After fielding lots of questions about what I did to get published, I thought I’d create a blog series that demystifies the process for those interested in writing nonfiction. I’m asked frequently whether I’ll ever write fiction, and given that real life throws incomprehensible shit my way every day, making things up just seems like too much work. So I’ll stick with long form nonfiction and leave the fiction to short stories every now and then. If you’re interested, you can check out “Throw Pillow” (a Writer’s Digest finalist), and “First and Blend.” If you’re not, fine. Let’s talk nonfiction and getting that shit published.

It All Starts With the Book Proposal

First and foremost, those interested in writing nonfiction do not have to complete a manuscript (unlike fiction authors) prior to heading out on a search for an agent and/or publisher. What you need to create is a proposal, which is exactly what I did for both of my books. I used the book called Putting Your Passion Into Print by Arielle Eckstut and David Sterry. The book is, quite honestly, the shit when it comes to walking you through the components of a nonfiction book proposal. I used it to craft both of my proposals and was told, in both cases, that the agent and publishers had never seen such concise and complete proposals. If you’d like to review the book proposal for my co-authored book The Insider’s Guide to Egg Donation, you can view it here as a reference.

How Long Should I Budget to Write the Book Proposal?

Three months, minimum. I won’t lie and say it can’t and hasn’t (cough cough) been done in less time, but give yourself some breathing room. It has to be beyond good as the competition for publishing slots these days is fierce.

Here’s what you need to remember about your book proposal:

• First impression/last impression: Whether sending it to an agent or directly querying with a publisher, your proposal is your first and last chance to make an impression. A pass is a pass. The proposal better be fucking brilliant.
• Think of it as ammo: Here’s something I didn’t know before this year’s foray into nonfiction publishing – your book proposal is ammo for both your agent and the acquiring editor.
  • What’s an acquiring editor? They’re salespeople, pure and simple. An acquiring editor’s job is to find book titles to include in the publisher’s next catalog. They negotiate the deals, sign the authors, and get paid based on the deals they write. This is the person to whom your agent, should you choose to work with one, will be pitching your book proposal.
  • How does a book proposal act as ammo for an acquiring editor? In publishing houses, there are multiple acquiring editors vying for a limited number of book slots available in the upcoming catalog. That means that they have to pitch your manuscript to a table filled with people who want your project to fuck off and die so that their project can hit the catalog. The better your proposal, the better ammo an acquiring editor has to shoot down his or her colleagues’ lackluster projects and get your book that coveted place in the next season’s catalog.
• It’s time to testify: Your book proposal is your chance to pitch your book to people who can help you get published. Help them help you. They have no damn idea who you are or that you’re super important in Peoria, Illinois. When you follow the guidelines outlined in the book I mentioned above, you’re giving these publishing professionals the chance to meet you (while they may never meet you) and make a decision as to why they should spend their valuable time on your project. Don’t waste their time. If you were going to court, you wouldn’t tell the judge to bugger off or the bailiff to get bent. Make your case, respect their time, and explain why you’re a good risk to take in the grand scheme of their limited time.

That Doesn’t Sound Like Fun

Really? Because I guarantee that writing the proposal will be a metric shit ton more fun than writing the actual book! We’re talking twenty to thirty pages versus 60,000 to 70,000 words, my friends!

Something else that’s worth keeping in mind is how you’ll market your book, as the reality is that unless you’re a huge name (which I’m not – even if I write it in a massive font), your publisher is going to do very little outside of get your book into major retailers. So if you’re not up for marketing, promoting your own book, publishing probably isn’t for you, no matter what route you choose (mainstream publisher or self-published).

Tips for Making A Bombass Book Proposal

And yes, “bombass” is a publishing industry term.

• Get out of your echo chamber: No matter what you do for a living or your area of expertise, you work in an echo chamber. You’re surrounded by people who get what you do, what you say, and how you say it. Break out of it. Your book proposal will be read by agents and acquiring editors who have less than a frog’s fine ass hair’s worth of a clue about what you’re talking about. If they don’t understand your material, your book is a pass. Find people who are your book’s target demographic and have them read your book proposal. They’ll tell you what’s clear and what needs more explanation. Parents are (honestly) great for this.
• Hire a copyeditor: Nothing is more annoying to people who read things for a living than to get a proposal riddled with grammar and usage errors. I have two editors: David Pennington and Amelia Hipps. Ping them – they’re very reasonable and the best money you’ll spend so you don’t look like an ass.
• Don’t get cutesy: Skip the exotic fonts and stick with Times New Roman – it’s the publishing industry standard. No one cares about the font. Believe me. This was the first comment my agent made.
• Suck in, suck out: If the proposal sucks, the book will suck. Agents and editors know this. When you take the time to refine your book proposal so that it’s the best it can be, you’re telling agents and acquiring editors, “Hey – I respect your time and thanks so much for looking at my project. I know you read a lot of shit throughout your days, and that’s why I didn’t send you even more shit. I took the time to draft, refine, and edit this so that you’d have a clear picture of where I fit in your world and how you can sell me. I make you money, and I wrote this so that it’s as easy as possible for you to make money.”

So What’s Next?

Once you write your bombass book proposal and have gone through the refinement and editing process, you’re going to have to take it out to agents and/or publishers so you can begin the road to publication. In the next installment, I’ll cover the query letter process for nonfiction books, complete with my query letter for The Insider’s Guide to Egg Donation. My second book, The Power of Unpopular, was a deal made directly with John Wiley & Sons (my acquiring editor is Shannon Vargo, who knows her shit and handled every aspect of the deal with my agent top to bottom). That book had no query letter, but it did have a proposal. But I’ll share things I’ve learned throughout the publication process on both books that will help you make better decisions as a writer in future posts in this series.

What you need to know right now is that the nonfiction book proposal is JOB #1 for the nonfiction writer, and a big part of that job involves writing something bombass that respects the time of the publishing professionals who can help you get into print.

Hit me up with questions in the comments and I’ll do my best to answer them. If I can’t, I’ll ping my publishing friends to see if they can chime in. Next week, we’ll talk about the query letter process for finding an agent and/or publisher and my views on the inarguable importance of representation in the publishing world. My love affair with my agent, Stephany Evans of Fine Print Literary Management, is no secret. I’m fortunate to have earned her representation and she’s educated me in more ways than you could imagine. And for the record, she’s also a kickass editor and helped refine both book proposals in addition to negotiating the best possible deal for both book contracts.

Buy that book I mentioned. Get writing. A proposal is no place to skimp, as it’s only the first step to the bookstore shelves!

Really.

Really…

Really?

Really?!

While the only perceptible difference to a smart ass between the iterations above might be some dots and squiggly marks, those four variations of “really” are a pretty good example of how we punctuate out lives. We’re a culture that’s boiled communications down to abbreviated exchanges via email and text and many times, we’re unaware of how we come across in writing. I’m just as guilty as the next person and it got me to thinking – can I use punctuation to change my life?

We read aloud in our heads. The top Really becomes a response to the third Really? while the second is something we let seep when someone pulls a jackwagon move in traffic. The fourth is an exclamation, reserved for the most frustrating and inconceivable of situations (perhaps one like this). But in print, without the proper punctuation, we could read them all the same.

So today, I want to take a trip through a few pieces of punctuation and share what they mean to me and maybe you’ll find something important for yourself in here as well. Writing is inherently selfish, so the least I can do for those of you who share your time with me is give you something you can take away and move forward with, right?

The Exclamation (!) Point

A phrase I use quite often in the company of friends is, “Now this time, with feeling!” It’s usually in response to a lackluster reaction to something on their part. But an exclamation point isn’t about anger – for me, it’s joy. Unbridled joy! I laugh, I giggle, I simply can’t contain myself. When I find my head so far up my ass that there’s no reason for my annual ladybits exam that year, an exclamation point can give me the endorphin rush I need. Yes becomes Yes! Okay becomes Okay! We were so conditioned in our schooling to perceive exclamation points as yelling or something else negative that it helps me to use them more often and in ways that are meaningful to me. They have the power to change your day, your attitude. They can get you off the sofa and back into life when shit rolls downhill. Grab some exclamation points and put them in the bag with your laptop today. Apply often and liberally (BUT IF I CATCH YOU TYPING IN ALL CAPS I’LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS.).

The Ellipsis (…)

From purely a technical standpoint, an ellipsis is three periods used in succession. Never four. Never five, for fuck sake. Three – just like Goldilocks and the three bears she performs a B&E on so she can nom their porridge. They’re the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, all lined-up so you can get a good look at ‘em. An ellipsis is the punctuation embodiment of possibility.

In writing, they’re used in indicate a pause, a breath – a signal of something to come. Use them like that in your life as well. When tempted to use an exclamation point for anger, insert an ellipsis. Breathe. See what comes out on the other side. Sure, sometimes you might still want to choke the living shit out of someone, but other times, you might begin to see things differently. My life needs more ellipses – moments where I stop and take a breath. Ellipses make the unmanageable manageable and put the requisite air back into your lungs so you can stop letting life wind you every time you see a flight of stairs. Three dots – who thought they could open doors? They can also close them as well, if that the right outcome. Embrace the possibility that comes with pause and put those three little dots to work for you.

The Question (?) Mark

I’ve saved the best for last because this curvaceous being has quite the set of balls on it (okay, maybe just one ball but it’s a hefty ball). We ask ourselves questions multiple times a day – but why do we ask?

Second Guessing: How many times have you second guessed yourself into oblivion – avoided taking any action at all because the question you posed was so paralyzing? Question marks don’t belong here. I’m pretty convinced that in these cases, we turn their volume up so loud to drown out the incessant whine of our gut (which is always in the background with the right answer and course we should follow). Guts are meant to be listened to and while the question mark of Second Guessing might be ripping out a wicked Jimi Hendrix riff, it’s not doing us any good. Grab these question marks and move them over into another category and let your gut do what it’s built to do.

Baiting: Yeah, you do it. I do it. We ask questions to get the answers we want from someone who matters to us. Wouldn’t it be better to stand confident in our own skin and give ourselves permission to feel the way we do? We’re human and will always need some sort of external validation throughout our years for some reason or another. But baiting with questions is passive aggressive and a sign that we’re too much of a pussy to go – you know, I look great. I feel great. I know I gained weight. Yeah, I should skip the dessert. I rocked that presentation. No doubt – I fucked it up. Own yourself, own your actions. Stop asking for permission to feel the way you feel with a misplaced question mark. Make them statements of fact because owning your shit is super sexy.

Learning: The most powerful of the question marks. We use them to inquire and explore. They prompt laughter when you listen to the answers or perhaps bring tears because you didn’t see the response coming and it moved your soul. When we ask questions withan open mind (instead of one that’s baiting or full of doubt), we have the chance to change our lives and the lives of others.

Sharing is the mark of a more emotionally evolved being – we crave the interaction and sense of reward that comes with being a better version of our former selves before we opened up. Asking questions gives us the chance to bring something into our lives we didn’t have but a moment ago and when asked, we have the chance to learn something about ourselves through our answers. They’re the universal punctuation mark signifying an open mind and for many, an open heart. And they’re also the Pandora’s Box of punctuation, as by answering one a myriad of others are prompted. I don’t think there’s any greater gift can we give ourselves than changing the way we see the question mark and opt to use it as a tool to bring us closer to the person we always hoped to be – for ourselves and those who matter to us most.

So how do you punctuate your life? I never thought I’d see punctuation as something that was a business tool, much less a life skill – but it’s one of the most useful I’ve ever had the good fortune of stumbling across. I owe a dinner with Emily Rapoport for this perspective that’s been germinating and am really looking forward to what lies ahead as I continue to figure out the punctuation that rules my world.

More excitement!

Infinite possibilities…

How can I do better in everything I choose to undertake?

It’s a pretty cool world in the life of a redhead this morning. And all because of punctuation.

Found by whom? Well, people who can spend money with you, silly.

Most of our clients haven’t worked with an SEO copywriter before, and this means we go through an education phase. Today, you get to see what that looks like! I know, you’re excited (pom poms for everyone). I hope you enjoy the tour and that you see what Redhead Writing thinks it takes to deliver a successful SEO copywriting project.

Step One: Gather Up Yo Schiz (translation: bring something to the table)

Wanting to “spruce-up” your website copy isn’t enough of a reason to talk to an SEO copywriter. Here are the things we need when you come to talk to us about your project:

Site Architecture: This is either a flow chart, spreadsheet or bulletpointed list showing the Parent Pages and Subpages in your website. You can also think of this as your navigation.

Why do SEO copywriters need this? Because we need to understand how many pages we’ll be writing copy for, which pages need to be optimized (as not all do) and…uh…because we can’t really wrap our heads around a project unless we see what it’s going to look like.

Keyword Research & Keyword Matrix: Oy vey and pass the Mylanta. No, this isn’t a movie starring Keanu Reeves and unless you’re an SEO specialist, this really isn’t something you want to jack with running and building yourself.

About Keyword Research: Quite simply, the results that you and I can get from Google’s Keyword Tool are okay. But what they don’t give you is a true picture of competition and popularity for each of the keywords you may consider targeting. A little green bar in the keyword tool shows Competition. Per Google, “The Competition column gives you a sense of how many advertisers are bidding for a particular keyword. This data can help you determine how competitive the ad placement is.” If you’re not going an Adwords campaign, I hope you see how useless that information is for web copy. Let a pro give you a report so you can make better decisions. And if you think it’s not worth the couple hundred bucks, see you on page 8 of the search results.

WTF is a Keyword Matrix? It’s a map of your site made with words. (Fancy!) I’ve included a sample below. These can only be created (wait for it) after you’ve done your keyword research!

Why do SEO copywriters need a keyword matrix? Because we need to know which words to target on each page we’re writing and how the pages of your website need to talk to one another (in words). An internal linking strategy is a factor in search engine rankings for your website, so when we write, good SEO copywriters include a solid internal linking strategy for their clients.

Step One Redux: You’ve come to the table with your site architecture, keyword research and keyword matrix. An SEO copywriter can now get a complete picture of your project. For clients who come to us with only a site architecture, Redhead Writing also provides keyword research and matrix-building services. We added this in June of last year as it was more common than not that clients didn’t have this essential piece of the SEO copywriting puzzle.

Step Two: Gettin’ All Up in Yo Bidness (translation: discovery session)

Any SEO copywriter worth their salt will hold a discovery call with a new client. This is your chance to find out if the SEO copywriter you have in your sights has any bloody idea what they’re talking about.

But let’s go back for a minute: it’s my steadfast opinion that if you’re bidding out an SEO copywriting project and the company in question hasn’t asked you for the things in step one, run screaming. I simply can’t fathom how they can produce effective copy without those three things. Redhead Writing will not take SEO copywriting projects without seeing the research a keyword matrix was built on unless it comes from one of our referring SEO firms. Why? Because we don’t write for giggles. We write to produce results for our clients.

What should you expect from a discovery call? This is your opportunity to tell your SEO copywriter about your business. Your clients. Your industry vernacular. The tone you want to convey throughout your website. We’re geeks of just the right sort that, when you find the good ones in our herd, we’ll make your site visitors fall in love and stay on the page, digging deeper into your website and driving them to the desired action.

What should you be able to give your SEO copywriter on this call? Well, here’s what we ask OUR clients: for each page of your website, what are the THREE most desirable actions you’d like a site visitor to take? Those can be things from calling you, filling out a form, downloading something, making a purchase decision or clicking through to another page. But if you don’t know what you want your site visitors to do when they land, an SEO copywriter isn’t going to be able to create copy to produce the desired results.

Step Two Redux: Your discovery call is your chance to have home court advantage. Download on your SEO copywriter everything they need to have a solid grasp on the look, feel and tone of your project and company. Understand where you want site visitors to go on your site…what you want them to do. Finally, ask about time to first draft and the revisions process, what’s included in the project fee, etc.

***

These are the two most important steps to your SEO copywriting project’s success. Do your home work and help your copywriter understand your company and we’ll take it from there! We find it simple to quote a per-page rate that includes one rough and two rounds of revisions, with a change fee if the keywords change or a page is requested to be modified with more than 30% new content. And please – if you have questions, ask away. We won’t do your project for free, but we’ll help you ask better questions that will make your project, website and company an even greater online success!

I had a whopping 650 square foot studio with a separate kitchen (SHUT the front door), and where I turned right to head down Vine towards the theatre, I used to stay straight and begin the hunt for a parking space outside my $800/month dwelling treasure. Funny how I’d forgotten that.

And so it came to pass that the bright lights of Hollywood brought me to writing this Generic Blog Post.

I wonder what else I’ve forgotten. What I’ve remembered in their places. And how blogging/writing gives me an outlet for meandering through my mind via words.

I think that we quite often feel that blogs have to be heavy-hitting. Primed for massive retweet and sharing action. Speak to everyone and be laden with so much universal appeal that we shit ourselves in the race to get them out and set them loose as fast as we can. Aside from the ensuing skid marks…why?

But we run away from the Generic Blog Post. Like this one.

Maybe what I have to say isn’t important…earth-shattering enough. Laden with enough f-bombs or rich with sassy metaphors. But it’s what’s running through my red head today on a day following the realization that…

man, have I forgotten a lot of things over the years.

We’re richer and more complex than our protective outer layer, the one we let people see each and every day. We exist beyond our here and now (though we apparently do our damnedest to forget that). We forget where we used to live and how we got there. Yet when we pull into the familiar, we’re lucky enough to be graced with memories.

A generic, ordinary, everyday life. It makes for Generic Blog Posts like this one.

I like it. Look for more of them.

Some days, and most as of late, thinking sucks.

Sport drinking still feels like shit. Consuming till you stop feeling only makes you feel all the wrong stuff more. Then you get to be pretty: a sobbing, hysterical, drunk ass mess with a stomach that can’t be fixed by puking and leaving you with only a day wasted. The shittier part is you get to spend that whole wasted day thinking. Kinda fucked up when you consider your goal was to not think in the first place. Biochemistry: 1 / Erika: 0.

When I’m not walking around with my head up my ass, however, there are some pretty incredible things. A voice on the phone you’re so happy to hear early in the morning. Surprise invitations for pancakes. Trips you never thought you’d take to say thank you to the ICU staff that did everything they could to save someone even they knew was special. The news that one of your best friends for over 20 years just had her first baby (and that her hubby’s already wrapped around his new daughter’s little finger). Dinner with a new friend where I learned about her and myself. A car ride home where Ingrid Michaelson crooned and I couldn’t tell that Zoe was singing along because their voices are both that rare stuff: pure, raw talent that makes you ready and willing to sit up a little taller while you smile inside.

I still hyperventilate…something I’ve never, ever done in my thirty-seven years until thirteen days ago. I still cry if a stiff breeze blows. But today, for all of my bullshit, was a good day. And while I don’t yet know the meaning of words like “okay” and “better,” I could see that today was good.

I can never sit down and write unless I must. Something has to be stuck and wanting out. I’ve got a lot of shit stuck right now and only bits and pieces are seeping through, but at least most days, I don’t feel like I’m going to implode. I get angry. My sense of humor goes into hibernation (and I reckon it’s in the Blanket Cave with my heart). But laughing…hugging…smiling. They all feel good and I know I haven’t forgotten how to do them. And since this world is one big asshole that decided to keep spinning round, I can choose to let it either throw me off like a haunted, whirling carousel at a cheap county fair or tell it thank you for giving me a reason to hold on and ask gravity to become my friend again.

There’s not a moment I don’t think about Jason. He helps me. He says hello. I see his smile and feel his hand in mine in my dreams. And while there’s a gaping hole in my heart left behind by what was ripped away, there are things and people that still remind me that I’m the luckiest…even on the days where the longest losing streak in Vegas can’t match my feelings that I’ll never win again.

I. Am. The luckiest. That’s the one feeling inside that’s not stuck.

The Redhead is NOT picking finalists.

You are.

Here’s how the voting works:

• ZOMG, ask your friends to vote for your submission by directing them to the post (and here’s a shortened link for your convenience: http://ht.ly/2reUK)
• If you have a blog, you might find it useful to make a blog post including the link, asking your readers to stop by and check out your story. Give them your user name and the contest rules. Reach out to your email subscribers!
• Your friends will need to leave a comment below your post with the reason they liked the story. Yes, I’m a BITCH. (Does a little dance…shakes pompoms)
• The entry with the most legitimate comments WINS. What’s a legitimate comment?
  • Ones that are sent from DIFFERENT IP ADDRESSES (remember, game the system and God kills a puppy)
  • And actually state with some semblance of having opposable thumbs WHY they like the story.
• Voting closes at 11PM on Wednesday, August 25, 2010.

Why the comments as the voting mechanism instead of my previous poll-style voting?

It’s simple. If you’re looking to be a writer, people actually need to like the shit you write instead of vote for it blindly. There are some pretty intriguing stories in the contest, and I encourage you to take 10 minutes out of your day for a fiction treat. Wouldn’t you rather people share with you why they felt something worked instead of, “Yeah – hope you win! You owe me a lunch for the 30 votes I gamed for you at the office.”

And I promised you my story. So here it is.

And so it turns out that he was wrong. And not just a little wrong, but the kind of wrong that brings about swearing. And not your run-of-the-mill swearing. The kind of swearing that gets you glares from mothers with young children.

Upon this realization of his wrongness, he could feel an imaginary bevy of breeders launch their piercing stare, hands flailing to hermetically seal tiny ears. Ears that would undoubtedly cause little lips to repeat what they had just heard at the most inopportune of times. And then they would know what the glares feel like.

But it didn’t matter. The mothers, ears, lips and glares – all imaginary. Just one of his brain’s machinations enacted to distract him from the reality that he was dead fucking wrong this whole time.

He stood motionless underneath the bus stop shelter, the two-dimensional eyes of some shithead dink realtor staring at the back of his head. If he felt it would do any good, he’d have no qualms about telling

Mark Miller, Realtor

Your home sold in 30 DAYS OR LESS – GUARANTEED!

to fuck straight off.

The bus was late, and this annoyed him even more. He was actually looking forward to his thoughts being drowned-out by the diesel engine’s drone. Every second the bus was late was another he was forced to fester in his putrid reality. His thoughts filled with the pervasive stench of rancid ideas and notions, all of which he’d found entertaining in their previous incarnations.

There was nowhere to dump them right now. Not until the bus came and he could feed his thoughts to the bus’ guttural hum.

After jamming out a little flash fiction last night, I’m sitting here on the verge of my weekend with jack. Jack didn’t even have the decency to cook me breakfast or slip me a diddle. Jack’s a bit of a prick.

So I guess it’s Fiction Friday. There’s something I’ve been working on since last fall and since my editor just slashed it all to hell, it’s wearing a brand new suit. Maybe you’ll dig it. I don’t share fiction very often (ummm…never?). So, since I’m about to kick Jack to the curb without cab fare, you can go enjoy First and Blend.

PS: RedheadWriting reader Ryan won a $150 VISA gift card in my last story contest. I’m thinking you might see another one next week. Ponder that while I go make coffee.

Ryan, here’s whatcha win: $150 smackers. You can get that in a VISA gift card, an Amazon.com e-certificate or pesos (dude, please don’t pick pesos). I was toiling with an Apple gift card and then realized some people hate Apple or (like me) have all the Apple product they need. And some people never use Amazon.com. But EVERYONE uses CASH! Fuckin’ A.

So yeah – The Redhead thanks you for your story and all who shared their stories in my latest mystery contest. Ryan – drop me a line on my contact form and you can tell me how you wish to be rewarded.

[puts hands in the air in a "raise the roof" fashion] Can I get a whoop whoop? I’m off to live my passion!

Now, go practice living out loud…

I am three hours from out the door to Ouray, Colorado for my annual girl’s trip to the Betty Ice Ball and I haven’t packed. There is the remnant of a zit the size of the Dominican Republic on my right cheek and I’m still sitting in my workout clothes, mildly soggy with sweat (ew). I horked a bowl of hot cereal, cleaned-up Small Dog’s pee present, took out the trash and recycling and am currently washing the dog beds because they smell like 6 shades of canine ass.

But my Bitch Slap this week? It’s a thank you.

I’m a paid columnist for ToyWithMe and put out a column each Thursday called Dear Redhead. Paul and Sandy are incredible to have as clients and they’ve always let me feel my way and talk about what I want. For the past two weeks, though, we’ve tried something different: letting me rant. It’s a talent (my mother will substantiate), but I had to figure out HOW to rant for their readership…and mine.

When people hire you to write an online column, they’re bringing you on board for your voice, style and existing audience. My @RedheadWriting audience is a delightful mixture of local Denver flavor, snark and professional insights. My @DearRedhead following developed into a sex kitten with NSFW content. Fuck – how did I bring the two worlds together?

We chatted, we strategized. We needed to change the format, but—to what? I went to the mat and said: let me try something. Please. And they did. The tactic? My brand of purpose-driven snark coupled with current events – shit that incensed, inspired and or/infuriated me. I sat down and…I wrote.

And I got a Bitch Slap: be who you are and do what it is you do best.

Traffic on my Dear Redhead column exploded, my followers exploded on both Twitter accounts, Facebook Fans of Redhead Writing upped almost 100 in a week (and still rolling) and…I’m happy. And ToyWithMe.com is happy. And my readers – well, they’re happy. The first column on Proposition 8 was picked-up by multiple blogs across the web and this week’s on the Superbowl/Tim Tebow/Anti-Abortion snafu is rolling in comments and hella Retweet action even a day later. Shelly Kramer even gave me a shout out in her piece today on the Superbowl advertising issue.

I went back to what it is that I do best and got a little smackdown that reminded me why I ever did it in the first place.

Who you are is precious, whether you’re a fucking idiot or a flaming queen…staunch conservative or blazing liberal…helicopter pilot or train conductor. Embrace YOU and stop leaving YOU behind. If people want to be in your life, hire you…stand next to your fire…bring them into your realm on YOUR terms. And listen to the people in your life who are telling you that perhaps you’re straying from YOU. Take a moment, reel it in and get back to the basics. It all begins with you.

I write for a living, yet it still never ceases to astonish me that people read what I write. People I’ve never MET read what I write. It’s like – OMG….SERIOUSLY? Tell someone that you appreciate what they do today…appreciate who they are and what they bring to the table. We need those people – and they need us. Symbiosis…ah. The most delicious sting of a Bitch Slap.

Seriously. Thank you.

Suffocated. I’m sitting in a bookstore and I’m suffocated. The high ceilings and plush chair offer no solace as I sit here and think:

Every one of these books represents someone who could write.

Or just fucking lucky to find a publisher.

The words, the books are towering over me and piling on top of me and I can’t breathe, but somehow I can type and I know this is going to end up on my blog.

It’s a rough place to be as a writer when you have ideas piled-up on the shelf, yet not one begs to be taken down and dusted off. Used. In a filthy, self-satisfying way that only writers enjoy. We grope them, our ideas. They are highly malleable and when primed, plead with us to mold and caress them into something … finished.

I overuse ellipses, placing them where my brain stalls. My fingers rarely stop when I sit down to write and those three little dots are visual expressions of my brain’s stutters. Welcome to my brain and all that is (as I recently described) the mental equivalent of Speedy Gonzales on meth. I find it staggering that I can drone on about not being able to write. Sickly ironic. I also despise it when people misuse the word “irony.” Here’s a link for you to use the next time you want to describe something as ironic.

Circling at 24,000 feet is where this writer’s life is at as of late. If I were a jetliner, I’d have long since run out of fuel and crashed into mid-American suburbia (or perhaps mid-Italian…I’ve always wanted to see Italy). As a human, however, the power of the mind to stall indefinitely is inconceivable. I still can’t type or say that word without a Princess Bride-ish lisp.

Conversations, they come. We dance with our words and stir our coffee, creating our own little escapes each time we clasp our mugs or take a sip. Those are our ways of saying I’m done talking … Your turn … I really want to leave … This guy is an asshole and I can’t say anything because I have a full cup of coffee. Why is it I can crack corn with whomever throws verbal discourse in my direction yet I can’t get a single festering idea to ooze onto my page? I have left the house, I have no distractions. None except the woman who just came and moved the faded burgundy Victorian-style armchair clear across the bookstore and the Weeble-ish man wobbling around the Science Fiction section directly across from me sporting a … Members Only jacket. Good Christ.

I could take Weeble Man and hypothesize that his name is Rick. His last name is likely overly generic like his beige jacket, beige plaid shirt and beige pants. (Yes, they’re beige) I also adore parenthetical notations. I use them as my own rendition of Shakespearean asides, though Will’s got a much larger subscriber to his RSS feed.

Rick is a tech guy and manages IT for a mid-sized corporation. He works from 9 to 6 and takes an hour for lunch. He likes Chipotle and always eats the entire burrito, evidenced by the heft that overlaps the front of his overburdened waistband. On the first and fifteenth of each month, Rick logs into his Wamu (becoming Chase) account and verified that his direct deposit has, indeed, appeared. Unmarried and uninterested in women, he would rather dream of imaginary robot princesses who come to discover they have feelings and fall desperately in love with their human creator. Books pile Rick’s bedside table and empty Mountain Dew cans line the top of the desk at his home office. He does not have a phone line and uses VOIP and has a nine-year-old cat named Ford. Not after the automaker, mind you, but Lita. The highlight of Rick’s day is viewing new videos on CollegeHumor.com and he prefers the ones with scantily-clad coeds. Subject matter? Unimportant. Dressed is better than undressed but he likes them when they’re in cotton underthings most of all. He eats three Luna Bars a day, but secretly. People think they’re for chicks but he really likes the Lemon Zest flavor. They go well with Mountain Dew, accounting for the pile of wrappers that form a foil moat in front of his desk’s soda can fortress.

But Rick does me no good. He doesn’t serve anything I’m working on or have in my cache. I could build Rick out six ways till Sunday and have him in a quandary over his love for Ford and his pent-up need to torture stray cats in the alleyway behind his house with the light saber replica he bought at the Star Trek convention (yeah, it’s Star Wars but have you seen the shit people buy at Star Trek conventions?), but it would do fuckall for my attempts to put together this book idea that’s bitch slapping my ego at present.

If writing were easy, more people would be good at it. Face it: many people do it and most suck. You might think I suck. Fine. I suck, point conceded. Now fuck off. For those of you who stay, congrats on making it this far reading my musings on why I cannot write. Another damn ironic moment. But back to “easy.” It’s not easy. Writing is more than words on a page and anyone who thinks otherwise is probably a shitty writer. I’ve got a lot left to learn but that, I know. The goal is always to tap. Tap into your reader’s mind and life and either peacefully coexist with what they love and revere or shake them so goddamn hard that they’re left reeling. Anything in between is unadulterated failure.

Afraid to fail yet more afraid to begin, I think. It’s easier to ponder why I cannot (will not?) give myself a good, hard what the fuck? than it is to jump. Upside? I’ve got a blog for Friday. Downside? I can’t get Rick and his beigeness out of my head.

Like this shit? Subscribe to my RSS feed. Publishers like to see that people already dig your shit because they’re inherently lazy and have no idea how to market flake food to fish. They just want to know who’s really gonna buy your book if they go out on a limb and print it after flipping you a $2500 advance that barely covers a writer’s rent for two months. But I digress… << ellipsis