The Bitch Slap: Ladies, Really?

I couldn't find a picture of a girl with piss-poor aim

This past weekend, I went to a movie theatre in Santa Monica to take in a viewing of True Grit with my friend Tim. Upon arrival, I had to hit the ladies’ room. I walked in and began the

push door open

glance

WTF – next stall

routine until I found one fit to use.

Ladies – you’re getting bitch slapped.

Do you live in squalor in your own home? I find it hard to believe that any of you walk into your own bathrooms, pop a squat, piss all over the seat and then walk out without flushing. So since you don’t do this at home, why the FUCK do you think it’s acceptable to do it in public? I really think there should be a mandatory piss test when you go to get your drivers license.

It’s disgusting. Women’s restrooms worldwide look like bombed-out underground shelters and those of us who had a little too much green tea at sushi end up walking through them like we’re navigating a minefield. And then there’s the domino effect:

You’re a pee slob
You render the stall unusable
A bathroom with 8 stalls goes down to 6 on account of you and your cohorts

The line gets longer and I begin to feel that no matter where I am, I’m the oldest chick at a New Kids on the Block concert who’s been sipping too much Diet Pepsi.

I didn’t come over to your house and take a crap on your welcome mat, so quit using the world as your bathroom. And don’t give me the argument about all of the germs lingering in public restrooms. Curious about what you can really catch from a stop, drop, pee and roll in public? Check out this article from WebMD. We wander through life thinking that germs will kill us and run screaming from them at every opportunity, but in the meantime, your filthy bathroom behaviors make all of us want to puke.

Worried about what you’ll catch? Get a pee funnel. Get some hand sanitizer. Wash your fucking hands. But quit leaving the public restrooms of the world an ungodly mess for those of us who know that toilet seats are made for sitting on, no pissing on. And if you experience a moment of poor aim while you bust a hover move:

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!

You’ve been slapped. (Do guys deal with poor piss etiquette?)

http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

UGH. What she said! ^^^
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

I lived in Japan. The squatters are the best. Always clean. WIN.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

I have nothing to add, Alysson.
Ellen

AMEN!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

And pass the hand sanitizer!
Crolling66

I have to take my daughters (shes 5) word for it but she will not go in a womens restroom because they are usually “disgustingly gross”. She will march in a mens room and find a stall and usually comment about how much cleaner they are then the girls. what they hell do these women/girls do in there????
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Your daughter does not lie.
MicahDL

I fucking hate when this happens. And why does it seem to happen primarily in movie theatre bathrooms? Seriously. I want to punch these women in the clam.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

And three point for RAGE in the comments section of today’s column!
http://www.seoaly.com Alysson

That reminds me of an episode of “Seinfeld” when Jerry tossed out a shoelace stating, “It’s touched the bathroom floor, so that’s that…” or something akin to that. And I agree wholeheartedly with Jerry’s position. ICK, ICK, ICK!
Anonymous

In mens room you will see bad aim but since you don’t sit its not so bad. Still gross though. What you do see is dudes taking these gorilla shits and not flushing properly. That really peeves me.
Amanda Morris Johnson

My first job ever was cleaning restaurant bathrooms at a pizzeria in Cherry Creek. Ewe, ick. The women’s bathroom is by far worse. What are they trying to flush for God’s sake? I got used to simply pouring bleach all over everything before even starting. I can’t smell anything. Do you think that could be the reason?
http://www.seoaly.com Alysson

Never gonna happen. You can’t introduce anything into this country that came from another country or culture anymore. Those who supported the squatters would immediately be labeled a socialist/communist/fascist and the whole thing would be spun as a conspiracy by the government – the latest, greatest threat to our freedom…to sit while relieving ourselves.
http://www.editormichael.com MichaelEdits.com

Any veteran of the restaurant business can tell you that the ladies’ rest rooms are always worse. I first became a toilet cleaner in 1979, for $2.65 an hour, and the ladies liked to wet wadded toilet paper and fling it at the ceiling. I choose not to think about what they were wetting it with. Maybe that’s how the ladies cope with being so much more civilized than guys the rest of the time.
http://twitter.com/KristelMesh Kristel Hayes

Thank you…seriously…thank you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ranted about this, and to the face of friends who are actually GUILTY as charged. I think your rant is probably much more eloquent than mine, so I’ve made it a point to share.
http://www.facebook.com/chris.gregoire79 Chris Gregoire

You know what cracks me up the most? You “Hover people” that get it on the floor. Your shoes are more covered in piss because of it. If people sat down, more would end up in the bowl, and then you wouldn’t track through it, and carry those germs home with you. Your hovering spreads more germs to your home. Which makes a little part of me smile inside.
http://ariherzog.com Ari Herzog

Part of the problem is the societal term of bathroom.

There’s no bath in the room.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

*high five*
http://dannybrown.me Danny Brown

It’s actually a ploy by us guys to make you ladies look bad. We have a team of secret Piss Ninjas that make our way into ladies toilets, whazz our wizz all over the place, then leave.

Seems to be working.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Piss Ninjas? OMFG. Secrets of the Universe revealed! Sonofa…
Lesley

THANK YOU! I freaking HATE it when see pee on the seat, let alone when my mind is somewhere else and I accidentally SIT in it. That is gross beyond GROSS. A few weeks ago I walked into the restroom at my office and Every Single Toilet had pee all over the seat.

Seriously, if you’re s squatter, go ahead and use one of the toilets that already has pee all over it. Don’t go to a clean one and ruin it, too.
Anonymous

I’m with you! I wipe down every seat before and after because my momma didn’t raise no pee slob. Boggles the mind. And every time I hear someone leave the restroom w/o hearing any water run, I want to hurl. Especially when I know what they did in the stall just seconds before. (What’s more disgusting, no hand washing after #2 or changing a tampon? I mean WTF?)

My husband’s just as bad as I am, believe it or not. He always comes out of the men’s room with the paper towel he dried his hands with still crumpled in his hand because he uses it to open the door on the way out. People are disgusting pigs.
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Anonymous

OMG!!! THANK YOU! Yes! I hate this. Why can’t women pee correctly?? We bitch about men and their pee-ing habits when we’re worse. At least they have a pee-ing apparatus that can aim. We? We have to make do with shower heads!

Wipe and flush ladiess!!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

I was talking about pee funnels the other day, but most women can’t pee normally, judging by the state of public restrooms, so why give them apparatus?
http://twitter.com/Ihadtotryit Liz Jaeger

Kelly…ahem…broke the seal when mentioning the wrapping of the tampons but I must not close this post without bringing up the evidence left on the rim from when you removed said tampon…. Or even better, those who do all of the business, drop it on the top of the trash can, and leave it ALL over the commode, seat and not flush. Seriously, how disgusting of a human being are you that you know you’ve done that and you simply walk away??!!

This happens at my workplace ladies’ room all of the time. It turns my stomach and, when I bring it up to the few women in my company, they all agree that it’s gross, but none of us knows who it is…how is THAT possible??

And my other rant was the time I went into the ladies room at my job (this is an executive office building in NYC, not Starbucks or a restroom shared with the whole building. A restroom that was shared by 3 companies with an approximate total of 20 women) and someone had dumped an entire can of soda across the counter where all of the sinks are! It isn’t like this person didn’t have any access to water and paper towels….I was appalled.

Thank you for creating the post I’ve always wanted to write. I’ve said it before, your writing is awesome.

The Bitch Slap: Ladies, Really?

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