*** Small print disclaimer – this is my journey and perhaps a similar journey shared by other iPhone 3G owners. If you’re in 3GS land, you’re a happier camper. If you’re a 4G owner already, you’re Apple’s golden child and you’re the one sucking THEIR apple.

I became an Apple user long before technology made it possible for me to email, Tweet and Facebook with the touch of a button. I had the iPod Mini (which wasn’t so “mini”) and then finally broke down and bought a Nano. It is lime green, shiny, and I love it so.

Then came the iPhone. Which was an unreliable piece of sometimes-functioning technology that had no right to have “phone” anywhere in the name. Alternate names I’ve considered (if I worked for Apple’s branding department): the iSuck, the iCan’tMakeACall, iCanPlayMusic and the iCanDropCalls.

I’ve gone through all of the software upgrades, each of which have had their own associated version of hell. I even had a 4G reserved on launch day, yet opted for some of the buzz to dispel before I jumped into another bite of Apple. So in mid-June, I plugged my little iPhone 3G in its Peter Frank monkay case into iTunes to sync and saw that OS4 was available.

Well, fuck YES! I clicked that shit like I was playing a game of banner ad Punch the Monkey.

And that’s the day where I began to live Armageddon.

My phone would lock up, the maps would freeze, I had to reboot 3 times to place a call. Apps would shut down at the drop of a hat, my battery life lasted a half day at best and I found myself scheduling meetings based on the availability of an electrical outlet. The new OS sucked, and I’m not the only one who feels so. But hey – when I plugged into iTunes, I acted like a good little iPhone owner and said YES! I’ll do the upgrade!

So, after living in OS4 hell for a week, I decided to downgrade the software. I used this article from Lifehacker, which worked BEAUTIFULLY.

Except that all of my contacts were gone. POOF! Gone. Here’s where the fun begins. iTunes told me it couldn’t restore from backup as the save was in a higher version of software. Here’s is also where The Redhead starts to explode. I’ll finish this story in steps so it’s easy to follow along:

• Called Apple. Rep informs me I’m out of warranty and a help call is usually $29.99, but she’ll help me this once.
• Rep proceeds to tell me that the OS4 is not designed to run on anything lower than the 3GS iPhones, and there are really only 3 functions on the 3G that will work: home page, phone and contacts. Everything else will be problematic.
• Rep says that since I’ve downgraded to 3.1.3 using “jailbroken” information and that Apple does not support any software DOWNGRADES, there’s not much she can do for me.
• I ask: So, Apple told me to upgrade in iTunes. I did that. It borked my phone. What am I supposed to do if I can’t downgrade and you “don’t support” downgrades?
• She then informs me that once OS4 is on your phone, it’s like genital herpes (my words, not hers). It’s there for life.
• I said that’s unacceptable that I have a $200 device for which I pay $150/month to use and Apple can’t help me get my OS back to one that actually WORKS on my phone.
• Apparently, my logic is staggering at this point and she flips me to a Senior Support Specialist.
• Senior Support Specialist reiterates that Apple can offer me no help, even though it’s their software that borked THEIR product.
• I ask: so what the fuck am I supposed to do with a $200 phone that won’t make calls and crashes the apps?
• I was advised that there are “workarounds” that I could find on the web, but Apple couldn’t point me to them specifically (but if I used Google, I could probably find them).
• Really, I’m on the phone with Apple, who knows the answer but can’t tell me and can’t tell me where I can get help?

Apple, you’re getting bitch slapped and can suck my left apple. I own an iPod, a MacBook, an iPhone 3G and an iPad is arriving on my doorstep TODAY or TOMORROW. I’m an advocate for your brand, your OS and a convert after having been raised a PC owner by a mom who’s a senior programmer/analyst and who built every computer I’d ever owned until I (gasp) bought a laptop in 2006.

Your service and attitude is unacceptable.

• You need to have a BIG ASS WARNING in iTunes for 3G users. I mean, HUGE. One that reads, “WHOA! Looks like you’re a 3G owner! By installing this update, you acknowledge that you’re performance speed, contacts, app performance and life in general are about to become straight fucked. Do you wish to proceed?”
• Why are you even allowing the OS upgrade to be available for 3G users? While some people are fortunate to go through without incident, I’m thinking this is a known issue. Especially when your “Genius” on the other end of my phone line says, “Yes, I get calls like this all day long. It’s a known issue with the 3G.”
• How arrogant is it to tell me that, while my phone isn’t even 1 year old (you did a warranty replacement for me, assholes, because my first phone was more jacked than concept of Sarah Palin in a Las Vegas show), “You’re out of warranty” and you technically can’t help me,
• The arrogance involved in your responses to me on the phone yesterday was staggering. Here’s what you told me:
  • You’re out of warranty (lie), but we’ll make an exception.
  • You were more concerned about the spelling of my name than my technical issue. And yes for fuck sake, it’s with a “K.”
  • You told me, verbatim, that once OS4 is installed on your phone, it’s always there and you cannot revert – even if you do a downgrade using “jailbroken” information.
  • You also told me that OS4 is not meant to run on the 3G models, save THREE FUNCTIONS.
  • That even though the OS4 isn’t meant to run on 3Gs, your software (iTunes) will happily install it.
  • Once it’s happily installed, you’ll offer no support to those experiencing issues.
  • However, I could “Google” my problems and there is “a lot of information out there.”

I’m going to be in your Cherry Creek store this week and all I’m saying is that you can either MAKE or BREAK my Apple patronage experience. I am *in* warranty, my phone is functional, and there had better be a fix administered AT the store for this shit to get right and get right quick. You’re Geniuses, after all. A Genius would understand that a legion of 3G owners being pissed off about their products dues to software you provided and prompted to install is NOT good for business.

It’s like Honda saying,”Mmmmm – yeah. When you brought your car in for service last time, we upgraded the software in your engine computer. Yeah, it’s got a lot of bugs. I know it leaves you stalled at the side of the road lots, but it’s a known issue. You could Google a workaround and see if that helps but we can’t help you.”

Service is more important than product and in this case, the customer IS right and IS in control. We’re going to chat this week, Apple. And I beg you to end the arrogance and find solutions for me – the owner of FIVE of your products.