Here’s a slow motion replay of my reactions:

1. WTF?!
2. WHO is this?
3. HOW is this guy a Facebook friend since I don’t know who he is?
4. WHAT on earth is this dude talking about?
5. Thanks for insulting me and determining of what I am worthy. Saves me the time and effort. Cause apparently, I’m a BITCH. A bitch who has NO idea what you’re talking about.

So, owning the fact that I’m a complete, disrespectful Evil Lady Who Ignores Facebook Messages – especially ones from people I don’t know who are apparently (and unbeknownst to me) interested in me in some sort of social/romantic manner – I decided to dig into the issue.

As The Facebook Turns – No More Message Notifications

Since Facebook went through its gazillionth change in the past year, I found myself not receiving any notifications of messages and few relating to comments. I was actually pretty delighted for the decreased email volume. So, to see what Mr. Disgruntled was talking about, I took my Evil Lady Who Ignores Facebook Messages self over to Facebook.

Here’s what I see, probably like you when I click on my Messages icon:

I don’t know about you, but I see FIVE messages. If they appear to be unread, I click through and read the unread messages from this window. Given that I can receive up to 20 Facebook messages a day on occasion, if you’re not showing up in this “fast five,” I ain’t gonna see ya.

I scrolled up Mr. Disguntled’s message feed to me and, indeed, he had asked me on November 28 if I’d like to go grab coffee sometime. Prior to that, we’d even shared a 4 or 5 line Facebook chat conversation in early November regarding…the weather. Given that I am ice cube-chance-in-hell visible on Chat, it’s not surprising that I’d forgotten about this exchange. So yeah – he’d asked me to coffee. Sent me a few links. None of which I’d seen. He happened to be friends with a few of my close friends here in Denver, which could explain why he got through my Firewall of Friendship.

But more importantly – how many other messages was Facebook hiding from me with their new notification system?!

Digging Deeper – The “Others”

So, I posted something on my PERSONAL Facebook wall about not getting message and comment notifications and my dear friend Colleen chimed in with – ummm…do you know about “Other” messages?

I’m like – what OTHER messages?

And she showed me. Just like I’m going to show you.

Go to your Home Page on Facebook. Click on Messages in the left hand sidebar. When you do that, something mysterious happens…you’re introduced to The Others.

When I clicked on that Monday morning, I had 58 messages swimming around in there. People I’ve shown this trick over the past two days have had numbers ranging from the 20s to over 100, and some dating back to the beginning of the year.

Now, if you’re running a brand page and trying to figure out why responses to your Events are down, this is why. Most brand page events go into The Others folder, just like the shitty movie starring Nicole Kidman goes into the bargain bin of DVDs at the grocery store. (Who buys DVDs at the grocery store anyways?)

In those Other messages were notes from readers of my blog and invitations to events that I would have really liked to have attended. (There was also the unread/unseen invitation to join the gentleman above for coffee.)

How could I stop these messages from going into Facebook’s sneaky, inconvenient Information Purgatory in the future?

The Answer: Reclaim Your Facebook Notifications

If I’m going to have passive-agressive missives flung in my direction, I want to be fully in control and conscious of the behavior that’s inspiring said missives. I also want to be participating, dammit. So I went into the Facebook Account Settings and I’m going to guide YOU through how to get those Message and other notifications back that Facebook mysteriously took away.

Step #1: Top Right Hand Side of Your Facebook Page

Step #2: Top Left Hand Side of the Next Page

Step #3: UNCHECK THIS DAMN BOX!

Step #4: Set Your Notifications

Scroll down the page until you see the Notifications section. You can click on each of the headings (Facebook – where you’ll find your Message notifications – is shown here) and set up the type of emails you want to receive.

No More Hide-And-Seek With Facebook Messages!

So, it would appear that I’m not necessarily the Evil Lady Who Ignores Facebook Messages after all. Facebook’s bogarted all of our notification settings and it’s up to us to reclaim them. And The Others? Hells bells. Go ahead and tell me how many messages you have in your Others folder. I have a nifty, wintery prize for the person with the most! Caveat: you have to upload a screen shot showing your profile name AND the message bubble to the right side of the Others line.

Now, this weekend, I’ll be doing that (apparently) much-needed Facebook Friends purge, as one of my true friends would have rattled my cage in other ways if I’d been ignoring them, as they’d know it was completely inadvertent. And for the record, the gentleman in question appears to have blocked me on Facebook, so I couldn’t even send him a message explaining the scenario.

The next time you assume someone is ignoring you, one of two things is most certainly true:

Option 1: They are ignoring your messages.

or

Option 2: They’re victim to Facebook’s definition of “important” and really have no fucking clue that you dropped them a line.

In my case? Option 2 prevailed.

Happy Facebook Notifications Reclamation Day!

I’m really fortunate that the folks at Entrepreneur Magazine give me a lot of leeway with what I cover in my column each month and how. So, in the October issue, I decided to go and have a look at hyperlocal businesses that have achieved success through social marketing. Sure, you have to have a kickass product to back up the online hype, but I found two businesses on opposite sides of the country – a vet practice in Southern Florida and a food truck in Seattle – that each took VERY different approaches to social marketing and each found tremendous success.

Stop by the column: How Two Small Companies Are Driving Revenue Using Social Media (in your print editions as Virtual People, Real Dollars).

I know a fair share of my readers operate and consult with hyperlocal and local businesses. I’d love to hear your thoughts about these two companies and other ideas that are bouncing around in your head. Local businesses are the backbone of any community and it just tickles me like Elmo to have had the opportunity to meet these folks and hear how they’re hitting it out of the park with a combination of keystrokes and kickass product and service.

PS: I know full well that a food truck and a vet practice can’t actually walk into a bar. But it would be fun to watch!

Hi…yeah – is Bullshit in? No, It’s okay. I’ll hold.

Bullshit always keeps you on hold, doesn’t it?

The lines of communication propriety have become inarguably blurred by technology. I addressed this awhile back in a diatribe/personal memoir on online stalking, but think it bears repeating in a slappier tone. So let me rack my Bitch Slapping hand like a shotgun and say this:

Our audacity is blinding.

The social web is a brilliant tool. If used wisely, it offers greater insight into those people who matter to us most. Friends, family, colleagues, customers and clients all now have the opportunity to share their lives to any degree they see fit – from conspicuous absence to annoying overshare and every iteration in between. But here’s the rub: just because you can see someone online doesn’t mean you know them. And it certainly doesn’t mean you have access to them.

I don’t know about you, but the level of faux-social intimacy bullshit I deal with every day is astronomical. There’s nothing I adore more than a personal note from a reader or having the opportunity to answer a question for anyone who asks, but my social networks are becoming overrun with people who think they know me. Well, ya don’t. Here’s what you know about Erika: the persona. There are a select group of people in the Inner Sanctum, the ‘hood. But the rest? You’re standing outside singing “How Much is That Doggie in the Window?” and looking at an Irish Setter.

I know I’m not the only one who deals with this, so before I go from Erika to see-you-next-Tuesday in five paragraphs flat, let’s get to some common sense rules for the social web. These are my rules and perhaps not yours, but I think much of it is common sense. Let’s take a spin on the Train to Communication Propriety and stop this epically fucked devolutionary process back to knuckle dragging Neanderthals that club Jane on the head and drag her back into the cave so we can sneak a look at her Facebook profile when no one’s looking.

Text Messaging

If you get someone’s phone number, that’s a pretty coveted thing these days. Don’t blow up their phone with multi-part text messages. If it takes more than two texts to get your point across, pick up the goddamn phone and have a 30-second conversation. For fuck sake, if your fingers work to text, they work to dial. And yes, I am occasionally just as guilty of this as anyone else. Texts are great for where are you, what time, which brand of ketchup do you want? queries, but they suck ass for dialogue. Dial. The. Phone.

Facebook Profiles

I’ve been pretty lax with this but that’s about to change. My personal Facebook profile is for my family and friends. If I haven’t met you IRL (In Real Life), do you really need to see the pics of me and my girlfriends having dinner? No. Because that’s personal and requires a certain level of intimacy. I love connecting with my readers and hearing their stories and truly respect anyone who sends me a friend request with a clarification on how I know them. Just ask one of my besties, Merredith – I’d met her at a conference and was knee deep in shit, couldn’t remember and even denied HER friend request on Facebook. Alas, I’ve also now spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas at her family’s house. I also know quite a few people who use their personal Facebook profiles for their business colleagues and communications as well. That’s fine. That’s your decision.

But the moral is this: understand what you’re doing. Think about what you’re asking when you click “Add to Friends” on Facebook. It’s a pretty big level of ask. It’s not just a button. I built a Facebook Fan Page so people could reach Erika without seeing the things that really aren’t quite their business. And the same goes for you – you probably don’t think I need to see the pictures of your daughter’s birthday party or your brand of political rants. If someone you see online offers a link to their Fan Page on their blog, but not a link to their personal profile (ahem…coughs…points), maybe there’s a reason. It’s pretty audacious to ask to be let into someone’s personal life. Just think of who you’d let inside the front door of your house – any yahoo selling magazines or the person you share three yoga classes and carpools with each week? Methinks yoga person wins out.

Relationships Are Earned

This digital access we enjoy – it makes things way too easy. With a Google search, we can find most anyone and the only way to avoid being found is to stop putting it out there. But we should never forget that relationships are earned. Just as flinging a business card at someone doesn’t mean you’ll get them as a client, seeing someone online doesn’t mean you know them. Relationships built over the social web take time and nurturing, just as with any in-person relationship. Why should anyone “be your friend” after exchanging a few blog comments or tweets? After shaking your hand at a conference? I think a good rule of thumb is this: if you’d invite the person to a dinner party where you could only have 20 guests, would you invite them? Granted, the parties are different for both business and your personal life – you have to be the one who decides the boundaries – but we only have so much bandwidth.

Use your bandwidth wisely. Take the time to bask in deeper relationships instead of skipping rock after rock across the surface of human interaction. Stop collecting people in your personal life. In my eyes, I need a select group of incredible relationships, not a plethora of mediocre ones that detract from the time I can spend on the ones I truly want to nurture.

The Desire to Connect – Go Forth and Don’t Be a Douche

We want to feel connected and now we have all of these buttons (Like, Digg, Stumble, Reddit, Add to Friends, Follow, Buy) that give the illusion of connection – but how are we truly connected? When the shit goes down (as it has on this blog), who’s going to be there and have your back? Who’s going to notice if you’re gone?

More importantly – who will YOU notice when they’re gone and reach out to help when needs must?

My readers – you – you’re the reason I get to do what I love. You make me laugh, you’ve been there when all hell’s broken loose. And many of you have come to be my friends and I hope I get to meet each of you one day. I never expected to be invited to your weddings and I don’t know your parents. I only know the persona – what you choose to share with me. And I respect that. How can we change the culture of People Collecting into one where we keep building relationships, but on different levels? I treasure that I’ve earned each of you coming back, post after post. I wouldn’t trade that for the world. But no offense – I don’t really need you to listen in while I chat with my mom, y’know?

So, you’ve been slapped. And I have, too. Enough with the over-asking and false senses of familiarity because a button says we can have it with a click. It’s time for me to rethink just clicking a button and consider what those clicks mean. I tell my clients all the time: it’s not how many fans you have on the boat – it’s how many who would jump in to save you when the shit goes down. Even the Titanic had a max capacity, y’know?

The content is NSFW, so if you’re listening at work, EARBUDS for all that’s holy. It’s a great hour and a half of uncensored, unedited conversation and if you’re into online audio, you may want to add this to your regular listening list. The show regularly features kickass folks like Tamar Weinberg of Techipedia (one of the first ladies I followed on StumbleUpon who led me to learn about the tech space), Jason Falls of Social Media Explorer (another long-time StumbleUpon follow and owner of a fine platypus shirt) and a hateful list of people who are by far way more important than I’ll ever be – so yeah. Bookmark this and have a listen.

And serious props to the gents at Social Blend for the cool graphic mashup. That comic cracks my shit up EVERY TIME (and was initially shared with me by the late, incomparable Jason Schippers).

Tomorrow is Friday…and you know what that means. We slap!

Today’s post is authored by an ACTUAL redhead, known as The Naked Redhead. If that’s not enough to get you to read, I have no idea what is.

“Bring a donut for yourself, and you’re a hog.  Bring a donut for the whole office and you’re a hero.”

–T. N. Redhead

Have you ever noticed the difference between the donut eaten furtively in the privacy of your own home, and the dozen donuts purchased to surprise the office?  With a simple act of generosity, you’ve transformed from inhaling several hundred calories all by your lonesome, to sharing a delicious sugary treat experience as a group (P.S.—group calories are null).  In blogging and social media, you’re either eating a donut by yourself, or you’ve brought some to share with a couple thousand of your closest friends.

In other words, “It’s not about you.”

I gotta be honest, I learned this lesson the hard way.  My first experience on the blogosphere was reading the “big blogs”…the ones where people wrote stuff and other people flocked to read said stuff just because it was there.  That was in the early stages of the blogging boom where truly, the Field of Dreams statement applied:  “If you make it, they will come.”

Blogging, however, has changed (and if someone tells you otherwise, run far away.  People who have instant success overnight with blogging are the exception, not the rule), but I didn’t get it for a long time.  I figured if I slapped some words on a screen, Ray Liotta would friggin’ step out of a corn field and be my best online dead baseball playing friend.

But then one day it hit me:  NOBODY CARES unless you show them you care first.

It’s a lot like real life, right?  If you want to have friends, be a friendly person yourself.  When I realized that it wasn’t about me and my little bloggy donut, boy, did things change.  Here are a few things sharing donuts has taught me about blogging and social media:

Find out what kind of donuts your audience likes.

You like donuts, and your donut of choice is a Long John.  Your audience, however, might really prefer plain glazed most of the time, and will only occasionally eat a Long John.  One of the best ways to figure out what your audience likes is to do a quick and easy survey.  My most recent survey (via Survey Monkey) was a mere six questions long, and it helped me to channel my content more concisely than ever before.  I also displayed the results so my readers had a bigger sense of their collective “TNR Reader” identity.  Six easy questions that were not about me generated a bigger community response than one more post about how awesome I am.

Share your donuts with a genuinely generous and kind spirit.

It’s okay to know that in some way, you’re sharing donuts so that you can also one day benefit, but there’s a big difference between saying, “HERE ARE MY DONUTS!  Now where’s MY present?” and saying, “Here are my donuts.  I really hope you like them,” without expectation of immediate, tangible return.  That’s what a gift really is, right?   You wouldn’t bring a donut to your boss and say, “Here’s a donut, gimme a raise.”  Ewww…jerkface.  Don’t do that to your readers, k?

Let your new “It’s not about me,” attitude filter into every part of your online personality.

When I realized it wasn’t about me, I not only refocused my blog’s content, but I also immediately changed my auto-responder on Twitter from:

“Thanks for following me, now read my awesome shit here http://linktomyawesomewebsite.com!”

To:

“Thanks for the follow.  What’s one thing I should know about you?”

My response percentage went through the roof, with even savvy, experienced Tweeters responding to say, “Is this an auto-response?  I can’t tell.  Oh, I really like ducks.” (ßParaphrased from an actual response)

At that point, my new followers didn’t even care that I might not have personally typed that specific message the moment they followed me; they were just excited that someone out there cared enough to ask about them instead of simply eating a donut in front of them. (And for those with inquiring minds, yes, it’s an auto-DM. The question, however, does stem from a genuine place, the means is simply necessary from an efficiency standpoint. I absolutely answer every response.)

Because that’s what those “read MY stuff” auto-responders, ad nauseum “buy my shit” posts, and spammy e-mails are like.  They are the equivalent of solo-scarfing a goddamn delicious, chocolate covered, cream-filled donut on stage in front of a crowd of hungry, salivating people.  It’s a show, sure, but not one that people will ever watch again.  In fact, don’t be surprised if some of the audience likes the “performer” just a bit less…especially after the grand finale of languorous finger licking.

And finally…

Lest you think this post is saying that you should slave away for years bowing only to the whims of your audience, denying yourself any pleasure or financial return in your whole little bloggy quest, remember that just because you’re sharing donuts, doesn’t mean you don’t get to eat a donut, too.  I mean, that’s the whole fun of bringing donuts to a gathering, right?  You all get to dig in as a group and eat the shit out of those sweet confections.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to fall into a sugar coma.   Mmmm…donuts.

Hearing crickets in your social media plan?

Trying out, using and accepting social media is not that easy- particularly when you are a bit old-school.  As more of a newcomer, I thought it would be helpful to give my take on the 9 stages you may encounter on your way to Social Media acceptance.

Stage 1: Denial

This is the stage where you have no idea why you need social media.  You ask yourself WTF a “tweet” is or why you would want to be friends with your classmates from first grade?  You tell yourself that you don’t have time to wipe your ass most days, so how would you possibly have time to take on another task?

Stage 2: Crickets

Through something resembling curiosity or good old peer pressure, you decide to venture into the social media landscape to see what the fuss is all about.  You set up your profile, read the FAQs files and then…nothing.  Not a damn thing happens.  You tweet and no one tweets back.  You can hear virtual crickets chirping.  Now you really wonder WTF all the fuss is about.

Stage 3: Dribbles

One day, you tweet and you find that have been retweeted!  You pick up a few “friends”.  Someone remembers working with you in the mailroom of some big corporation and accepts your Linked In invite.  You are elated and think maybe that there is something to this…

Stage 4: Momentum

Your consistency of action starts to pay off.  Your strong message starts to garner an audience.  You post a blog and get some comments from a real person, not just a spammer who thinks you need a penis enlargement (whether or not you have a penis).  This is where things really get fun- you are getting recognition, a boost to your ego and you finally begin to see the fruits of your labor.  You are making new best friends with people from all over the world faster than Charlie Sheen drives cars off of cliffs.

Stage 5: Obsession

Too much of a good thing turns bad.  You bring your iPhone or Blackberry to the bathroom when you go to take a piss to make sure you don’t miss something.  You have 25 different tools for Twitter.  You check your friends/followers/connection totals 115 times a day.  Overall, you are spending more time with people you met online in the last three weeks than your family and lifelong friends.

Stage 6: Overwhelmed

You become paralyzed from the sheer volume of information coming at you.  You are annoyed at the amount of time you have spent.  You start referring to your fans as sycophants, leeches or something worse.  This wasn’t what you signed up for.

Stage 7: Fuck It

You can’t handle it and you vow never to use social media again.  Your new best friends wonder what happened to you…for about 12 hours; then they go find other new best friends.

(Note: Stage seven rarely lasts more than a few days).

Stage 8: Regrouping

You know that you can’t quit this bitch, so you re-assess your strategy and cut back.  You think about why you are using social media, what your purpose and goals are, and what are truly the mission critical tools to accomplish them.  You go back to your old stomping grounds with a new sense of purpose.

Stage 9: Enlightenment and Acceptance

You finally realize that social media is just a tool and like anything else, needs to be used in moderation, with a purpose and in the most effective way possible.

About Carol Roth

Carol Roth is a business strategist and deal maker who has worked with hundreds of companies, ranging from a single entrepreneur with an idea to Fortune 500 businesses, on all aspects of business and financial strategy. Collectively, she has helped her clients raise over $1 billion dollars in capital, complete hundreds of millions of dollars in mergers and acquisitions, secure high profile licensing and partnership deals and more.

Carol is a frequent media contributor and she also blogs about issues affecting entrepreneurs and their businesses at CarolRoth.com. She is the author of The Entrepreneur Equation, a book about evaluating the realities, risks and rewards of business ownership, coming out Q1 2011. You can find her on Twitter @caroljsroth.

Good behavior is good behavior, and the opposite is also true.

While watching the 1984 classic The Karate Kid was on cable recently (yet again!) it occurred to me that a great deal of Mr. Miyagi’s advice for young Daniel-san is also applicable to social media. Here are some of my favorites.

“Walk on road. Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later get squish just like grape.”

Many people ask me how they can find the time to take advantage of all the different social media networks out there: Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, LinkedIn, maintaining a blog and on and on.

The answer is simple–don’t even try. Join the networks that you feel give you the most benefit and participate regularly. Just making a profile is a bit like walking in the middle of the road. It’s far better to focus on one or two communities and reap those benefits than to have a dozen usernames and passwords you seldom use. Too many sign-ups and too little conversation and you’ll probably find yourself saying that you don’t get this social media thing and can’t see any benefit. And you’d be right.

“Just remember, license never replace eye, ear, and brain” and “There are no bad student, only bad teacher. Teacher say, student do.”

There is no seminar that will give you a short cut to making social media work for every situation. Yet, somehow, I’ve never seen an industry spawn so many overnight “gurus.” When my car breaks, I take it to an experienced mechanic, not a “transportation guru.” A licensed and trained dentist, not an “oral care guru,” cleans my teeth a couple of times each year and tells me if I need fillings.

By almost any standard, the Internet itself is a relatively new medium, and social media is in its infancy. Facebook is only five years old. There are not centuries–even decades–of accumulated best practices and learning. There are no ancient texts to be deciphered or undiscovered secrets awaiting discovery. And there are no “gurus” that can give you a fix-all short cut to success. Don’t let these people baffle you with BS. Use your eyes, your ears and your brain. Read what smart people with successful track records in setting and reaching specific goals using social media tactics say, and think about how you can make that work for your situation. Like anything worth doing, it takes time to develop your voice. Watch and learn, but don’t mimic or look for a one-size-fits-all blueprint. No matter what you hear (or get spammed in your Twitter stream) short cuts simply don’t exist.

There’s a great scene in the movie when Daniel asks Miyagi, “All right, so what are the rules here?”

“Don’t know,” he replies. “First time you, first time me.” In a nutshell, that’s social media. In many cases it is first time you, first time me. Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook, and he’s only been at it five years longer than the guy that joined yesterday. Don’t expect a “guru” to replace your eyes, your ears and, most importantly, your brain.

“First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Daniel-san, not mine.”

Put another way: don’t follow 5,000 people before sending your first tweet. There are three legs to the social media stool: the size of your audience, your ongoing relevance to your audience and your ability to engage your audience. It’s not a pure numbers game, and those that make it one simply don’t get it.

Start out by understanding how the people you want to engage with are using the medium. If none of your friends are playing Farmville on Facebook, they probably don’t want you to ask them to help you water your crops a few dozen times a day. It’s just like walking into a room at a social mixer. You don’t run up to the first people you see and say something like “Hey, how about them Broncos?” before you even know what they’re talking about. You listen first and join the conversation appropriately. Same thing in social media networks.

“Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home.”

Balance in social media means offering far more than you ask for–and selling is asking. If your Twitter stream is a series of offers to download your e-book or visit your sales-heavy blog, you’re not going to get very far in the long run. You might get a bunch of followers, but the other two measures–the ability to engage and long-term relevance–will fall flat.

Achieve balance–strong reach, relevant conversations and strong interaction with your audience–and success will follow.

And finally:

“For man with no forgiveness in heart, life worse punishment than death.”

OK. Some of you will catch that’s from Karate Kid Part II, but it’s the perfect finish. Social media is new. Go easy if your friend on Facebook he’s making you nuts with Farmville. Just talk to them and tell them what works for you. Let them know you’re not interested, but that you’d love to hear more about their family. If someone offends you on Twitter, act like you would in the office–talk it out. If the problem continues, unfollow, but don’t expect everyone to know the rules–and let’s face it, there aren’t many–on Day One.

Be patient, bring people along, and help them join your circle.

After all, isn’t that what Mr. Miyagi would do?

******

Doyle Albee is a principal at Metzger Associates in Boulder, Colorado. He is snarky, enjoys great red wine and can be found various places on the web (both with and without the wine). Follow him on Twitter and check him out over on his social homes page – DoyleAlbee.com.

I love my Redhead Writing Facebook Fan Page. My fans do, too. My fans and readers can always get ahold of me: Twitter, contact form on my website, Facebook message, carrier pigeon…But what I simply can’t fathom is how you have 400 million users to-date and lack a CONTACT US tab on your site. How is it that you’ve grown into the social networking behemoth you have without one iota of consideration for those who actively use your site and need help doing so?

Your customer service is apathetic if not entirely absent, yet you profess to know what your users want every goddamn time you change your UI. But I understand – you’re BIG. B-I-G. Being BIG apparently grants you a level of untouchability accompanied by a lack of accountability to your users. If we don’t like it, we can go to MySpace, right? Or Google Buzz. Let’s sit down and dish in this pretend letter of mine that I doubt anyone from your business team will ever read. After all, you’re too busy to respond to user-generated questions on:

How to transfer ownership of a Facebook Fan Page (because businesses NEVER change ownership in Facebookland)

How to remove a permanent “admin” on a Facebook Fan Page (another 8 pages of unanswered user questions)

Changing the name of your Facebook Fan Page (whoa – 163 unanswered posts)

I’m going to give you a lesson in Customer Service, Redhead-Style. Sit down, stop changing your UI for a minute and listen to what we have to say (since you don’t even do that on your own site in the forums).

Your User Interface Sucks, the Concept of Service and Budgets

Frankly, as someone who deals with UIs as a large component of her day-to-day, you suck. Suck, suck, suck. If you sucked any more, you’d be on the street corner in the shady part of town, doling out hummers for $10. In the past year, I’ve logged in no fewer than three times and found all my schizzle in a hizzle. There is not other successful business that keeps dicking with its UI to the extent that you do and no one’s amused. We have no choice but to accept what you lay down (especially since you don’t listen to any of your users or have a Customer Service department to take complaints or help resolve important issues. Here’s a quote I find amusing:

“Thanks again for making Facebook a part of your life. Happy sixth birthday to Facebook and our whole community. We look forward to building more things and continuing to serve you for many more years to come.” – Mark Zuckerberg, co-founder of Facebook to the UK Telegraph

Really, Mark? How is it possible for you to “continue to serve” when you haven’t even begun? Your users speak on your very own Facebook Forums and you don’t reply. There’s no Contact Us page (like any other website on the planet…even plumbers have a Contact Us page with a phone number…so do Adult Novelty Stores – OMG they have a PHONE NUMBER, TOO…so does Twitter). And here’s the mind-boggling spaghetti that is your “Help Center.” It’s like one of those outsourced-to India automated phone systems where I’m always told “0″ is an invalid entry.

Speaking to a human, being serviced by a human…it would be a novel concept on this site designed to connect human beings. How you’re above it all is beyond me. I’m wondering if somewhere you’ve teamed up with AT&T on masterminding the Shitty Customer Service Model – I own an iPhone and would throw it out the window if I weren’t so in love with the damned thing. AT&T’s customer service is maddening and I’ve never paid so dearly for such a high level of frustration. While I get the frustration for free with Facebook, I’d think that you could find $1.25 million in your estimated $550 million in revenue to hire 50 customer service reps at a whopping $25k per year to handle some customer service emails and calls. Customer service has been called an unaffordable budget cut in today’s economy, yet somehow Facebook lacks it entirely. Kudos for being ahead of the curve on saving money, but you’re saving it in the wrong place.

Maybe stop fucking around with your UI and save the money on design and coding. Just an idea. Reallocate those funds to serving those who promote you, use you and need help in maximizing their use of the services you provide.

Stop Acting Like Frat Boys

We get it – you started Facebook as a roommate thing and are oh-so-proud of where it’s gone and excited about where it can go. We are, too. But you need to stop acting like frat boys looking to nail the Google sorority girl. Your users and their content are what make you so attractive for partnerships. If you keep pissing us off, we’re going to gradually go away. We left MySpace, we shirked Plurk. We’ll do an about-face on Facebook as well. Start remembering who brought the beer and hot wings to your kegger and quit looking at Google’s tits long enough to communicate with those who got you where you are. We’re telling you what we need and what we want. All you have to do it engage. It IS “social” networking, right?

Enough With the Ad Whoring

It’s great that your ad network is a cost-effective means for businesses and individuals to promote services, causes and brand awareness. But I don’t want to see Jennifer Aniston’s unauthorized picture whoring some weight loss program or scam ads for “debt relief” services. I’m in Facebook to connect with people. People do business with people. How about some QA for these crap ads we’ve seen as of late and screw the user rating feature for ads. YOU are the network. Start taking control of your content. I could always hook you up with Focus on the Family and Tim Tebow if you want to learn more about bait-and-switch marketing tactics, y’know.

…and that’s all I’ve got for now, dear Facebook, but I’m sure my readers have more. We’ll see what they have to say about your shenanigans as I know the problems and views expressed above aren’t exclusively mine. I may be an outspoken redhead ranting out of Denver, Colorado, but I have clients who rely on me for answers about Facebook and you…make it difficult to say anything other than, “Well, that’s just the way it is. Facebook said so.”

And THAT is a crappy answer to have to give with the obligatory shrug.

While most seem to chirp out “Of course! C’mon! It’s fun! Everyone should be on Twitter!!!!” [notice the multiple exclamation points], my first response is generally something along the lines of:

Oh, hell no.

Why?

Because if you don’t know WHY you’re there, you can’t understand why you should stay.

Social media requires a strategy, whether you’re Suzy Sunshine looking to find fellow knitting fans or Bob the Business Owner seeking new customers.

Ask yourself right now: why are YOU on Twitter?

I research, compile and present social media strategies to a wide range of businesses throughout the year and I always enter each research stage with one assumption: this business should NOT be on Twitter. That is, unless I find evidence to the contrary. I don’t want my clients wasting their time with a social medium that is not conducive to their goals and…well…a waste of time. Establishing yourself in the social mediasphere is an investment. As I recently stated in a presentation at Chicks Who Click, you can’t have ROI without the I. If you have the choice between pissing away 15 minutes a day on Twitter and going to get a taco, go get the taco. It’ll at least leave you sated – which 15 minutes a day in the social mediasphere will NEVER, ever do.

Here are five questions to ask yourself if someone tells you that you simply MUST be on Twitter. Please kick them in the shins and then review this list. After all – it’s your time and something  you can never get more of.

Question 1: What do you think Twitter is?

If you think it’s something dirty (heh – “twitter”), if you think it’s a waste of time, if you don’t know…get clarification. And here’s the shocker: the answer is different for everyone. What Twitter is to ME isn’t the same thing it is to the awesome folks over at Good Belly. Clarify and then personify.

Question 2: How much time do you have to spend on social media each day?

Social media – and especially Twitter – is SOCIAL. That implies dialogue. Interaction. And in order to interact, you have to get to know people and break the ice a bit. Way too many people treat it like a hit-and-run accident or a one night stand. Relationships are not borne from broadcast headlines and self-indulgent posts. They’re borne from connecting on a personal level with your audience and THAT takes time. It’s the I in ROI – what are you prepared to I?

Question 3: What do you expect to get out of your Twitter account?

New customers? More site traffic? Blog comments? If you don’t know before you begin, take a minute to determine what you envision to be the end result. When you know the answer to this, question 4 will quickly answer itself.

Question 4: Is your target demographic on Twitter?

I recently worked with Doyle Albee at Metzger & Associates on a social media strategy for a high profile, international brand. Our initial thoughts? Twitter? Hell yes! The end result after 5 weeks of research? Hell no. Their target demographic lived in a niche bulletin board system and not on Twitter – and there were other ways to access key bloggers for product coverage. It’s NOT for everyone and we were truly delighted to tell the client: don’t waste your time here – spend it wisely over there.

Question 5: How will Twitter integrate into your other online presences?

Blogs, Facebook Fan Pages, Tumblr accounts, online promotions…How will you integrate Twitter into these efforts as well? No online presence is an island and one needs the support of others to be the most successful possible. If you don’t know about Facebook Fan Pages (also NOT for everybody), check out this killer post from Tamar Weinberg at Techipedia on building a Facebook Fan Page. If you’re working with a social media consultant, PR firm or ad agency who’s telling you that you should be on Twitter and cannot answer that question…shit, I hope you don’t have a contract. Fire ‘em.

And now to you, reader: what other questions should people ask before they dive-in face first into Twitter? Share you comments below and share with your friends so they can add their insights as well!

I’ll betcha didn’t you were going to have to hear the word bulimia again after I’d finished my presentation, did ya? This morning, I’m putting myself first

As I always do…Selfishness is a strategic business asset. Don’t delude yourself. On a side note: have you ever woken up in the morning and wondered – when did I turn into a pubescent, acne-plagued teen? I spent 20 minutes this morning looking for my Clearasil and was staring lovingly at a bottle of lighter fluid when the Clearasil eluded me…

and putting out my redux of Chicks Who Click Denver 2010. Saturday rocked my world. Admittedly, I didn’t know what to expect when Denise Smith asked me to be a speaker. My first thought was: people want to hear what I have to say? Even if they didn’t, it looked like I was on the slate. Shit howdy, let’s rock it.

I lurved meeting everyone throughout the day and will admit that I completely suck all sortsa things at remembering names. Poke me, prod me, lob softballs over my Twitter and Facebook fences. Remind me how we met and let me know where you live online!

Melanie Mills started the day off with a humbling and energetic jolt to the core: who are you, how do you operate and…what shape are you? I’m kinda hourglass and if I eat too many cream puffs, more pear than anything. But I digress. I’m a squiggle. A fun-loving squiggle FTMFW! She’s NOT a motivational speaker, ladies. She’s a motivator because of who she is and what she brings to the table. It’s rare I’m rallied by a speech (hence, my question as to whether anyone wanted to hear what I had to say), but Melanie made me laugh, smile…and think. Damn her, it was barely 9AM and she was making me think. Loved it.

Up next? POTTY BREAK! It was evident that The Curtis Hotel had seen me coming and wanted to see how long I could hold it (as it’s evident I wasn’t allowed in this stall). To spite them, I used the next stall, peed on the seat and then left the seat UP. Erika: 1. Curtis Hotel: 0.

Shelly Kramer was first up after our group pee. Fabulous in a cocktail dress, sweater and boots, she’s the kind of woman I could meet for coffee with a dog in my lap and a cowboy hat on my head. I’d shared off-color email banter with her (shocker) in a thread that went awry the night previous and was fairly sure she was my f-bomb soulmate – I was really looking forward to what she had to share. Key takeaways? Interview your clients – don’t just let them interview you. Dive in. Have a plan. Poop sharks are part of daily living and bring your personality to the table when it comes to social media. People love people. Know what you know, ask questions and get the answers to what you don’t know. Be. Real.

Misty Montano of Channel 4 here in Denver rocked it seven different ways during her presentation, sparking a great dialogue and mini-debate on the media’s role in reporting the news. Broadcast versus commentary – fact versus opinion. If you’re in Denver and you haven’t connected with Misty on Twitter, she’s a vibrant personality that’s doing new and innovative things when it comes to getting the news, breaking the news, and sharing the news with our local community. And through Twitter, she’s taking local news international. High five, girl!

A huge thanks to Noodles & Company for the killer schwag bag and for sponsoring the day’s festivities. They shared with us over lunch some details about their marketing philosophy and how they were growing and entering into the social media space. While I think they’ve missed the boat by leaving Twitter out of their strategy to-date, I have no doubt they’ll hop on board soon enough and see what a kickass marketing plan can do in conjunction with a great Facebook following and satisfying in-store experience.

And then – I spoke. I won’t rehash my preso in my own blog about the event, so if you want to see the post on which my presentation was based, read it here: Twitter – Multiple Personality Management Without Medication. I’ve also posted the slides if you’d like to have a run-through again (if the toilet bowl images weren’t clear enough the first time around). Again, my door is open for any questions. My contact information is on the last slide of the presentation as well. Reach out, I’ll help in any way I can! (And again, I apologize for the “plethora of penises” image on the opening slide. This is why my mother told me to not procrastinate. Everything looks good at 11pm on iStock the night before a presentation…) And to answer one question I don’t think I adequately answered during the event: How do you manage lists using HootSuite? I’ll also give you the list of tools we discussed during my presentation for online efficiency:

HootSuite.com – manage Twitter, Facebook personal profiles, Facebook Fan Pages and LinkedIn from on portal

Twellow.com – great tool for finding followers by keyword

TweepML.com – online resource for building private online lists of Twitter users (thanks @ShellyKramer and @Greeblemonkey)

Twitter Karma – my favorite resource for quickly following, unfollowing, and blocking on Twitter. A cool once-a-month clean-up tool.

If any of you have additional resources to share, add a comment below. The more tools you have to choose from, the better. You’ll find your groove and what works for you.

I was completely humbled by the day’s “mommy blogger” panel (@greeblemonkey, @Crazycanuckblog, @oliviaomega, and moderator @fruitlady). If you think that these mommy bloggers are nothing but Tide Brides, think again. From family safety to online privacy, handling pitches with integrity to how they balance the blessings and related curses of being working mothers with young children, I relished each and every part of the panel. Advice from a redhead: hug a mommy blogger. And then high five ‘em.

The day wrapped up with the #morebangable @tarable (Tara Anderson of Lijit) who took us on a rollicking journey of social media lessons learned through sit coms. While Melanie Mills had us searching for our ideal shape, Tara had us singing the theme songs from TV gems like Small Wonder and Growing Pains. She always kicks a lot of ass and if you’re not using Lijit on YOUR blog (it’s FREE – doh!), give her an @ on Twitter. Truth: we’ve got a hawt lunch date on February 5th to discuss integrating Lijit into my blog. Yeeha!

A huge shout to Denise Smith for organizing Chicks Who Click. The details for the next conference (Omaha! Woooo!) are already up on the website. Here are just a few reasons I’m glad that Chicks is around:

• Social media in your own backyard. After the conference, you have local connections and resources – not just speakers who fly in and fly away.
• A whole day with everyone on the same page - no breakout sessions means the benefit of group discussions and big thoughts bouncing around in one room.
• Real people – learn from people just like you. We’re all real and part of the beauty of social media is that it’s the perfect place for YOU to be.
• The Right Money - Under $250 for 8 hours of conversation and collaboration with no consternation! That’s $30 per hour (including lunch and assorted schwag). If your business isn’t worth $30/hour…

GO GET A DAMNED TACO!

Again, thank you for giving The Redhead the chance to offend you and making me feel like I’m not just a crazy lady with a keyboard. Share Chicks with your friends…even if they’re technically Dicks.