The Bitch Slap: Self-Deprecation is Crap

Learn. To Take. A Fucking. Compliment.

There’s where we’ll begin this Monday morning.

We’re raised to be polite, to compliment people and offer congratulations on a job well-done. We’re told to say please and thank you, respect our elders and never look a gift horse in the mouth.

When are we taught to be insulting towards people being kind to us?

I’m completely exhausted with people who, when offered congratulations, offer a quick thanks and then proceed to pick themselves apart with self-deprecating remarks. Here’s the rub: it’s insulting. It’s insulting to me and everyone else who takes the time out of their day to offer you recognition for your achievements.

A quick conversation on Twitter yesterday brought me someone who was raised to equate accepting a compliment as arrogant.

Accepting a compliment isn’t arrogant. To believe you don’t deserve one IS. You’re not above thanks or the ability to bask in a moment earned. You’re not above respecting the person standing in front of you, at the other end of an email or writing a blog comment. It takes only a moment to say thank you.

There doesn’t have to be a qualifier following. It goes like this:

Person A: “Hey! That rocked – congrats!”

Person B: “Thank so much. I appreciate it.”

So this Monday, enough with the self-deprecating bullshit, OK? If someone tells you congratulations, smile. Accept it. Say thank you. Respect the person who’s taken their time to help you celebrate a victory no matter how big or small that victory might seem to you. When you have a victory, remind yourself that there are thousands of people out in the world who would kill for a single triumph.

So embrace your triumph. And maybe your triumph is learning how to accept a compliment. It’s taken me years, but each day, I get better. My next goal is to get better at sharing my triumphs and helping others have more. Self-deprecation is insulting – to you, to those who care about you and even those who don’t know you from Adam or Eve but take the time to recognize what you’ve accomplished.

Quit being a dick. Leave self-deprecation to the stand-up comedians. You’ve been slapped.

Ddosher

It is not easy for me. I guess I just never believe that the compliment is sincere. How could it be if they are giving it to me?? I agree with what you say, but moving forward to get to a more positive place (which I am working on) is a process. My belief system is steeped in negativity and those messages are not re-programmed over night. I am a giver…not a taker. I’m working on more of a balance.
Roger Shepard

Amen sister!!! Just forwarded this to a few friends that were doing this very thing last week and I called them out on it. “To believe you don't deserve one IS” Best line! I love your work
Roger
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Thanks, Roger
(see how simple that^^^^is?)
http://twitter.com/Kinanda Mary Alice Gilbert

Ahh, that felt good. Thanks for the simple, effective reminder that receiving is an art, a gift, and an obligation. And, as you point out, f'ing easy if you just do it!
Angela

I'm admittedly SO guilty of this – why do we feel we're being self-indulgent or conceited by accepting a compliment? While I recognize that old habits die hard, clearly I need to work a little harder at breaking the habit!!
lipdesign

“Accepting a compliment isn’t arrogant. To believe you don’t deserve one IS.” #greatquote

This rocks. Lesson learned. Thank you, Erika.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Mah pleasure, lady!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Honey – it's taken me years. Old habits really DO die hard.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

YES! It's effing EASY! Couldn't have said it better myself
http://blog.jeffharbert.com/ Jeff Harbert

I admit, I do the self-deprecating thing occasionally. It depends on who's paying me the compliment, and for what. Sometimes people gush when I've done the equivalent of adding sugar to coffee. That's when I bring out the, “It was nothing. REALLY.”

On the other hand, if I'm paid what I feel is a well-deserved compliment for doing something really cool by someone who actually understands what I did, self-deprecation can bite me.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Agreed. But then again, some people aren't as good as putting sugar in coffee as you are
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

It's understandable – but taking the steps to believe that you DESERVE compliments…that's huge And no, reprogramming doesn't happen overnight. I'm in the middle of 37 years of work. That's about to turn into 38 here quite soon. Enjoy the journey.
http://www.shaunastacy.com/ Shauna Stacy

What a great point… I never thought about self-deprecation as arrogance but it totally is! By dismissing a compliment, you're dismissing the compliment giver as if his or her opinion or observation does not count.

Solid stuff! I'm officially addicted to your posts
http://twitter.com/canoelover canoelover

I call it self-defecation. Saying “thank you” and meaning it is a lost art. Sorta like “I'm sorry” or “I made a mistake.” Instead it's “Mistakes were made.” Rumsfeldian horseshit.
John Morlan

This is something I've noticed too. I love to give compliments and a few pleases and thankyous as well. Never thought about the arrogant point but it's true. Thanks for your much-needed slap to those arrogant s.o.b.'s
Another pet peeve of mine is when holding a door for someone and they walk by without saying thank you – geez, what's that all about?
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Well, rockin' and welcome, Shauna!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Great point. Let's take it off autopilot and put it back on the right wavelength
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Just let the door go when they're right in the middle of it. That'll learn 'em
http://www.flashfree.wordpress.com Liz S

Embrace is a four letter word sometimes. Slap is too!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Lots of four-letter words. Like poop, teas, hats, cats, dogs, crud, shiv and plus. For example
http://twitter.com/biffster Michael Fierro

Can you give an example of being self-deprecating?
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Sure:

Person A: “Hey Erika – kickass job on making Social Mouth's *Seven Examples of Kickass Personal Branding* list. That's awesome.”

Erika: “Thanks. But there are so many other people who should be on that list. I'm really nobody.”

My words SHOULD be: “Hey! Thanks so much. It's a real honor and I'm in such great company on that list! I'm flattered.”

or

“Thank you.”

Does that help?
http://www.tonyteegarden.com Tony Teegarden

Awesome point.

It's clear to me when someone can't take a compliment or tend to tell you, “Oh it was nothing really,” it's a form of self resistance or low self esteem. They think minimally of themselves. Sure it's rude, sure it's selfish and sure it's up to us to make them aware of it.

Game on.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Game, set, match, BITCHES! Bring it, Tony WOOOO! (sorry – I get excited sometimes)
http://twitter.com/biffster Michael Fierro

Yeah, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I am very guilty of doing that. Actually, I don't think I've ever taken a straight compliment. Except for maybe at work, from someone much higher up the org chart than me.

I don't wanna quote sappy Chicago lyrics, but that is a hard habit to break.
http://www.tonyteegarden.com Tony Teegarden

Don't you apologize at all. The world needs more excited people
http://www.pintucked.com/ Amy

Why is believing you don't deserve a compliment arrogant? When I don't believe I deserve a compliment it isn't because I think I'm above it. It's because I truly don't think whatever it is is good enough. I remember once I had a classmate who told me she would trade my hair for hers and my reaction was shock and confusion. I had plain, straight, black hair. She had a pretty blonde bob! WTF?
http://twitter.com/Megs_thoughts Megan Carpenter

You always seem to hit right on what I need at the moment. I'm horrible about taking compliments, and actually had a friend call me out on it a while back. I've gotten a little better about it, but hearing your point, “You’re not above thanks or the ability to bask in a moment earned.” puts it in a different light. I had never thought of it as seeing myself being better than everyone else. Thanks for the wake-up slap lady!!!
Carole

Great post! I've always thought that people who had to dig their way out of a compliment were weenies, but it hadn't occurred to me that it's an insult to the giver. Maybe next time it happens, I'll just give 'em your article! Your explanation is so much more “colorful” than anything I could ever say!
http://www.estudioray.com Joe

Good commentary! If you're not going to accept a compliment, you feel like you're not worthy. If you feel like you're not worthy, you may as well follow up the self d-depreciating comment with “that's cause my name's Kevin and I have no balls.”
http://twitter.com/gpersonae Susan Silver

Thanks, this is a good reminder to treasure the compliments I get.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

I'm glad I provided a GOOD reminder. See? Not all bitch slappin' is bad
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Ummm…yes – what YOU said. (who's Kevin?) O.o
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

I really should get some pamphlets printed-up.
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Megan, you're always welcome. Always great to see you stop by
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Well, perhaps she wasn't complimenting you. She was envious. We always tend to be attracted to things different than what we know. I'm very glad she didn't ultimately scalp you in the schoolyard.

Maybe the confusion between a compliment and a comment made out of envy is why you didn't feel like it was genuine. Now, if she'd simply said, “You have beautiful hair, Amy” I think a thank you would suffice.

If she said, “I'd do anything for your hair,” that's not really a compliment. Depending on mental stability issues, it's potentially a threat
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

C'mon, Michael…grow a pair of “thank you” balls
http://twitter.com/Megs_thoughts Megan Carpenter

Thank you! Always nice to be here, even if I don't always say anything.
http://www.estudioray.com Joe

Kevin is a former client who demonstrated his insecurities by yelling at women in his department, the fact that he was surrounded by mostly women (very sexist guy) who were much smarter than him really pissed him off. I would witness him being verbally degrading to them and when he did compliment them he did it in a back handed manner.

I also observed that he didn't know how to take a compliment- classic example of what you mentioned here. He was a nervous wreck, buckled in discussions with others who were not under him (men and women).

I saw Kevin at a Christmas party 2 years ago and complimented him on his tie, I was amazed at how self depreciating he was over the compliment…it was a fucking tie! Not his masterpiece or solution to cure cancer, just the damn tie he was wearing.

That reaffirmed my conclusions that Kevin had no balls. A devil wannabe with no balls. Sounds like a great animated short story!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

You've inspired a post: “It's a FUCKING TIE!” Love it, Joe – thanks for the Kevin story!
http://www.estudioray.com Joe

YES! Glad to be of service!
mephistoME

So, we sometimes don't even realize we do this. A friend, female, said to me recently “Man you're getting some guns, can tell you've been working out.” My immediate reaction? “Now if I can get some abs.”
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Take your purchases from the Gun Show home and smile
http://www.happilyme.com Me

Ooo, Baby! I like being slapped!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

Oh, I've got the slappin's fer ya!
Pingback: Two Shifts in Perspectives | Bluebird Rising
Pingback: Two Kinds of People | Erika Napoletano is Redhead Writing
http://twitter.com/afacebookstory Elizabeth Barrett

Love a girl – sorry, bitch – who speaks the truth. Well written!
http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

*that's me* Thanks for stopping by!

The Bitch Slap: Self-Deprecation is Crap

Search for Schiz by Category

Recent Redhead Goodness