s time to be your own Santa. What is it that YOU want? Stop waiting for the Universe to bring you things and identify the things you want. In business and your personal life, to not have lists (be they virtual or written, no matter) is to be passive. Now lists aren’t the place for solving the Middle East crisis with methods and mechanics. They’re a place for identification. I think you’ll be surprised that, once you identify your wants, the methods and mechanics for achieving them will begin to emerge. As a rock climber, I was told long ago that if I didn’t know where to put my hands next, try moving my feet as it’s likely that as soon as I moved my feet up, I’d be able to see my next series of hand holds. This is, without a doubt, the finest piece of advice I’ve ever received for both rock climbing and daily living. Make your list. Move your feet. The rest will come.

Stop reacting and start acting.

Remember all those times you set your mind to something and you did it? All I’m sayin’ is that if there’s movement in your life, be the creator. From your family to business to friends to the line at the supermarket, set your life in motion and stop reacting to the world around you. In my case, I’ve found it’s pretty cool to have the world around me be the one I want to live in. Why is it like that? Because I created it. I went after the career I wanted and did it without fear (granted, a few “oh shits” along the way but nothing that wouldn’t wash out). I allowed the people into my life who want to share life with me instead of asking me to constantly live theirs for them. I’m fortunate and I’ve worked hard for what I enjoy each day, and I credit the majority of it to my intolerance for being idle and passion for setting out on new paths or delving deeper into ones I’m already walking.

So there it is, my dear readers. Redhead wisdom to learn and live by. You can think I’m full of shit or you can take away one or two things and set your world on its head and find the cool stuff that lies beyond. In the comments on this one, please feel free to share your own “Call to Action” with my readers. What inspired/inspires you? Where do you find your inner flame? What’s the key to your kick-ass work environment? I want to hear about it.

And with that, I’ll leave you with thanks for being so patient as I know it’s been a long time since my last post. I went to Tanzania, climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, moved to Denver and started on a new chapter in my writing career. Special thanks to all my readers who asked the “WTF?!?!? Where’s the new post?”  Here it is. Long overdue and hopefully what you’ve come to expect from The Redhead.  Check out the picture below…and the photo I’m holding is of my grandparents, Elsie and Harold Jensen. Melancholy that they’re no longer with us? Never. I opted for the melon collie.

The Redhead on the Summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro 9/27/08

In every professional’s life, there comes a time where the question is begged: do I keep this client or do I let them go?

Not always a black-and-white scenario, mind you, I mean, its not like you just caught your girlfriend in bed with the top account executive from your biggest competitor. While some might be inclined to rationalize that situation (if you are one of them, I kindly refer you to a useful list of self-help blogs), it’s not always as simple as cold, hard facts in your face.

There are financial considerations, the value of the relationship, and a relationship’s potential to bring you more business down the line. And finally, there’s the question of Who’s Running Who?

Today, we’re going to take a look at some questions you can ask yourself when evaluating your client list. We can all learn a little from the bearded sage when it comes to client retention.

Know When to Hold ‘Em

They’re your favorite clients. They pay their bills on-time (or at least they’re predictably late and still pay). Its’s the work you enjoy, or perhaps enjoy not so much but at the day’s end, the client is happy with your work and sends you referrals.

Or…

They’re a complete pain in the ass. You cringe when you see their number on called ID. They phone you more than an unemployed guy trying to win NASCAR tickets from the local radio station. They’re famous for changes at the 11th hour and will predictably shift blame (to you, of course) when a deadline is missed because they didn’t get you stuff in time. But they pay. And occasionally you share a laugh or two.

Where is the line that lets you feel good about keeping a client? Here’s my own personal metrics and I’d love to hear your thoughts as well.

1. Appreciation (definitely pocket 10’s or higher): I’ll bend-over backwards…hell, I’ll even let ‘em take photos of me doing it…for a client who is appreciative. Piss me off, run me around, make me want to work at Starbucks. But if you pay your bills and say thank you, treating me with common decency, I consider you a keeper.
2. Communication (hard to beat, but pocket Kings at least): They’re the clients/customers that tell us their expectations and are adept at communicating them – conscisely, efficiently and without argument. They’re also known as a rare freakin’ thing. However, if I have clients with whom I’ve established a line of communication, are open to a two-way street and understand that the better I make their product/project look – the better THEY look…those, my friend, are keepers.
3. Volume (a solid pair of Queens): Along with the appreciative client comes the consideration of work volume. Are they a client who sends you dribs and drabs and it’s always a firehose mentality when they call (it’s on, need it yesterday and of course, “within budget”)? Or are they they client who provides you with a predictable workload, adheres to schedules (or something resembling one) and can you establish a rapport with the client that will lead to a better working relationship over the long-term? Volume/predictable workflow clients move up my personal food chain.
4. Referrals (pocket Aces every time and you flopped a set): Huge. No matter what business you’re in, your ability to generate more business is always important. Whether for your company or your own shingle, you’re looking for the endorsement-based marketing of The Referral. A client who is tedious and demanding yet sends me referrals is higher on my food chain than even the nicest of clients who never mention my name to anyone. Just think: you’re happy to refer a co-worker to your vet’s office for Sparky’s annual exam. I take every referral I personally dole-out as a confident endorsement of another professional. Clients who don’t understand this are missing the boat. Down the food chain with you, I say.

Know When to Fold ‘Em

When do you let go?

Money’s tight. Every dollar affects your bottom line. How could you possibly consider letting a client go?
Gasp…

FIRE a client?

Good ‘ol Kenny says that there’s a time to fold ‘em and I couldn’t agree more. While you can discern from the above what I think are the qualities of “keeper” clients, here’s a list of complete dealbreakers for me. Again, I’d love your thoughts on your own dealbreakers. And might I say – if you’ve never fired a client…you might want to take a look at your client list!

1. Lack of Appreciation (or a 10-2 offsuit): If a client never says thank you (and believe me, they’re out there), it’s time to consider the future of your relationship whether they pay their bills or not. While personalities vary, there’s a rule in business for expressing appreciation. If you don’t and you consistently make demands on me for my time and services, you’re not so interested in a good business relationship as your project. Possible fold, I might see the turn card though.
2. Poor Financial Responsibility (pocket deuces when the board plays): My mortgage company doesn’t wait. My credit cards don’t wait. A client who consistently pays their invoices/bills late or has to be nagged is a liability in my bookkeeping. I’m human and understand an oversight, an apology, a circumstance out of your control. I’ll work with clients on a case-by-case basis. But it’d better be good. You’d be just as pissed if I paid YOUR bill late. Show me the same courtesy, else you’re off the island when the opportunity arises.
3. Lack of Respect (they guy to your right has Aces up his sleeve): We all work hard. We all, I’d like to think, do our best to deliver a superior product for our clients. When clients choose to berate you, swear at you (and I can swear here ’cause it’s MY blog) or show you anything less than the respect you’re due as a human being, it’s time to tell them to hit the pavement. They might pay their bills, but here’s where you make the conscious choice between being a whore for the paycheck or a respected professional who is IN business and doesn’t NEED just any business.

While the above might seem cut and dry, it’s not. We’re all faced with difficult business decisions each and every day. And we’ve all LOST a client because a relationship deteriorated. I’m advocating being conscious when it comes to analyzing your client list, and it’s likely you’ve got some less-than-optimal ones on your books.

Decide who you are, determine the costs. Recognize the value of the services you provide. We’re all valued professionals, and since I can swear here since it’s my blog: Don’t allow anyone to screw you. Call bullshit on it – and the same goes for your clients. They can call bullshit on you, too.

The best advice from The Gambler? Know when to walk away, know when to run.

small print disclaimer: The Redhead plays poker

Online dating: spending money to find love online?

I’m a serial monogamist. The “dating” thing eludes me. Perhaps that’s why my list of clients remains long and my list of suitors short:

It’s by design.

See, my clients are after a target customer or demographic. Just like me when it comes to dating. After having been a paying customer or lurker on several online dating sites (’cause “it’s OK to look”), a conversation this week brought me to the realizations below about how I’ve handled my online presence in the world of romance. I was practicing my own best advice to my clients when it comes to branding, SEO and SEM practices — and I didn’t even know it.

For those out there reading this who aren’t savvy in the fields of marketing-speak throughout, have faith. I’ll give you fancy pop-ups and definitions to go with my online dating advice. And I guarantee, none of the links will lead to porn sites.

Shall we? Let’s put on our cybersuits and delve into the online dating pool.

Online Dating and Branding

You’re unique. Yeah, you’re real unique.

Everyone is “unique.” So why the hell are you so special?

A company that puts out a product or service that doesn’t differentiate itself from the competition is poised to fail from the get-go. Once in a blue moon, you find the rare instance of a wanna-be that ekes out an existence, but is that why you went into business in the first place? To eke?

Successful companies have a clear identity. A clearly-defined brand. Customers know what to expect, what they’re buying and the terms and conditions under which they’re acquiring that good or service. It’s no different in online dating.

Ladies:

• Every one of us is “just as comfortable in a cocktail dress” as we are in jeans
• We’re all looking for someone to laugh with
• We all “work hard and play hard”
• And everyone (well, I think most everyone) is looking for a man who will love them and, on occasion, make them feel like a princess.

Gents:

• Most of you like sports, cars and beer
• You’re all looking for an “honest, loyal” woman (i.e.: one that ain’t gonna cheat on you, and if she is, at least not with your best friend)
• You want a girl you can “just hang-out with”
• The majority of you don’t spend hours at the mall and would prefer that’s what a chick just went and did without you, leaving you to a day with guys doing whatever you feel (or DON’T feel) like doing.

Those are givens.

Since women aren’t looking for an overweight ogre who will use them merely as an automatic beer dispenser every time they head for the kitchen and men aren’t looking for clingy, psycho Glenn Close/Bunny Nemesis type, it’s time to do some research.

There are a multitude of online dating sites that let you scope-out the competition, so why not start running your personal life and search for Happily Ever After more like a business? Successful businesses understand their competition, so get online and do exactly what Match.com says is perfectly acceptable:

It’s OK to Look!

Get in there and take a tour of your “competitors” – the other people in your age, physical stature and life demographic. See what those folks are saying about themselves. I think you’ll be surprised how similar most of the profiles appear.

Now for the tough question: what makes YOU different?

Are you an irreverent smart-ass?
Do you collect 19th century coins?
Have you climbed Mt. Everest?
Are you a stark-raving Led Zepplin fan with a portrait of the entire band tattooed across your chest?

Your online dating profile should reflect both your core qualities and your quirks (ever read a bottle of Smart Water?) This is your love life, folks. If you’re going to actually go to the trouble of paying a membership fee (or not…lots of free sites out there…ew) and actively search for someone to share your valuable personal hours with, why not actually get something that resembles what you’re looking for?

A fair and honest representation of your personal brand – your personality – is the beginning of a more rewarding online dating endeavor. When someone checks out your profile, let them know what they’re getting, what your personal brand represents, and what they can expect if they actually earn the opportunity to meet you. And don’t get me started on photos. Post current photos that look like you, because when I go to the car dealership to buy a 2008 Honda Accord, I’m looking for the Accord I saw in the Saturday paper … not an ‘86 Ford F-150 with the left side made entirely of bondo.

Truth in advertising. A key element of any successful brand.

Online Dating in SEO Terms

Truth in Advertising: photo by Natalie Dee

So, you log into your dating site du jour and it gives you a gazillion search options. Age, marital status, kids, eye color, hobbies … the list is endless. Guess what: those are keywords. Just as if you were on Google and shopping for the latest Star Trek boxed set of DVDs or the best deal on that indispensible Fendi purse, online dating  sites are nothing but glorified search engines for sex. (there, I said it)

In addition to those nifty “long tail URLs” (threw that one in there for the SEO geeks like me), your entire profile is a collection of keywords. When you sit down to write that “In Your Own Words” section or whatever the heck the dating sites are calling it these days, think of the words that describe the core of your person:

Irreverent Smart Asses: who are your favorite comics and TV shows?

19th Century Coin Collectors: uh, say you collect 19th century coins or list a favorite coin or something

Mt. Everest Climbers: words like alpinist, mountaineering, climbing, snow and hiking could be key

Tattooed Led Zepplin Fans: maybe mention the band by name and the fact that you have tattoos

Why is this important? Because several sites allow you to search by keyword.

If you think of the run-of-the-mill profiles you came across in your Research Phase (see Branding section above), who goes into an online dating site and searches for nice, cool, funny, or cars? Just as if you were in a regular search engine searching for something specific, make the words in your profile ring specific.

For example, when I would do keyword searches, I’d use terms like “rock climbing,” “mountaineering,” “alpine” and “climbing.” Found several nifty men with whom I had quite a bit in common, a few of with which I’ve enjoyed multiple dates and enduring friendships. A hell of a lot EASIER and MORE PRODUCTIVE than just putting in age and other general demographics and then having to trudge through the search results with a fine-toothed comb.

Optimize your dating profile for the same reasons businesses optimize their websites:

to attract a better-qualified lead.

Online Dating in SEM Terms

The majority of online dating sites have a membership fee. Personally, I like the minimum level of commitment that it takes a person to fork over whatever-ninety-nine a month to engage in the whole process. Kind of a low water mark, if you will.

So if you’re going to spend the money, why ya gonna screw around?

You’re online, you’re web-savvy. Perhaps you found the online dating site from a search engine query in the first place. You know those 3 listings in yellow at the top of the Google search results and all those little listings down the right-hand side of the page? Well, companies pay for those ads. Those are called pay-per-click (PPC) ads.

When someone clicks on one of those ads, the company who posted the ad pays a “per-click” fee to the search engine. In other words, those companies are paying to be seen at the top of the search results by consumers like YOU who are searching for what THEY sell. Companies also budget for these PPC campaigns in their monthly or annual marketing budget.

Just like online dating.

Your monthly membership fee is your PPC ad spend, or monthly advertising budget.

There’s a reason that Campmor, North Face and Patagonia come up in the paid search results when you search for “outdoor gear” – because these companies feel people searching for the term “outdoor gear” are a good spend of their advertising dollars. They’re consumers searching for something specific, something they have to sell, and it’s possible you could be a qualified lead and convert to a customer.

It’s time you started thinking of your online dating site membership as your monthly Pay-Per-Click advertising budget.

If you’re going to spend the dough on putting yourself out there for others to see in the online dating marketplace, wouldn’t it behoove you to have your marketing dollars attract qualified leads?

Wrapping it Up

Here are some tips that can help you make your online dating experience a well-crafted one from a Branding, SEO, and Search Engine Marketing (SEM) perspective. These all go back to the previous points I’ve mentioned and bring it all together in one convenient, vertitas-laden package of personal experience:

• Build an accurate profile. Who are you? What drives you? Represent your personal brand well. There’s no one that brings to this world what YOU do, so put it out there and be proud. Post current photos, keep your profile updated if it’s taking longer to find Mr. or Ms. “Right Now.” Understand your competition and set out to represent yourself as the dynamic individual you are. Hell, even if you’re a twin – I guarantee you bring a floatie to the dating pool that your biological cohort doesn’t! Fair and accurate representation of your You Product ensures that, once your customer (i.e. date candidate) arrives, they’re entering into a fair business situation and not the “bondo dog” pictured above. Deception is NOT a great way to begin ANY relationship.

• Don’t be afraid to be specific. Specific is GOOD! Successful companies and their associated brands understand that not every human who walks the face of the earth is the most qualified customer for their service/product. Be clear about what you’re looking for, keeping in mind what’s worked and hasn’t in your previous relationships (just like when making business decisions). Understand as well that if you’re looking for a 6′6″ Pacific Islander millionaire with three children from a previous marriage who collects lint from Arab princes, cooks like a five-star chef and watches 60 Minutes every night without fail – that’s going to limit your results. Being specific isn’t synonymous with being so narrow-minded that you’re setting yourself up to fail. Successful SEM and SEO tactics take into account the specificity of the market they’re approaching, and while Ford might be looking for truck buyers in general, they ain’t lookin’ for (and nor are they going to pay for) people who are looking for planes just because it’s “all transportation, right?”
  

• Indulge in some good ‘ol A/B testing! Ever heard the saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Not only should you review your profile on a regular basis, but if you’re not getting the results or traffic from people who fit what you’re looking for – change things up. Go in and edit that pain in the ass “about me” section. Add a new movie you’ve seen. Post a new profile. CHANGE YOUR PROFILE IMAGE! This is the oldest trick in the book, but it’ll often get you a second glance by someone who’d looked at you before (and maybe some new glances, too). Successful PPC campaigns undergo a certain level of A/B testing to fine-tune tactics so that dollars are spent in the most profitable areas and halted in those that aren’t performing.

• Pay attention to keywords. Many online dating sites allow users to search member profiles by keyword. Me? I’m looking for a dude who is into the outdoors, alpine sports, rock climbing … all sorts of nutty activity. You bet your sweet ass those words are in any profile I write – because those folks are probably looking for me as well and they’re VERY important things in my life. If you think of your online dating profile as the business plan for your PPC campaign, abide by one rule of thumb: a PPC campaign is only as successful as the keywords associated with them. By using targeted and specific keywords, you’ll likely attract a more qualified contact and one that’s got a better chance of surviving your scrutiny. Wouldn’t it be great to have a date for that whatever-ninety-five a month instead of an inbox full of people who are 180 degrees from your target customer with no chance of converting?

I’m sure there are a ton of other parallels I could have drawn here relating the online dating game to these various marketing concepts and practices, and I’d love to hear what you have to say. Bottom line is, when you start treating online dating more like a business than a scratch-off lottery ticket from a 7-11, I think you’re going to be a lot more satisfied with the results.

Who the heck am I to talk? Well, as a subscriber to various online dating sites since my divorce in 2002, my endeavors with

The Head Redhead - your blog author

profiles where I did exactly what I’ve enumerated above have netted me:

• Two long-term relationships totaling well over 4 years
• A handful of wonderful men who have remained friends though not romantic interests
  
• A clearer understanding of what’s important to me from a relationship standpoint
• Money spent in the online dating arena wisely with better-than-average (I feel) results
  
• Endless fodder for drinks with the girls

And apparently, the desire to write this blog and encourage feedback from the other folks wandering around out there in the online dating/social media world. Lay it on me, folks. I’m listening (in my best Frasier Crane voice).